


I lie next to you

by Anonymous



Category: Naruto
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:20:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27442564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Comfort (n): a feeling of relief or encouragement; assistance, support
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Kagami
Comments: 96
Kudos: 109
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Kagami, T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is marked as explicit because it will be in some chapters, but that won't be true for all of them. Each chapter title will have the name of the POV character and the rating; if there are any content warnings, I'll list them in the beginning notes
> 
> The title is from "Sleep Baby Sleep" by Broods, which I listened to while writing a lot of Chapter 1

“He was trying to find a way to incorporate a Yamanaka mind possession technique into a Yūhi’s genjutsu,” Hashirama explains as he walks with Kagami through Tobirama’s home. “He was the one they were testing on, of course.”

It's odd to be spoken to like this by the most powerful in the world. Hashirama is more open than Tobirama, but there are things he keeps to himself. One of them is his relationship with Tobirama. Even Madara doesn't seem to be invited into those thoughts.

Perhaps Hashirama is saving Madara from the discomfort of sympathizing with the man who maimed his brother, but Kagami suspects it's less charitable than that.

Expression pinched, Hashirama continues, “I patched him up physically, but falling over and cracking his skull open wasn't the problem. If it were, he wouldn't be hiding.”

“He hasn't said anything?” Kagami asks. Tobirama can be tight-lipped, but he's a good scientist. 

“Not to me. His team has an idea, but he made it very clear that I’m not allowed to ask them about it. Whatever happened, he won't tell me on his own.”

Kagami catches the unspoken order and nods. “I'll do my best, Hokage-sama.”

Hashirama gives him a crooked smile. “I know you will. He’s never trusted anyone like he trusts you.”

His voice is bitter, and Kagami fights the urge to duck his head.

There isn't a more strained relationship in Konoha than the one between Hashirama and Tobirama. They're stubborn in opposite directions; Hashirama tries to bring the world close and Tobirama tries to keep the world at a distance.

Hashirama sees every boundary Tobirama sets as a rejection, and Tobirama sees every attempt Hashirama makes at being allowed in as disrespect.

Their arguments can be felt- and heard- well beyond the village gate.

“He was meditating when I left,” Hashirama continues, his usual good mood returning.

Kagami nods again. “I can nap while I wait.”

Hashirama gives him another, more genuine smile. “Thank you, Kagami.”

Kagami isn't doing anything worth being thanked for. He would have come to see Tobirama anyway, and his relationship with Tobirama, while not advertised loudly, isn't a secret.

“Spending time with him isn't a difficulty, Hokage-sama. I'd been looking forward to seeing him anyway.”

Hashirama nods as they reach the shōji that leads to Tobirama’s bedroom. “If you need anything, just call for me. I had to get some work done anyway, and Madara is in a mood, so I'll be around.”

They trade a final, wry smile- Madara is frequently in a mood- before Kagami opens the shōji and slips into Tobirama’s room.

He's slept here so often and Tobirama is so fond of his habits, Kagami can find his way to the zabuton in the dark.

Tobirama doesn't speak.

“I'm home,” Kagami says as he walks over and lies down on the tatami mat between the futon and Tobirama. He keeps his voice low, though Tobirama is difficult to disturb when he's meditating.

Tobirama doesn't answer.

Kagami closes his eyes and lets his thoughts drift.

Eventually, he hears muffled footsteps, but he doesn't speak until they disappear and a full minute has passed.

“So, how long have you been pretending to be meditating?”

“I'm not sure,” Tobirama admits, voice rasping. He doesn't open his eyes. “It was a façade when my brother came to harangue me this morning, but at some point, it became genuine.”

“When did it become pretend again?” he asks.

“Around the time I felt your chakra.”

Kagami hums. “So more than half an hour ago? I had to walk back.”

“I was tired of being watched. He treats me like an egg about to hatch. Following you was restful.”

Being involved with a sensor-type can be uncomfortable; reckoning with Tobirama’s ability to find him anywhere in the village, at any time, without Kagami knowing, had been daunting. It still unsettles Kagami at times, but the power isn't one-sided. The Sharingan could be used against Tobirama, and Tobirama is reckoning with it in return.

“That could sound romantic,” Kagami says. “Was it?”

Tobirama cracks one eye open and looks at Kagami.

“Not intentionally.”

“One day,” Kagami promises. “You'll do something romantic on purpose one day.”

Tobirama grunts. He opens both eyes fully and turns toward Kagami.

Tobirama rarely looks rested, but even for him, the dark circles under his eyes are stark.

“Bed,” Kagami orders. “We’ll talk when you aren't upright.”

Tobirama stays where he is, eyes narrowed as he watches Kagami.

Kagami watches him back.

A long moment passes, then Tobirama stands up and gets into bed.

This is what Hashirama doesn't understand, Kagami thinks as he rolls over to face Tobirama. Chasing Tobirama is the fastest way to lose him; he's too quick for even Hashirama to catch him.

The only way to convince Tobirama to come close is to wait for him to do it on his own.

It took weeks of being walked home at night for Kagami to get the goodnight kiss he'd been waiting for. He could have made a point of telling Tobirama that couples kiss goodnight and gotten the kiss faster, but Tobirama wouldn’t have been so flustered after.

Tobirama is worth waiting for, so Kagami waits.

The more he's proven himself able not to push, the less he's had to wait and the more demands Tobirama has allowed him to make.

Hiruzen and Danzō have accused Kagami of having a power fetish, which is true and isn't.

Tobirama pulls the duvet up to his chin and looks at Kagami steadily.

It’s a rush that Tobirama obeys him, but the source is the choice. Every time Tobirama stops arguing with someone or leaves his work because Kagami calls him, he's choosing to do that.

“My brother told you to tell him what the problem with me is, didn't he?”

Kagami nods. “He's worried.”

“He shouldn't be.”

“If you spoke to him, he wouldn't be.”

Tobirama closes his eyes, and Kagami’s heart aches.

The hardest part of loving Tobirama is that he's so closed off. He expresses some things easily, but if he doesn't understand a feeling, he keeps it inside.

Everything he feels about Hashirama that isn't fraternal affection hasn't seen the light in years.

“I’ll keep you company until you fall asleep,” Kagami promises, adjusting his arm under his head. “We’ll talk more later.”

Kagami settles in to wait, but Tobirama touches his wrist.

Kagami recognizes the request and twines their fingers together.

He’s spent a lot of time thinking about Tobirama's hands. They're softer than he'd thought they would be, the skin smooth despite frequent washing and decades of combat.

Tobirama has long fingers. Most of them have been broken and healed so often even he doesn't know the exact number, and the tips are more scarred than callused. That’s unusual for a ninja, and Kagami had been so curious when he realized, he'd accidentally thought himself into wondering how they'd feel on his skin.

He'd never thought he'd find out. His crush had simmered, pushed to the back of his mind as he found himself assigned to mission after mission with Tobirama. He'd thought it would go away like every other crush.

Instead, Kagami had found himself getting to know Tobirama. Hashirama’s stern younger brother had slowly become a friend. As he did, Tobirama’s small, hard won smiles became easier to earn, even as his flaws grew more clear- Hashirama isn't the only one who gets frustrated with Tobirama’s stubbornness.

Kagami squeezes Tobirama’s hand, and Tobirama squeezes back.

Then he starts to pull.

“What are you- You want me to get in with you?” Kagami asks.

Tobirama nods, and rather than argue, Kagami crawls over and into the futon.

Fitting two men on the mattress is a tight fit, but being held tight is nice.

The problem is Kagami.

“You should have let me bathe first,” he tells Tobirama. “I stink.”

Tobirama hums. “You do.”

Kagami doesn't let himself think about why Tobirama is so immune to smells that send most other people skittering away.

“We should go to an onsen sometime," Kagami suggests. "Neither of us has had a vacation in a long time, and Hiruzen told me about a nice place one country over.”

The only answer he gets is Tobirama nosing at Kagami’s ear. It tickles, as Tobirama knows it will, and Kagami squirms.

The playful facet of Tobirama’s personality is a small one, but it's there, a welcome surprise in a man too often given to unhappiness.

Laying his hands over Tobirama's, Kagami asks, “Are you going to tell me what spooked you so much?”

“I saw everything I’ve done.” Tobirama plays with the hem of Kagami’s shirt. “It was more than seeing my life flash before my eyes. I felt every moment I’d lived and knew every thought I'd ever had. It couldn't have lasted long, but I relived my entire life, all at once. I've put it to fuller use than I'd realized.”

Squeezing Tobirama's hands, Kagami asks, "Is that a problem?”

Tobirama hums, thoughtful. “I'm proud of how I spent most of it.”

Kagami nudges Tobirama with his elbow. "You're proud of more than 'most'."

“Perhaps," Tobirama allows, "but pride in what I've done and pride in the effects of my choices aren't mutually inclusive.”

Tobirama has killed Uchihas. Izuna wasn't the first Uchiha to bloody his blade; he’s likely the only one to survive it.

“They aren't mutually exclusive either," Kagami points out. They can't raise the dead; bringing up the masses of unmarked graves of Uchihas and Senjus will do neither of them any good. "You have a long time left to build things and use them in ways you're proud of." 

Tobirama huffs. “I’m lucky to have you.” He kisses the back of Kagami's neck. “I'd assumed I’d told you that, but I didn't have any memories of saying so.”

Kagami squeezes Tobirama's hands again.

Tobirama nudges his knee between Kagami's thighs, and Kagami lets himself enjoy the familiar feeling of Tobirama beginning his ritual of slowly rolling on top of him. It might be a defensive habit, a remnant of a time when his body was a shield for someone smaller, or simply something he likes to do. Regardless, Kagami's chest aches at the thought of one day having to go to sleep knowing he’ll never wake up with Tobirama's weight holding him in place again.

“I know you won't suddenly become more careful,” he says quietly, “but I wish you'd try, Tobirama. For the village's sake and for your brother's.”

Using Hashirama against Tobirama isn't fighting dirty; it's using every resource, as Tobirama himself would do.

"For Hashirama and the village but not for you?" Tobirama asks.

"I know your priorities."

"If that were true, you wouldn't have left yourself out."

Kagami closes his eyes. He teases Tobirama for not being much of a romantic, and it always hits him hard when Tobirama casually does something like this. "Try to be careful for your brother, the village, and me, then."

"Better." Tobirama shifts a little farther onto Kagami.

Kagami doesn't tell Tobirama he should take care of himself for his own sake, too, but he thinks it.

He keeps thinking it as Tobirama slowly completes his journey and falls asleep with his face tucked into Kagami's neck.

The sun hasn't set yet, but Kagami is tired. He’ll come up with something to tell Hashirama later, after he's bathed and eaten and made sure Tobirama has done the same.

Until then, they’ve earned their rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a set number of chapters or an update schedule, but there will definitely be more
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Tobirama, E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: accidental drug use (Kagami drinks a truth serum nobody knows is a truth serum)
> 
> I accidentally messed up the timeline when I was writing this, so this takes place in a world where it took another ten years or so for Konoha to be founded

Indolence has never been part of Tobirama’s life. It wasn't allowed when he was a child, and it doesn't feel right as an adult. He wakes early and spends his waking hours working. When he finishes his work or gets to the point of needing to sleep, he retires immediately.

The idea of breaking that cycle and lingering didn't hold any appeal until he began sharing his bed.

He still can't spend a day doing nothing, but if Kagami is next to him, lying still for a few more minutes has more appeal.

He turns over slowly, hoping to wake Kagami early and steal a moment with him before they have to get up and begin their day, but Kagami’s side of the bed is empty.

It's rare for Kagami to wake up before Tobirama and rarer still for him to leave without saying goodbye.

Concerned, Tobirama gets to his feet and goes looking.

It doesn't take long. Kagami is sitting outside on the engawa _._ His eyes are closed, and he doesn't look over as Tobirama sits down beside him.

“Is something wrong?” Tobirama asks. It's too cold to sit out here dressed in as little as Kagami is wearing. “You're up early, and you didn't wake me.”

“I didn't want to look at you,” Kagami says, then winces.

Tobirama blinks. “Why not?”

“Because you used the cup I drink out of for one of your experiments and didn't tell me or mark it, and now I can't stop saying whatever I think.” Kagami clenches his fists. “I don't like this, Tobirama, and I hate arguing with you, but I’m angry. Please just tell me what I drank and how to fix it.”

Casting his mind back, Tobirama tries to think of an experiment he'd used a cup for but comes up empty. He's been careful not to leave things around now that Kagami lives with him; they had a few near-misses early on.

“Are you taking so long because you feel guilty or because there are too many options?”

Kagami winces again.

“Neither,” Tobirama tells him. Kagami’s ire and assumption of Tobirama’s guilt are understandable, if misplaced. “I’m not currently using any cups, much less ones in my home.”

Kagami opens his eyes and looks over sharply. “Then what's happening?”

He looks frightened, and Tobirama spares a moment to wish he were more careful. “It's unlikely to be anything dangerous. I suspect my brother was trying to be helpful.”

_“Your brother?”_

* * *

Hashirama is a large, handsome man. In many ways, he's the opposite of Tobirama.

His face is unlined, but when wrinkles do set in, they’ll begin around his eyes from the smiling that comes so naturally to him. Tobirama’s wrinkles will begin around his mouth from frowning.

Hashirama is tall and broad, well-suited to the role of the village’s god. His skin is dark and healthy, unmarked despite years of fighting. Tobirama is thinner and less approachable; he has more scars in the space between his palms and his shoulders than other ninjas have on their bodies.

With Hashirama's kimono half hanging off, it's impossible to miss the differences between them.

Tobirama knows all of this because Kagami rattled it and more in a stream of consciousness monologue that still hasn't ended despite the hand Tobirama clapped over his mouth.

He's still going, but at least it's muffled.

Madara pokes his head around Hashirama. “I did warn you about spending time with Senjus, Kagami.”

Tobirama shoots him a glare, then returns his focus to his brother. “I know you brought me tea last night. What was in it?”

“Tea,” Hashirama tells him. “It was just tea with a little-”

He cuts himself off.

“It was the blend you bring me when I can't sleep, wasn't it?” Tobirama asks.

Hashirama's eyes go wide. “I didn't think.”

“Neither of us did.”

“You think the extra herbs did this?”

“Drugs do affect people differently sometimes. Uchihas in particular seem to react strangely.”

Hashirama and Madara wince.

Kagami, who's fallen quiet, breathes out through his mouth as Tobirama takes his hand off it.

“Still,” Tobirama continues, thoughtful, “I wouldn't have thought you'd get a truth serum from a remedy for insomnia.”

“Tobirama,” Hashirama warns.

“I'm not going to weaponize it. I'm just wondering if-”

“Tobirama.”

“Fine, fine. I’m curious that you thought to bring it to me, though. I hadn't thought you'd continue now that the village is stable and I’m not working as hard.”

Hashirama crosses his arms; fraternal disappointment pours off him. “Aren't you? I’d thought that the stability would help, too, along with Kagami moving in and assisting you would help, but you look even more exhausted, Tobi.”

Tobirama rubs his forehead.

Madara sighs. “Really, Hashirama.”

Kagami blurts, “He hasn't been sleeping because we've been having sex.”

* * *

Kagami’s face is red as he and Tobirama sit down at the low table in the room Hashirama directed them to.

It takes him longer to speak than Tobirama would have guessed, but Kagami’s thoughts do seem to freeze when he's overwhelmed.

They've been sitting for a few minutes when Kagami’s thoughts unfreeze.

“I’m sorry.”

Tobirama waves off the apology. “It’s fine. None of this is your fault. Hashirama and I should have anticipated the possibility of this happening.”

“Yes, you should have, but I don't mean the tea.” Kagami looks at him steadily. “I'm talking about what I said about your brother when we first got here.”

Tobirama clears his throat. “You're allowed to notice other people. As long as you're content with me, then I'm fine.”

It's a weak answer, and Tobirama feels a rush of relief that he isn't the one forced to speak the truth.

“I'm more than ‘content’ with you,” Kagami corrects sharply. His face pinches. “You weren't my only option when we got together, and you still aren't. I’m with you because I like you best.”

“You don't have to placate me.”

“Placate you? You drive me up the wall, Tobirama. I see your flaws so clearly I could paint them. You're stubborn and pessimistic. You have little regard for yourself and disregard others when it suits you. I’m not convinced you know the difference between being careful and holding a grudge and I wonder if you even want to.

“But you're trying to be kind. You lose your way because no one watches you.” Kagami takes Tobirama’s hands in his. “Did you know you cross your arms when you're embarrassed? I wake up early because you're clumsy first thing in the morning and I like that I’m allowed to see that.

“Yes, Hashirama is handsome and we have to live with me saying that, but I prefer you. In every way, I prefer you.

“I didn't hurt Izuna for the sake of a consolation prize. I got my first choice when I kissed you, and if you don't believe me now, then I’ll prove it to you. Starting the next time I push you down on our bed, I’ll make you say my name and I’ll tell you how much I love the way it sounds while I put my hand around your-”

Tobirama covers Kagami’s mouth.

“You aren’t disappointed. I understand,” he says quickly. “Is the next thing you say going to be about sex?”

Kagami nods, and Tobirama leaves his hand where it is, letting Kagami’s stream of thoughts tumble into his palm.

Some of it is still comprehensible, and a few comments make Tobirama raise his eyebrows.

Blushing hard, Kagami gives him a helpless shrug each time. Tobirama tries to help, but every time he attempts to steer the conversation away, Kagami blurts something that brings it back.

Kagami is still babbling when the shōji snaps open and Madara marches in.

“Antidote,” he explains, pushing a small cup at Kagami. “Hashirama says you'll probably fall asleep right after you take it. You're welcome to stay here and sleep it off.”

At a look from Kagami, Tobirama takes his hand away.

Kagami looks up at Madara. “Can I take it home?”

“You don't want to return to normal right away?” Madara asks.

“I have plans with Tobirama that would be better if I could-”

Tobirama firmly puts his hand back over Kagami’s mouth.

Madara glances between them before he pushes the cup at Tobirama. “Whatever this is about, don't bother bringing this back.”

He stalks away without another word.

“I wanted to have sex this morning,” Kagami says.

“And you still want to?”

“I do.”

Kagami looks at him steadily, dark eyes serious. He's waiting on Tobirama, offering a challenge and making a request at once, and Tobirama accepts with a small nod.

* * *

Tobirama bites his tongue as Kagami sinks down on him.

“I wish you'd let yourself make more noise,” Kagami says, leaning down to kiss him. “You sound so good when you let go.”

“Habit,” Tobirama reminds him.

It's habit to hold the back of Kagami’s thighs, too, but Kagami doesn't complain about that.

Kagami kisses him again. “Habits can break. You used to avoid looking at me when we had sex. I thought you hated it, but you kept coming back.”

They've talked about this before, but Tobirama still feels compelled to say, “I didn't hate it.”

“I know. You’re just embarrassed that someone is seeing you want something for yourself.” Instead of leaning back up like he usually does, Kagami tilts forward and down, laying himself flat on Tobirama’s chest. “It makes it even more of a turn on when you look right at me.”

Tobirama takes a deep, steadying breath.

Kagami kisses his throat. “There you go again. Hiding.”

“I'm not hiding."

“You are. You want something, and it's been so long since you let yourself do that, you run from it.” He rolls his hips, taking Tobirama deeper and rubbing his cock against Tobirama's stomach. “I was going to say something else, but this feels so good I can't think straight. You're so big.”

Tobirama’s face heats. “I have no control over that.”

Kagami huffs. “Yet it came out perfect.” He kisses Tobirama’s chest. “I know why you don't think about yourself, but I do. I can't stop thinking about you. I want peace sometimes just so I won't have to go without feeling your body against mine.”

Tobirama slides his hands up Kagami’s thighs. “I prefer yours.”

He flexes his fingers, feeling the muscles shift as Kagami rocks against him, and Kagami kisses his chest a second time.

“The first time I met you, Hiruzen and I had been assigned to you for a mission and you were arguing with your brother outside the Academy. Even after we departed, I couldn't stop thinking about you. You hadn't put your armor on yet, and you looked so thin, I’d thought Hiruzen was playing a trick on me. There was no way Senju Tobirama could be anything less than a giant. If you weren't as big as Hashirama, how could you be faster than him?" He noses at Tobirama’s neck. “I figured it out quickly. Even without hiraishin, you move quickly because you don't hesitate. You nearly left Hiruzen and me behind a number of times."

“We had a mission that was time sensitive.”

“We did,” Kagami agrees. “There was still time for Hiruzen to figure out that I was watching the hokage's brother’s ass. He laughed at me for a week, especially after we ran into you at that onsen.”

Saru should be careful of the behavior he laughs at, but Tobirama is more interested in the movement of Kagami’s hips than his protégé.

Kagami kisses him softly. “I never thought you'd be the type to visit a place like that without a knife to your throat.”

“I can relax.”

“You can.”

“But?”

“But I didn't expect you to be able to relax in public, and you're so guarded that I would have assumed you'd wear something into the water.”

Tobirama shakes his head, but Kagami catches his lips for another kiss.

“I was a little disappointed there aren't more of these-” Kagami touches Tobirama’s chin “-but the rest of you makes up for it.”

“I could make more,” Tobirama offers.

Kagami smiles against his lips. “Maybe for my birthday.”

A shiver runs up Tobirama’s spine.

Birthday.

“Someday you'll stop being surprised that I like to think about us still being together in the future,” Kagami says.

Tobirama swallows but doesn't answer.

Kagami gets sidetracked as he begins talking about his last birthday and the sex they'd had in Tobirama’s lab, and Tobirama lets the praise wash over him.

He hears what Kagami is saying, but the more Kagami talks, the harder it gets for Tobirama to know what to say. If Kagami were only telling him it feels good, Tobirama could work with that; they aren't silent when they're in bed together. The problem is what Kagami says when he isn't recounting fantasies he's been too embarrassed to mention.

“I want you to be happy,” he says against Tobirama’s jaw.

“You look at me like you think I’m going to leave,” he tells Tobirama’s chest.

“I'm scared of telling you how much I want you to stay with me.” He presses his forehead to Tobirama’s shoulder. “If I ask you to stay, you might leave, but if I don't ask, you'll think I don't want you.

“Tell me how to keep you.”

Tobirama swallows. “There's no need to worry about that. I'm not going anywhere.”

“That's easier said than done.”

“Kagami.”

“I know you don't make promises. That's why I've never said anything.” Kagami brushes a kiss to Tobirama's neck. “Are you going to disappear when we finish?”

Tobirama tilts his head for a soft kiss. “Having sex? I wasn't planning to go anywhere, no.”

Kagami lets out a shuddering breath. His fingers dig into Tobirama hard enough to hurt as he opens his mouth for a kiss and deepens it.

Tobirama pulls on Kagami’s lower lip with his teeth, and Kagami groans.

“I know I said I wanted to take it slow, but please.” Kagami kisses him hard. “Please, Tobirama.”

Tobirama runs the tips of his fingers down the back of Kagami's thigh. “Whatever you want, it's yours.”

“I want you to love me.”

Kagami freezes.

Tobirama freezes.

“Kagami, I-”

“I love you so much it hurts when I think about it. Please pretend I didn't say that. Please pretend I didn't say either of those things.”

He squeezes his eyes tight. “Please.”

Tobirama lifts his hands to Kagami’s face. “Kagami.”

Expression miserable, Kagami opens his eyes.

“I told you, didn't I?” Tobirama runs his thumb over Kagami’s cheek. “Whatever you want is yours.”

Kagami clenches his jaw. “Don't say that when I asked you to love me.”

Tobirama stretches up for a kiss. “It's a little fast, but you shouldn't rule it out.”

“You can't just say that."

“Really? Well, I can pretend I didn't didn't hear anything. I only wanted to be sure you weren't dismissing the idea out of hand.”

He kisses Kagami again, and Kagami leans into it, using his weight to press Tobirama deeper into the mattress.

“Thank you.” He bumps their noses together. “I really want to come now.”

Tobirama catches Kagami’s lower lip and pulls on it with his teeth. “How many times do I have to tell you? You can have whatever you want from me.”

Kagami pants his name, voice catching as he shifts his weight, and rides him hard and fast, kissing Tobirama sloppily until he comes.

Tobirama pets him through it. Kagami’s breath comes in raggedly as he buries his face in Tobirama’s neck. His weight is solid, his forehead damp with sweat against Tobirama’s skin.

He's everything Tobirama had thought he wouldn't be allowed to have.

They lie like that as Kagami’s breathing evens out. Tobirama bites his tongue and keeps his hips still until Kagami sits up.

He winces as pulls off but flashes Tobirama a smile as he takes the condom off and tosses it in the trash.

Tobirama takes a long, deep breath in.

Kagami reaches back and closes his hand around Tobirama’s cock. He looks down as Tobirama as he does, expression soft. It sends a shiver down Tobirama's spine; no one looks at him the way Kagami does.

No one else would take Tobirama’s hand and bring it to their lips to press a soft kiss to his knuckles.

No one else smiles at him like the simple act of looking at him makes them happy.

Kagami is the best of them. Everything a ninja should be, he is. Everything that makes a person good, he has. Everything Tobirama can't be, all of it lives in Kagami.

There's a feeling in the pit of Tobirama's stomach that says he should tell Kagami, but the words stick in his throat as Kagami lays Tobirama's palm on his cheek. It scratches; Kagami’s stubble grows in quickly and leaves Tobirama's skin raw where Kagami rubs his face.

Tobirama’s heart hurts.

He can almost get lost in the pain, but Kagami has a firm grip on him and is stroking him too fast for Tobirama's thoughts to wander far.

His eyes are dark, and Tobirama’s throat burns with the heat of the things he wants to say but can't.

“You really do always look at me now,” Kagami says. “Do you know you do that?”

“Should I not?” Tobirama asks.

“No, I like it.” Kagami turns his head into Tobirama’s hand, and Tobirama’s heart skips at the feeling of Kagami kissing his palm. “I spent a long time trying to get your attention. Now that I have it, I want to keep it.”

His lips are soft, and Tobirama wishes Kagami would lean down for another kiss.

He doesn't lean down, and Tobirama can't remember how to ask. All he can do is watch.

He tries to warn Kagami when he gets close, but Kagami only meets his eyes and says, “I’m not going anywhere either.”

Tobirama comes with a groan.

Kagami is slow to let go, and Tobirama quivers as Kagami skims his fingers over Tobirama’s skin.

“Should we thank your brother?” Kagami asks, no longer breathing hard. He finally pulls his hand away and settles with his back braced against Tobirama’s bent knees, stretching out his own so they lie open across the width of the bed. His skin will stick to Tobirama's if they don't get up and wash soon. Tobirama would go now if he could; the sweat makes him itch.

He stays where he is because Kagami is smiling at him, their joined hands resting on his thigh. The hair there is dark like the trail that runs down his belly but softer, the muscles thick from years of training; if Tobirama’s hand were free, he'd run his palm over Kagami’s thigh, but he doesn't want to let go of Kagami’s hand.

He has two hands, and the soft, happy sound Kagami makes is worth the effort of reaching for him.

“You’re okay?” Kagami asks.

“I'm fine. Are you?”

“I'll be a little sore for a while, but it's nice.” He squeezes Tobirama’s hand. “You're sure you're okay?”

Tobirama frowns. “Of course. Should I not be?”

“No, but things were more intense this time. And you're looking at me oddly.”

“It was more intense, yes, but I enjoyed it. That's all you should see on my face.”

“Even the things I said?”

Kagami’s face is turning pink; a similar heat creeps up Tobirama’s face.

“You didn't say anything I was unhappy to hear.” Tobirama takes Kagami’s other hand in his. “I’m glad you want me.”

Rather than be reassured, Kagami frowns. “Are you sure? You know I’m an Uchiha.”

“It's difficult to miss. I thought you understood I’m not as hateful toward your clan as people think.”

“I do understand that. I’m asking if you're really comfortable being loved by someone who could self-destruct. I may be less erratic than my kin, but I’m not immune, Tobirama. There may come a day when you have to fight me like your brother fought Madara. That isn't nothing.”

Tobirama had been wondering when this would come up.

Releasing Kagami's hands, he leans up on his elbows. “Do you think I haven't considered that?”

“No, I’m sure you have, but you haven't talked about it with me.”

Communication, Tobirama thinks. Hashirama is always yelling at him for only communicating partway.

“You and I aren't Hashirama and Madara. Our relationship will never be like theirs.” Sensing Kagami’s objection, Tobirama shakes his head. “But if you lost your way, I would of course come get you.”

“And if you couldn't?” Kagami presses.

“Then either I would be as kind of a jailer as a person can be or my brother and Madara would look after you in my stead.”

Kagami closes his eyes.

“You don't have Madara’s kind of hatred,” Tobirama tells him. “But if that isn't enough, then remember this: if I’m not here to care for you, I will ensure others will. I won't abandon you, Kagami. Regardless of whether I'm alive or not, you won't be left to endure on your own."

“Is that a promise?”

“It is.” Shifting his weight onto one elbow, Tobirama reaches for Kagami. He runs his fingers through Kagami’s hair before pulling him down by the back of his head. “Trust me to look after you, and I will.”

Kagami bumps their foreheads together. “Thank you.”

Tobirama tilts his head for a kiss. He intends it to be soft, which it is, but Kagami leans into him and tilts his head for a deeper kiss.

Hands heavy on Tobirama’s shoulders, Kagami presses him back into the mattress once more.

“Again?” Tobirama asks.

Kagami nips the side of Tobirama’s neck. “If you're okay with that.”

Tobirama reaches for the box on the bedside table but pauses to ask, “You definitely aren't too sore?”

“Tobirama,” Kagami shifts, drawing Tobirama’s attention to the feeling of Kagami’s cock against his hip, and Tobirama draws an unsteady breath in.

“You aren't too sore, then,” he says.

Kagami reaches down and gives Tobirama a deliberate stroke. “Not yet, but I’m hoping.”

Tobirama grabs the box.


	3. Tobirama, T

The sound of footsteps on the engawa draws Tobirama’s attention.

He isn't expecting guests, and he’s in the middle of puzzling out Izuna’s annotations on a law Madara wants to enact. There are more than he cares to count, but they're useful. Madara doesn't organize his thoughts; the original scrawled contents of the scroll are chaotic.

Izuna is more organized than his brother, but his writing is even messier.

At least he uses katakana. Tobirama’s vision is swimming; the idea of having to parse kanji is nauseating. He would welcome any interruption at this point, but from the cadence of the footsteps, soft though they are, his unexpected visitor is someone he likes.

The shōji opens, and Kagami shuffles inside.

He has one hand over his eyes.

“I'm sorry for intruding like this,” he says, voice quiet, “but could I stay here for a little while?”

The color is gone from his face, and despite his confusion- Kagami’s apartment isn't large, but it's comfortable- Tobirama says, “Of course. You know you're welcome here.”

Kagami nods, but instead of backtracking to one of the rooms he's used in the past, he crosses the room and lies down next to Tobirama. He doesn't pause even to pick up a pillow; he merely sinks down to the floor, lays his head on one arm, and covers his eyes with the other.

Tobirama doesn't ask why Kagami decided to curl up here. It doesn't matter.

As Kagami’s breathing slows, Tobirama reaches down with one hand and lays a hand on Kagami’s forehead.

He did this frequently for Hashirama when they were younger and still does when Hashirama is worrying himself into a headache. Having cold hands isn't often a blessing, but it isn't without use.

Kagami, like Hashirama, sighs in relief.

Tobirama returns to the scroll, writing what he decides one-handed on another as Kagami drifts off.

Tobirama loses track of time as he works. Kagami doesn't so much as mumble in his sleep, and it isn't until the sunlight has faded so much that it's too dark to read that Tobirama sets his work aside.

“You're finished?” Kagami asks. He must have woken up while Tobirama was working and decided to wait. 

Tobirama considers the question. “Not entirely, but I've made enough progress to be finished for the day.”

He moves his hand to stroke Kagami’s cheek, and Kagami turns his face into Tobirama’s hand.

“Thank you for letting me stay.”

“Of course.” In the dark, it's easier to say, “My home is always open to you.”

“There's a difference between an open invitation to visit and interrupting you while you work,” Kagami points out. 

“I did wonder why chose to find me. You passed at least two serviceable rooms on your way here.”

“Ah.”

“You don't want to tell me?”

“It's silly.”

“Have you forgotten who my brother is?”

“I hope your feelings about me are different from the ones you have for Hashirama.”

“And they are. Stop dodging the question.”

Kagami chuckles. “I sleep better next to you. It's easier to relax.”

“…I see.”

“No, you don't.”

Kagami says it fondly, so Tobirama doesn't argue. “Next time, just make yourself comfortable.”

Kagami brings Tobirama's hand to his lips and kisses Tobirama’s fingers. “If you insist.”

“I do.”

There's a small shift of chakra, and a moment later, a small flame flies from Kagami’s hand and lights one of the candles on the table.

After the chaos and dearth of privacy that came with sharing a room with Hashirama, then simply being Hashirama’s brother, Tobirama had enjoyed the first month of peace after he made his own home.

The silence wears on him now. Hashirama is annoying, but not having him around leaves Tobirama feeling lonely in a way he never anticipated.

Kagami is good company. He’s quiet and thoughtful, and the ways he wants attention are easy to understand. 

The only downside to him being in the room when Tobirama is working is the distracting urge to kiss him. It's easier to manage if Kagami is working or, like today, isn't feeling well. When Kagami is just lying near him, Tobirama's work loses its importance.

“Are you going home?” Tobirama asks.

“I'd been planning on it, but I could be persuaded to stay.” Kagami tugs on Tobirama's arm until Tobirama leans in, then presses his lips to Tobirama’s chin.

“Come closer. 

“Not quite.”

Tobirama tilts his head and kisses Kagami’s lips.

“You said you could be persuaded to stay. How would I do that?” Tobirama asks. He should sit up, but if he stays bent over, he might get another kiss.

“You're doing a good job so far.” As Tobirama had hoped, Kagami kisses him. “It's been a while since I got here. Have you eaten yet?”

He must not have been awake for long before Tobirama stopped writing.

“I haven't. I’ll cook for us both if you want to stay.”

Bumping their noses together, Kagami hums. “I'd like that.”

“Did you eat lunch?”

“No, I wasn't feeling up to it.”

“Then you'll eat a full meal now.” Despite his reluctance to leave, Tobirama gets to his feet. “Are you coming, or should I bring it to you?”

Kagami blinks, then hauls himself up as well. “I’ll come. I haven't watched you cook in a while. I don't want to miss it.”

“I'm only heating up vegetables,” Tobirama points out.

“I can't explain it. I just like watching you.”

Shaking his head, Tobirama swallows the impulse to argue; it's pointless and Kagami needs to eat. “Let's go. The sooner we start, the sooner you'll eat.”

Kagami smiles softly, and as Tobirama heads to the kitchen, Kagami catches his hand and twines their fingers together.

Tobirama knows Hashirama’s preferences after years of cooking for him. He’d assumed that those, along with the preferences of Hashirama’s future spouse and children, would be the only ones he'd have any reason to learn.

Knowing what Kagami likes is different. Tobirama ought to know, but the list of things Kagami enjoys doesn't come with the same sense of duty. Visiting the myriad little shops with each clan’s particular dishes and learning together what's good and what makes Kagami turn green isn’t a project. More often than not, it's fun.

Fun isn't supposed to be a factor in Tobirama’s life, but tending to an Uchiha with a headache wasn't either.

There's a dish Kagami loves that, after months of testing, Tobirama has tweaked to fit Kagami’s taste.

It's complicated, though, and preparing even a simple meal is best done with both hands. The longer Kagami’s fingers spend wrapped around Tobirama’s, the less Tobirama wants to reclaim his hand.

Kenjutsu was one of the first disciplines Butsuma taught his sons. In the new world, it feels right that instead of cutting down an Uchiha with the blades in his kitchen, Tobirama cooks for the one he loves.   



	4. Kagami, M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: descriptions of scarring and other long term effects of previous, canon typical violence

Kagami wakes to a low, pained groan.

“Tobirama?” he asks, fumbling in the dark for the man who's supposed to be lying next to him, only to find that side of the bed empty.

“It's just a cramp,” Tobirama says tightly. “I’ll be fine. Go back to sleep.”

If anyone else said that, Kagami would let it go, but for Tobirama to be in enough pain that he accidentally woke Kagami up, it's more than a simple twitch.

Kagami has seen and felt the scarring on Tobirama’s body. Even on a shinobi’s scale, the damage from fending off the Kinkaku Force was catastrophic. He should have died.

His brother stands a god among men, but Tobirama has none of the regeneration that makes Hashirama so powerful. He will never walk entirely on his own again. One leg was misaligned after breaking and healing incorrectly as he dragged himself home but proved fixable. The other was in tatters, little more than shredded flesh and broken bone.

But he lived.

Kagami, like the rest of the village, had anticipated more resistance from Tobirama about the necessary changes to his role in the village after his return. Instead, he retreated for two days to mourn, and when the third day began, he emerged and declared himself ready to work.

That declaration and the reality of being disabled haven't always aligned. He still has periods where he gets angry, and no one, Hashirama and Kagami included, is welcome to comfort him.

Kagami can't hold it against him. Despite his strength as a strategist, Tobirama had always insisted on heading to the front when his skill set was appropriate, but the speed that made him a terror in battle is gone. He can use hiraishin, but he can't make use of it.

Without his cane, Tobirama can barely stand up, and even being able to use ninjutsu with a single, one-handed seal now can't make up for his reliance on it.

Sitting up, Kagami turns on the light.

Tobirama doesn't look over as he does his best to stretch and massage the cramp away, and Kagami shakes his head.

“One of these days, you'll listen to me when I tell you to wake me up.”

“I can handle a cramp,” Tobirama grits.

Kagami swings his legs over the side of the bed. “Is that why you took your clothes off, too? Because it was just a cramp?”

Tobirama doesn't answer.

He never does, but Kagami always asks. The important thing with Tobirama isn't to get him to answer; it's to remind him that Kagami cares about the answer.

They’ll work on the nightmares when Tobirama is ready. For now, the cramps are enough.

Kagami joins Tobirama on his side of the bed and kneels so he can reach Tobirama’s calf.

Tobirama pulls his hands away without being asked, leaning harder into the bedside table as he does, and Kagami takes over for him.

“Can you get back to sleep on your own?” Kagami asks when he finally feels the muscle stop twitching and Tobirama relaxes. “Or should I get the tea?”

Despite his stubbornness, Tobirama does use the leaves Hashirama brought him to make the tea that helps him sleep. He needs a nudge now and then, but he can usually be trusted to drink it when he needs it.

Tobirama sighs. “There's no need. I have some work I was going to wake early and finish anyway; I’ll do it now.”

He sounds tired, and without thinking, Kagami runs his fingers up the back of Tobirama's leg.

Tobirama shoots him a look, but Kagami shakes his head. He isn't trying to start anything. 

“You're sure it wouldn't be better to rest? You’ve told me you have trouble concentrating after a cramp, and I’d rather see you sleep it off and get up early than stay up and wake up early anyway because you don't trust your work.”

Tobirama’s lips twitch in a weak smile. “Don't stay up. It won't take more than an hour.”

Kagami hesitates, and Tobirama raises his eyebrows. “Is there a problem with that?”

“There's something I’d like to try.”

“Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?”

“I'd rather show you, actually.”

He can feel Tobirama’s apprehension. It's a holdover from growing up when everyone was at war, Kagami knows. He can't comprehend it; most of his childhood memories are of Konoha. The thought of an even bloodier life makes him sick to his stomach.

“Can I sit for this?” Tobirama asks.

It costs him some of his fiercely guarded pride to ask; Kagami can hear the strain in his voice.

“It would be easier if you’d lie down.”

Tobirama’s eyebrows rise higher.

Curiosity is a good look on him; it softens him.

Kagami straightens up and gives into the urge to kiss Tobirama’s chin. He can't rebuild Tobirama’s pride or his body, but he can love him.

They don't say anything as Kagami helps Tobirama back into bed.

Tobirama isn't the type of person who encourages others to touch him, but he lets Kagami guide him, eyes closing as Kagami tells him how to arrange himself.

Finally lying prone, legs open and head pillowed on his arms, Tobirama lets out a soft sigh.

Kagami’s chest grows tight. Like this, the scars that cover Tobirama’s body are obvious, and Kagami has to swallow words Tobirama won't understand.

 _I’m glad you aren't angry that you survived,_ would mean nothing to him. It wouldn't occur to him to resent being alive for the pain he lives in.

“I'll be back in a moment,” Kagami promises, taking a moment to stroke the curve of Tobirama’s spine. “I have to grab something.”

Tobirama makes a noise of acknowledgement, and Kagami gets to his feet.

Hashirama had approached Kagami a few weeks ago with a bottle and a look of chagrin.

“I already know he’ll refuse if I tell him I want to help,” he'd said, “and I can't just give it to him because he’d hurt himself trying to apply it on his own. You're the only person he might listen to.”

Bottle in hand, Kagami returns to their bed and kneels between Tobirama's legs.

He's a treat to look at, as he always has been.

Kagami doesn't tell him that. They've established that Kagami likes Tobirama’s body; there's no need to revisit that initial, uncomfortable discussion when they've already had it in full and Kagami’s throat is sore from reminding Tobirama how much Kagami appreciates him earlier.

Uncapping the bottle, Kagami pours oil into his palm.

Tobirama doesn't say anything, but Kagami can feel his curiosity growing.

There's a joke to be made about Tobirama being the one on his belly while Kagami puts oil on his hand, but this wouldn't be the first time Tobirama spread his legs because he wanted to feel Kagami on top of him. 

Once the oil has had time to warm up and the bottle is tucked between Kagami’s thighs, he lays a hand on the back of Tobirama's leg that had been cramping.

The scarring changed the texture of Tobirama's skin and made him more sensitive to touch; Kagami can feel the difference. With the oil, his hands move without drag. He can knead the muscle without hurting Tobirama.

In the low light, Tobirama’s skin begins to gleam.

The motions of working the oil into Tobirama’s skin are comfortably repetitive, Tobirama’s breathing smooth, and Kagami finds himself relaxing into the massage.

He loses track of time as he makes his way down Tobirama’s leg, pouring more oil when he needs to and running his hands over as much of Tobirama’s leg as he can reach. It's more thorough than it needs to be, but as with earlier, Kagami doesn't think about it. He just loves touching Tobirama.

He goes until he reaches Tobirama’s ankle. Then he shifts to Tobirama’s other leg.

He doesn't say anything about the noise Tobirama makes when Kagami lets go, but he hears it and smiles to himself as he picks the bottle up once again and reaches for Tobirama’s other leg.

“Orange?” Tobirama asks as Kagami touches the back of his thigh.

“Among other things,” Kagami replies. He asked Hashirama to reformulate the oil four times until he was certain the scent wouldn't make Tobirama sick to his stomach. “Is the scent bothering you?”

“No, it's fine.”

It took a long time for Kagami to figure out Tobirama’s complicated relationship with liking things. Because he knows Tobirama as well as he does now, he knows that, “It's fine,” means far more than that.

Pleased with himself, Kagami bends to kiss the back of Tobirama’s knee where Tobirama is ticklish.

They don't talk as Kagami continues the massage. Tobirama doesn't make noise like other people do; Kagami knows this feels good because now and then, Tobirama sighs or his breath catches.

He's usually so collected, it makes Kagami’s chest tighten. Of all people, Kagami is the one Tobirama trusts like this; the hokage’s cold fish of a brother chooses to let him see how human he is. Even Tobirama believes the lie that he only sees the ends, not the horror of the means he's willing to use to get there. If he could, he'd convince himself he should discard the part of him that wants to be touched and loved.

The wars he grew up in are over. Peace is still a dream, but Tobirama doesn't have to be the man he was. He can be a man who likes people but isn't comfortable with them. He can learn not to be afraid of letting his brother’s idealism endanger himself.

He can be comforted at night when the pain wakes him.

Unable to resist, Kagami slides his hands up Tobirama’s thigh just to hear Tobirama breathe in sharply when Kagami’s hands slip under the hem of his boxers and reach higher.

“Kagami,” Tobirama warns.

Kagami skims his thumb up the curve of Tobirama’s ass. “Yes?”

Tobirama doesn't answer, but Kagami feels him tense.

He's trying to make Tobirama relax, so he bites his cheek and brings his hands back down.

Tobirama lets out an unsteady breath.

Teasing him is a private privilege; over the years, Kagami has been allowed to find the cracks in Tobirama’s armor and reach through them to the man who loves so deeply he chose to forget his own desires to help his beloved brother.

Tobirama reaches back in his way. They can’t hold hands when they walk and probably wouldn't even if it didn't put Tobirama off-balance, but Tobirama is fond of things like leaning into Kagami. He doesn't acknowledge that he does it, but he doesn't pretend he doesn't either. He puts Kagami’s hair in order when they're about to head into a meeting and plays with it when they're home.

He waits for Kagami at the training grounds and makes no secret of his praise when Kagami joins him.

The initial speculation about them hadn't been kind, but it's shifted over the years.

“I can stop here,” Kagami tells Tobirama when he gets to Tobirama’s ankle again, “or I can do your back, too. It's up to you.”

Tobirama’s answer is too muffled to make out, so Kagami asks again.

“My back would benefit,” Tobirama says, tilting his head to be heard. He sounds half-asleep.

Taking that as the request for more that it is, Kagami changes position so he's kneeling over Tobirama, knees on either side of Tobirama’s hips. He considers teasing Tobirama a little more but decides against it.

Hashirama spent the longest on the wounds that went through Tobirama’s torso. The scars there are lighter than anywhere else; some have nearly disappeared. Kagami traces the faintest one. It's shorter than his index finger, but it and its twin on Tobirama's chest are from a blade that pierced Tobirama’s lung.

“Senjus are difficult to kill,” Tobirama reminds him.

Caught, Kagami kisses Tobirama’s spine. “A fact I’m deeply grateful for.”

Tobirama hums, but as Kagami resumes the massage, a hand reaches back and comes to rest on his leg.

Uchihas are more demonstrative than members of other clans. Kagami knows they are. He also knows that Tobirama, despite his own reserve, likes that Kagami touches him where people can see. It's clear in his little smiles and the way he finds Kagami when he wants to be touched.

Kagami loves watching him ask the best way Tobirama knows how.

Every day brings with it the potential for the Mangekyō to awaken. Kagami is an orphan and an only child. He has few close friends among his clan. If his Sharingan does evolve, he knows he’ll go blind.

He and Tobirama will be quite a couple if that happens. He’ll miss seeing all the little expressions Tobirama makes, but he’ll still have Tobirama.

Going blind for the sake of the village would be worth it, and he'd get to spend his retirement with Tobirama.

A good end for a shinobi. The best, even.

Kagami scoots backward so he can kiss Tobirama’s back just above the waistband of his boxers.

Tobirama hums, the sound drawn out and sleepy.

“Wake me up when you do so I can finish this,” Kagami tells him.

“You don't need to,” Tobirama mumbles.

“If you don't want me to, that's fine, but you should know by now that I don't do things for you because I have to. Besides-” Kagami gives Tobirama’s ass a deliberate squeeze through his boxers, “-I missed a spot.”

“Kagami,” Tobirama groans.

Feeling fond but not contrite, Kagami strokes the rise of Tobirama’s hip. “Sorry, I couldn't resist. I'll let you sleep.”

He swings his leg over Tobirama and onto the floor. He quickly sets the bottle of oil on the dresser and returns to bed.

He pulls the blankets up and over them. Tobirama will be annoyed about the messy sheets in the morning; with some luck, that will make him more inclined to wake Kagami to make them even dirtier. They'll have to be washed anyway, after all.

Tobirama touches his arm as Kagami makes himself comfortable.

“Thank you.”

Kagami smiles and lays his hand on top of Tobirama’s. “I'm glad you trust me.”

Tobirama squeezes Kagami’s arm.

Kagami squeezes him back. “Sleep well, Tobirama. Wake me up if you have another cramp.”

Tobirama makes a sound that could be agreement but isn't.

Too relieved that Tobirama is actually sleeping to want to push him, Kagami closes his eyes and lets the warmth from Tobirama and the scent of oranges lull him to sleep.


	5. Tobirama, G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say _huge_ thanks to adolescentlycan for helping me get past the writer's block and putting me on track with the plot for this chapter! Thank you 🙏

Tobirama dislikes waiting.

Hashirama accuses him of being impatient, which may be true, but if he is, then Hashirama isn’t any better. Tobirama just doesn't have the gift of smoothing the feathers he ruffles.

Sighing- being sent out of the village to stand in the cold autumn rain while a dignitary plays tourist is a waste of his time, but Hashirama had insisted- Tobirama looks up at the sky. The rain isn't coming down hard, but the sky is dark. Any relief from the rain will be a long time coming.

A few paces away, Kagami rubs his arms and shifts his weight. He was a last minute substitution after Saru showed up sick from a night of drinking with Danzō, but he's a welcome one. They've gone on a number of missions together over the years, and Tobirama has been impressed each time, enough that Kagami is second only to Saru in the order of desirable partners when Tobirama leaves the village. Kagami is both talented and focused; Tobirama doesn't have to keep an eye on him at every moment.

From the state of him now, Tobirama should have been paying more attention this time.

“Kagami.”

Kagami looks over immediately. “Did you sense something, Tobirama-sama?”

Uchihas are tools to be used for the village when they're helpful and put down when they aren't.

Kagami’s lips are blue.

“Come here.”

Kagami frowns but comes closer.

He's unique in his clan. There are others who can get along and obey orders, but Kagami is the only one whose personality doesn't grate. He’s talented, not enough to be a prodigy but enough to be trusted with missions Tobirama needs to have done secretly.

When he's close enough, Tobirama opens his cape. “Get under.”

Kagami freezes. “But…”

“You're going to get sick if you don't warm up,” Tobirama says over him. “We have another week of this and I’m a poor medic.”

Kagami glances between the opening in Tobirama’s cape and Tobirama’s face.

Tobirama watches him steadily.

Bowing his head, Kagami ducks under the cape.

He's wet, and despite getting under the cape, he’s holding himself as far away from Tobirama as he can without keeping it open. The distance would be preferable to Tobirama, usually, but the point of this is to warm up. Kagami standing away from him defeats the purpose.

Tobirama pulls Kagami against him.

“You won't warm up by letting the air cool,” Tobirama reminds him. “I realize this is uncomfortable, but I have a spare cape in the scroll. Once you're warm, we’ll get it out.”

He expects more of a fight- Tobirama doesn't inspire affection, much less an interest in being close to him- but Kagami presses himself against Tobirama without further protest. He slips his arms around Tobirama’s waist and lays his damp head against Tobirama’s chest.

Despite how cold Kagami is and the wetness of Kagami's clothes, everywhere they touch makes Tobirama hot.

“You're shivering,” Tobirama notes. “You should have said something.”

“It's only autumn rain.”

“And?”

“Rain is nothing to a shinobi.”

If that's something the Academy is teaching,Tobirama is going to have to intervene. “Rain makes the world more dangerous,” he points out. “It turns dirt into mud that can catch a shinobi’s foot and trip them. Any surface can become so slippery they lose their footing. It soaks anything without a sealant, which makes them heavy. The clothes that should protect you can become hazards.

“A shinobi should never dismiss a risk simply because it seems small. A broken neck is a broken neck.”

Kagami doesn't answer. He merely steps a little closer and tucks himself against Tobirama’s chest.

The position they're in isn't comfortable. It's close to a hug, but Tobirama’s arms are hanging at his sides awkwardly, neither holding Kagami nor pushing him away. Hugs aren't unfamiliar to Tobirama. Kawarama used to hug him frequently before he proved his worth by dying, and Itama needed to be held after he had a nightmare or he wouldn't go back to sleep. Hashirama didn't look for hugs from Tobirama until Konoha came into being; now that his dream is coming to life, he pulls Tobirama into one-armed embraces periodically. He’s bigger and broader than Tobirama, and there's an understanding that Tobirama is being hugged more than he's hugging.

It’s the same now, but Kagami isn't Tobirama’s brother. He's short enough that, with his head bent as it is, Tobirama could rest his chin on the crown of Kagami’s head. He's shivering hard enough to shake Tobirama.

Tobirama lifts his arms and tentatively curls them around Kagami.

Kagami’s arms tighten around him.

There's no need for it- Kagami isn't in immediate danger- but Tobirama uses a trick Hashirama taught him and redirects chakra to his hands. He runs them up Kagami’s back, using the chakra to warm Kagami and dry his clothes, and Kagami makes a soft sound.

“Does this mean you aren't angry with me anymore?” he asks.

“Why would I be angry with you?” Tobirama asks, casting his mind back but failing to find a memory of being angry with Kagami. Kagami rarely bothers him; even Saru, who Tobirama taught to be more gracious than Tobirama himself, gets on Tobirama’s nerves at times.

Kagami shrugs; the motion presses his cold, wet shoulders against Tobirama’s. “I don't know, but I can't think of any other reason for why you've been avoiding me.”

Tobirama’s heart thunders in his ears as he swallows an inexplicable wave of dread. “I'm not angry with you.”

“I see.”

The request for Tobirama to explain- and it is a request- goes unspoken, but Tobirama hears it clearly.

He says nothing, and Kagami doesn't press.

Being disappointed in Tobirama is a common experience for the people around him. Inevitably, Tobirama won't be what they want. He won't give them what they want. Wanting more from Tobirama than he has is nearly a rite of passage for Senjus.

In Konoha, that privilege will likely extend to other clans.

Clearly, it extends to Kagami.

Wanting to be understood isn't a new feeling, but Tobirama has never felt the urge to explain himself like he feels now. It isn't enough for Kagami to know what he means; he wants Kagami to understand _because_ Tobirama explained.

This, like so many desires he's had, is futile.

Tobirama can't explain his behavior to Kagami because he can't explain it to himself. They've been working together closely the past few months, and he's been enjoyed it. Kagami is patient and thoughtful; more than anyone, even Tobirama's brother and his former students, he correctly anticipates the direction of Tobirama’s thoughts.

If Tobirama has to share his space with someone other than Hashirama, Kagami is the best option.

More than that, Tobirama likes having Kagami near.

He's never felt like this before. Calling Kagami over fills him with nervous energy and relief in equal measure. He doesn't like the feeling. It interferes with his thoughts and fills him with the pointless, almost cruel desire to keep calling Kagami to him regardless of whether Kagami is needed.

There's no reason for Tobirama’s mind to fixate on Kagami like it does.

What does it matter that Kagami is handsome? The world is full of handsome men; Tobirama has slept with enough of them to be sure of that.

Why does he care that Kagami is kind? It's admirable, but there are other kind men. Tobirama works with many of them and doesn't feel his heart clench.

What about Kagami makes him question things he's built his life on? He's been challenged before. It always falls flat. Tobirama is who he is; his mind is his, free of worldly thoughts.

Why is he so distracted by the hopeful looks Kagami gives him when Tobirama chooses him? No man has ever wanted that, and Tobirama has never wished one would. He has higher loyalties; nothing will take priority over his brother’s dream.

He’d made the mistake of mentioning it to Hashirama about it once. Concentrating is important in battle, and Tobirama’s attention had slipped in the middle of sparring with Hashirama. Instead of summoning a wall of water to defend himself, he’d shot himself in the face with a single, focused blast from the ground.

Hashirama had laughed, openly enjoying the sight of Tobirama sitting in the mud, but across the grounds, frozen where he'd been when Tobirama spotted him, Kagami had looked concerned.

“Thoughts elsewhere, Tobirama?” Hashirama had asked as he came over.

“Must be,” Tobirama had said, ignoring the hand Hashirama held out and getting up on his own. “I seem to be distracted lately.”

“Oh? What might be distracting you?”

“If I knew, I would have fixed it.”

Past Hashirama’s shoulder, Kagami had resumed his course, and without meaning to, Tobirama had followed him with his eyes.

“I think I’ve identified the cause,” Hashirama had crowed, drawing Tobirama’s attention back to him. “You’re interested in someone. I'd been so certain you'd never want anyone, but for your heart to want an Uchiha- isn't this good, Tobirama?”

“Don't.”

“What? Kagami is a bit younger than I would have thought, but he's, what, thirty now, isn't he? A little company would be good for you!”

“In what way? I’m not like you. Any ‘company’ of mine will die young or grow tired of me.”

Hashirama had looked at Tobirama as if his heart were breaking, and Tobirama had made a hasty escape before Hashirama could explain what hurt him so much.

Kagami exhales unevenly, and Tobirama bites his cheek.

The path to inner peace isn't through ignorance of the world but knowledge of it. Tobirama can't reject what he isn't letting himself see.

Hashirama’s suggestion, while teasing, isn't unfounded. If anyone would know if Tobirama wanted Kagami, Hashirama would.

Yet even if his brother is right, Tobirama doesn't have to want what he wants. Tobirama is approaching forty. He's been happy on his own. His work is fulfilling, and he doesn't want for anything. He doesn't want company. 

His life is exactly as it should be.

As if to prove him wrong, Kagami leans into him, and Tobirama’s heart rises in his throat, choking him with every beat.

“I haven't changed the hours when I work,” Tobirama says. It isn't a lie, but it isn't an answer either. “I haven't seen you.”

“You avert your eyes when you look in my direction, Tobirama-sama. I know when I'm unwanted.”

He ought to. He's the bastard child of an Uchiha and a member of another clan. Which clan is a mystery to Tobirama; Kagami hasn't seen fit to tell him and chasing rumors is beneath him. His Sharingan brought him respect from his clan and the village, but the pain that dyed his eyes red hasn't found purchase on his good nature.

Yet he is Uchiha Kagami. He is a tool like every other Uchiha.

Only a fool neglects his tools, and Tobirama isn't a fool.

“You aren't unwanted,” he corrects.

Kagami’s soft, “I see,” is thoughtful, but it feels like an accusation.

When, Tobirama wonders, did he become a coward?

“Do you have any commitments?”

“Commitments?” Kagami asks. “In the village?”

“Correct.” Swallowing around his accusing heart, Tobirama makes himself continue. “I have an experiment that would benefit from your help, and I’ve been putting it off waiting for you to return. If you don't have other plans, I’d like you to join me.”

Kagami doesn't answer for a long moment.

Tobirama lets him think.

His own thoughts drift until they make their way to Kagami.

The shivering has stopped. Tobirama could easily swing the scroll around and remove the spare cape.

Despite his creeping sense of guilt, he doesn't let go.

A destructive part of himself thinks about Kagami’s lips. They’re usually soft and pink, almost the color of his skin; they must still be cold. Tobirama could warm them up like he warmed up Kagami’s body. It would only take a tilt of his head.

Kagami sighs. “I told Hiruzen that I’d go drinking with him the next time we were in the village at the same time, but I haven't made any other commitments.”

A wise decision. Despite his size, Saru can hold his liquor nearly as well as Hashirama. If Danzō joins them, someone will get hurt.

“I'll remember to factor in a hangover,” Tobirama tells him. “You'll arrive some time in the evening, yes?””

Kagami nods. “I could get there earlier if you have some of that hangover remedy.”

“If you can get to the lab, I’ll make it for you,” Tobirama promises. He means it now despite his habit of lying about it to get Hashirama out of bed and into the office. “But I’m not coming to get you.”

“I wouldn't expect you to. I've always made it to you on my own, haven't I?”

Tobirama bites his tongue as he nods.

He doesn't tilt his head.

He doesn't rest his chin on the crown of Kagami’s head.

He doesn't think about how long it's been since he held someone; he doesn't think about how long it's been since someone held him.

He waits until Kagami stops shivering, then pulls out the scroll and unseals the cape.

Kagami says his thanks softly, and Tobirama lifts his eyes to the building where the diplomat is being wined and dined.

Tobirama is the brother of the hokage and, until Hashirama has children, first in line to be the head of the Senju clan. Hashirama relies on him to take care of the details of running the village. This mission is a waste of his time and talents.

But diplomacy is integral to establishing stability. An incident could spark a war, and Hashirama’s dream of peace would fall apart. 

Beside him, Kagami shakes his head. Tobirama glances over and finds Kagami also looking up. His hair is lying flat against his skull, but the ends are still curling.

Tobirama looks away.

This mission is a waste of his time, but it's a test of his beliefs as well. He claims to have moved beyond his attachment to carnal desires; thinking about kissing Kagami is a sign that he hasn't managed that.

He doesn't want anything as much as he wants to reach liberation through knowledge.

A droplet of water slides down Kagami’s face to his neck.

Knowledge, Tobirama reminds himself. He has no attachments to this world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama is misapplying a specific movement of Buddhism's beliefs, which is deliberate on my part because I think he'd unintentionally make that conflation
> 
> I promise there are more Kagami POV chapters! They're just taking longer


	6. Kagami, E

It's late, so late that no one is in the building except Tobirama and Kagami. There's no reason for Tobirama to try to muffle the noise he makes in his arm.

Kagami prefers to be gentle. Their work is violent; he wants to come back to himself by kissing Tobirama sweetly. He likes the sound Tobirama makes when Kagami works the tension out of his shoulders. He likes hearing Tobirama sigh softly as Kagami washes the blood off their skin. He likes lying on his back as they rock together slowly, trading lingering kisses because being together is more important than finishing.

He knows Tobirama likes that, too. He's felt Tobirama sigh Kagami's name against his skin, and he's felt the care Tobirama takes with him.

There are moments when Tobirama needs Kagami to be rough.

Bending the hokage’s brother, one of the most powerful ninjas in the world, over his desk is a strange privilege. Hearing the desperate, hopeful sound Tobirama makes when Kagami grabs him and knowing it’s a sound he only makes with Kagami is a rush; knowing he's making it because he's in pain dampens that rush.

Six ninjas are dead because of an error in judgment. It wasn't Tobirama’s error; the jōnin he put in charge was seasoned and respected. Even Madara had approved of the decision.

All six lives have ended, and Tobirama is being crushed by the weight.

Kagami doesn't hate being a little rough. He hates that this is the only way Tobirama will let himself be comforted.

Kagami’s fingers are slick with oil, and he rolled on one of the condoms he keeps in Tobirama’s desk. He's standing between Tobirama's spread legs, one hand working Tobirama open while the other keeps a bruising hold on Tobirama’s ass, holding him open.

Normally, Tobirama likes being praised. He won't admit it, but Kagami has known him for years and they've been intimate often enough Kagami can recognize the signs of Tobirama liking something.

Praise is the last thing Tobirama wants right now; as Kagami pushes his fingers into Tobirama hard enough to make him grunt, everything about Tobirama says that this is what he wants instead.

Kagami takes the time to be certain Tobirama won't get hurt but doesn't linger like he normally would. 

He slips his fingers out then lines up and presses in, careful in case Tobirama isn't as ready as his body feels.

The low moan that slips out of Tobirama’s open mouth isn't pained.

With Tobirama bent over his desk, the difference in their heights disappears.

Kagami presses both of his hands down on Tobirama's hips, holding him in place as Kagami sets a hard pace.

There will be bruises later, and they won't be small.

Ignoring the sound of the desk scraping across the floor, Kagami digs his fingers in deeper and snaps his hips.

Tobirama makes a desperate, needy sound each time Kagami pushes in, and Kagami has to fight the urge to tell him how good this feels. Kagami loves bottoming, but the way Tobirama pushes his ass up, the sounds he only makes when Kagami is giving him what he needs, the _feeling_ of fucking him…

It might be ambitious, but Kagami has a plan, one he's wanted to try for a while.

Tobirama’s body is sensitive. Even innocent touches can make his face turn red and his breath come fast.

More than anyone else Kagami has been with, Tobirama can get turned on without being touched. He just needs a thought to get hung up on.

“Tobirama, we’re going to try something.”

Tobirama makes a questioning noise around a moan.

“I want you to come without either of us touching you.”

Kagami doesn't explain; the ambiguity is the point. It's too tempting for Tobirama not to fixate on what it could mean.

Kagami doesn't go as hard or fast as he could, but he still makes Tobirama arch his back and scrabble at the smooth surface of his desk. 

Tobirama is breathtaking. He’s an imposing figure, a man made more of stone than flesh. Hashirama and Madara have gravity, but it's undercut by their personalities. Tobirama looms tall and cold; his sharp voice and short temper only makes him more godlike.

But in the end, he's just a man. The sharp mind that makes him so dangerous isn't immune to time. His heart can be stopped. The blood in his veins can be spilled.

They're ninjas; death walks among them like a friend.

Kagami is going to walk with it first. He already knows that, and he takes selfish comfort in knowing that he won't have to know what it's like to live in a world where he can never kiss Tobirama again.

Pausing with his hips pressed against Tobirama's ass, Kagami says, “Hey. I want to see you.”

That's the wrong wording.

“Tobirama,” he retries, “let me see you.”

Tobirama nods.

When Kagami pulls out, Tobirama turns around on his own. He sits down on the edge of the desk and spreads his legs.

Kagami touches the backs of his knees, and Tobirama draws them up, smoothly setting his hands on the desk behind him and resting his weight on them. He holds himself like that as Kagami takes in the way he's trembling. Tobirama doesn't tire easily, but Kagami can see the exhaustion creeping in as Tobirama struggles to keep his knees up.

Stepping closer, Kagami lays his hands on Tobirama’s hips, steadying him. 

“Hold your legs up for me.”

Tobirama takes his hands off the desk and curls them around the backs of his thighs.

“Stay like that until I say you can let go.”

Tobirama nods.

He's being so agreeable that Kagami can't help the urge to steal a kiss.

When he leans back, Kagami pauses and runs his eyes over Tobirama. He's flushed red, sweaty, and breathing fast. His cock is hard, and Kagami wants to put his mouth on it so much he has to bite his cheek. 

If his experiment doesn't work, he's going to hold Tobirama down and blow him until Tobirama can't think.

Kagami pulls him closer, bringing Tobirama’s ass to the edge of the desk.

Tobirama opens his legs a little wider.

Kagami bites his cheek harder.

The sound Tobirama makes when Kagami pushes back in is deep and needy. He lets his head tilt back, and despite a pang of concern, Kagami brings him closer with a firm tug.

The new position is novel, the type Kagami had assumed only belonged in woodcuts and the magazines Danzō always knows how to get, but as Tobirama’s eyes fly open and another needy sound escapes, Kagami doesn't feel like this is a novelty.

It feels like something he wants to do a hundred times. A thousand times. So many times he loses track.

Despite the redness in his face, Tobirama doesn't close his eyes or glance away when Kagami pulls back then drives his hips forward.

Everything is intense with Tobirama, but the way he watches Kagami when they're having sex feels so charged that something in Kagami twists in the best way. Being allowed to watch Tobirama’s expression shift with every movement- seeing Tobirama, who hides his desires so deep even he can't name them, openly want him- is more intimate than anything Kagami did with anyone else.

Kagami should be thinking about how to make sure he's fucking Tobirama the right way to make him come untouched, but he’s so caught up in the look on Tobirama’s face that he forgets he said anything until Tobirama moans and Kagami feels him come.

Tobirama quivers, his breath coming fast and shallow, but doesn't look away, and between the look and the proof that Tobirama liked this so much he came just from Kagami fucking him, Kagami comes, too.

He slumps forward onto Tobirama and lays his forehead on Tobirama's shoulder. They're both so sweaty that it slips, and Kagami doesn't fight his laugh.

“Something funny?” Tobirama asks.

It's a relief to hear his voice; this is the first time he's spoken since Kagami found him.

Brushing a kiss to Tobirama's sternum, Kagami says, “Nothing worth mentioning.”

Tobirama hums, neither accepting Kagami’s answer nor rejecting it, and Kagami’s chest grows tight with how much he loves this man.

He loves Tobirama so much, it takes him a long moment to realize why Tobirama hasn't relaxed.

“You can put your legs down,” Kagami tells him, pulling out as gently as he can to give Tobirama room to lower legs. “You could have done that already.”

“That isn't what you wanted.”

Tobirama says it so simply, Kagami's chest aches.

Romance doesn't come easily to Tobirama. He tries sometimes, usually when Hashirama gets in his head by talking about how unromantic Tobirama is, but his efforts to be more demonstrative feel as forced to Kagami as they do to him.

Tobirama is romantic in ways like this. It's a given that he wants to do what Kagami wants. He learned Kagami’s favorite foods and how to cook them. There's a blanket and a futon in his office so Kagami can nap while he waits for Tobirama to finish working.

Tobirama chooses to make room for Kagami, and when they curl up together at night, Kagami feels so loved it hurts.

He still prefers the sex they have where they're happy, but as he removes the condom and ties it off, he doesn't have any complaints. Tobirama got what he needed, and he trusted Kagami to give it to him.

Pleased with himself, Kagami tosses the condom into the trash. When he looks back, Tobirama has moved so he's sitting fully on the desk. His eyebrows are knitted together, his eyes on the floor. He's obviously unhappy about something, but Kagami lets himself really take in the sight of him before asking.

Tobirama is easily one of the most handsome men Kagami has ever seen. All Senjus are beautiful, but he and Hashirama stand out even among them.

When they're drawn without color, only the shape of their features captured, the brothers look shockingly similar. It shouldn't have been so surprising; they're brothers, after all. Yet everyone had been taken aback by the revelation that the clearest differences are Tobirama’s wavy hair and Hashirama’s more generous mouth.

Kagami leans in and kisses the wrinkle between Tobirama's eyebrows before laying his hands on Tobirama's thighs. They're still muscular from the running he makes time for every day, but he spends too much time working to be as lean as he used to be.

It's a good look. Eating well and sleeping through the night suit him.

Tracing the rise of the muscle that crosses the front of Tobirama's thigh, Kagami leans back again so he can see Tobirama's face. “Is something wrong?”

“Hashirama will know,” Tobirama tells him, sounding exasperated already. “If he doesn't notice the marks on the floor, he’ll figure out that the desk is in a different place.”

“You think he's going to make fun of you.”

“I know he is.” Tobirama tilts his head for a proper kiss. “He's going to want to tell you how incredible you are.”

Kagami kisses him. “Incredibly lucky, maybe.”

“That will only encourage him.” Tobirama clears his throat. “You need to be firm with Hashirama or he’ll never stop.”

“Who does that remind me of?”

Tobirama huffs. “I'm not that bad.”

“No, you might be worse.” Kagami bumps their foreheads together. “I love you.”

As he has in the past, Tobirama tenses, so Kagami kisses him again.

“I don't tell you because I expect you to say it back. I just want you to know.”

He pulls back, and Tobirama shuts his eyes.

It's as close to refusing to meet Kagami’s eyes as Tobirama’s pride will let him get, and Kagami has to bite his tongue. If he doesn't, he’ll tell Tobirama something that would hurt him.

Rather than point out that Kagami is going to love him forever, Kagami lays his hands on Tobirama’s shoulders and kisses Tobirama's forehead again.

Wrapping his arms around Kagami’s waist, Tobirama pulls him into a hug. 

“Come back with me.”

“I have to leave early tomorrow,” Kagami reminds him.

“And I have to corner the head of your clan into helping me with legislation on inter-clan marriages, which will take all day.”

That's a mild way of saying that Hashirama is going to be busy all day, so Tobirama won't be able to use his brother as bait for Madara.

It's embarrassing that the head of Kagami’s clan is this transparent, but if Tobirama can go home and rest at a reasonable hour because Madara can't stay away from the hokage, Kagami can be grateful for it.

Besides, Hashirama is just as bad. Tobirama uses Madara as a bribe for his brother as often as he lures Madara with Hashirama.

“Then I don't see why we can't go home together,” Kagami tells him. “I still have spare clothes there, right?”

“A spare uniform and flak jacket, yes. I can't speak to the rest.”

Kagami sighs. “The rest” is underwear, which he doesn't want to go without. “I can always borrow a pair of yours, right?”

“If you want to risk them falling down,” Tobirama says mildly. He drops his hands to Kagami’s hips. “We're close in size but not close enough. You do remember when I tried to borrow a pair from you, don't you?”

“How could I forget? You ripped them the first time you bent over.”

“I did warn you that they were tight.”

Kagami doesn't fight the laugh that bubbles up, and Tobirama kisses him before he's stopped.

“Back to your place, then,” Kagami decides. “Right after we get dressed.

Tobirama nods but doesn't let go.

He's sweaty from having sex, his clothes are strewn around the room from Kagami throwing them, and the longer they wait, the less sleep they'll get.

Kagami doesn't want to let go either, so he leans into Tobirama, content to stay like this until they get cold.

As long as he has Tobirama, Kagami is happy.


	7. Tobirama, Hashirama, Kagami; T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When adolescentlycan suggested that I write about Hashirama lecturing Tobirama about his relationship with Kagami, I thought I'd wind up writing something angsty in the beginning but cute by the end. What I actually wrote was a lot of angst with a touch of comfort
> 
> Oops! 😅
> 
> And I love Madara being Kagami's surrogate parent/mentor, so I did steal that from [ Wild Roses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26436319/chapters/64407292)

“Tea?” Tobirama asks, peering at the tray in his brother’s hands. He can smell the bitter aroma of the blend he drinks on the rare days he has time to unwind on his own before going to bed. “When you said we should drink together, I assumed you meant sake.”

Hashirama laughs as he lowers himself down onto the engawa beside Tobirama. “I do drink other things, Tobirama.”

“I’m aware of that.”

Suspiciously cheerful, Hashirama merely hands him a cup then lifts his own.

“Today was a good day, wasn't it?”

Tobirama nods; humoring Hashirama works better than telling him to hurry up. “We got a great deal of work done.”

“That's true, but we aren't anywhere near finished, are we? Konoha is continuing to grow. The clans are getting along well. With Madara's help, even the Uchihas have begun making friends with the other clans.”

“Kicking and screaming the entire time, but yes, they've managed to begin to integrate.”

“Tobirama,” Hashirama says, a warning note in his voice.

“Am I wrong? They're too concerned with their own well-being, brother. Even you must see it. The Curse of Hatred-”

“Is not absolute. If they aren't isolated, there's no reason to assume their love will become hate.”

Tobirama shrugs and takes a sip from his cup. He was right about the blend. It's stronger than Hashirama will tolerate on his own; he doesn't even keep any in his home.

“Do you really hate them?” Hashirama asks, relenting.

“I don't.”

“You act like you do.”

“I act like someone who can't turn my back on generations of killing for the sake of one childhood friend,” Tobirama corrects. “They're as wary of me as I am of them.”

Hashirama takes another sip as he digests that.

“Perhaps if you showed some inclination toward fairness, they wouldn't be so wary.”

“Perhaps they wouldn't feel wary of me if they didn't know that my wariness of them is warranted.”

Tobirama feels the surge in his brother’s chakra as Hashirama’s temper flares. It dies down quickly, but he can't pretend it didn't happen.

Hashirama’s voice is hard when he asks, “I know you're just being contrary, but this isn't helping. Will you ever stop antagonizing them, Tobirama? Can’t you allow them some peace? They're trying. They're putting their trust in you.”

“Are they?” Tobirama takes another sip of tea. “They have an interesting way of showing it.”

Madara spat at him last week; Hashirama already knows this.

“As interesting as your way of fostering ties?” Hashirama counters, temper rising again.

He's too worked up to back down, but Tobirama can see that this isn't the way he meant for this conversation to go.

That's Hashirama's problem. He's too good with people- a blatant manipulator, yes, but one who seems so open that his manipulations are forgiven. 

Tobirama grew up watching this; his brother’s earnestness isn't nearly as effective on him as it is on other people. Hashirama isn't a benevolent god. He's a pushy man whose idea of compromise is getting what he wants and everyone else being happy with it.

Madara, like Tobirama, can see through him.

If Hashirama actually knew what he was doing, he wouldn't have been so sloppy, but that's the problem with power. You can't know where it ends until it does.

“You're talking about Kagami, aren't you?” Tobirama asks.

Hashirama nods. “You aren't denying it?”

“Is there a point? Everyone else has made up their minds. I doubt you haven't.”

Hashirama looks at him like he's never seen Tobirama before. “I’ve had to talk down members of our own clan. They don't like what they're hearing.”

There are too many unspoken accusations in that to count, and Tobirama draws a long, deep breath in. He's been working on his temper, and this seems to help.

It was Kagami's suggestion, a trick he learned when he was younger to keep his Sharingan from activating when he didn't need it.

“What do you want from me, Hashirama?” Tobirama asks.

Hashirama meets his eyes steadily. “The entire village is on edge because it seems like one of its Senju founders is playing with the heart of a much younger Uchiha. I need to know what you're doing.”

When Tobirama was a child, he decided he would do whatever it took to make Hashirama happy. Even if it meant hurting his brother for the moment, Tobirama would make him happier in the long term.

Tobirama loves his brother more than he loves anyone. He loves Hashirama more than he loved their parents and their other brothers. He loves Hashirama more than he loves peace. He loves Hashirama so much that he kept his promise to do things for Hashirama even when his brother gets angry at him for doing them.

But loving Hashirama doesn't make him perfect. 

There are moments, like this one, when Hashirama hurts him and cares more about making his point than showing Tobirama the kindness he shares with everyone else.

Tobirama stopped being surprised by his brother's lack of faith in him years ago, but as hard as he tries, he can't stop being hurt by it.

He takes another deep breath before he says, “I can't account for rumors I didn't spread.”

“You're saying you don't have anything to do with Kagami?”

“I'm not. He's my subordinate and a good man.”

“So you like him.”

“Of course I do. He’s a model shinobi; he puts the well-being of the village ahead of his loyalty to his family. I wish that all members of his clan could do that.”

Hashirama narrows his eyes, and Tobirama’s own temper flares.

“You don't believe me, do you?”

“I’m the hokage. I have to be careful. You of all people should understand that.”

A slap would have been kinder.

“I do understand it. You think I'm so reckless that I would endanger the entire village just to fuck someone. And why? To hurt his clan?” Shame and anger make Tobirama's blood pound in his ears. “I'm not taking advantage of Kagami. I've never touched him.”

“You haven't yet, but you want to, don't you, Tobirama? I know what you look like when you want something.” Hashirama tilts his head, forehead wrinkling. “It's been a long time since I’ve seen it, but I do remember the look.”

It hasn't been a long time. Tobirama has always wanted things, but he's a good Buddhist. Unlike Hashirama, who won't let go of Madara, Tobirama can abstain until he learns that he didn't want something that much to begin with.

Hashirama has never had to deny himself.

Gritting his teeth, Tobirama reminds himself that he doesn't have anything to be ashamed of. “If you know I’ve wanted things, then you also know I’ve given up on all of them. You can relax. I’m keeping my hands to myself, and I’ll continue to do so. The village you built for Madara won't fall because of me.”

Hashirama's expression grows thunderous. “That's out of line, Tobirama.”

“Is it? What would be out of line for Madara, brother? He’s stirring discontent and threatening to tear Konoha apart, but I can't recall you talking to him like this.”

“Madara and I have conversations you aren't part of.”

“I know you do. I also know that you report back to him every word of ours. How much of your talks with Madara do you share with me? Somehow, I don't think it's the same amount.” Mood soured, Tobirama sets down his cup. “It's so easy for you to assume the worst of me. I wonder when that became the case.”

Hashirama looks at him with the same soft expression he uses on Madara.

It sets Tobirama’s teeth on edge.

“Thank you for the tea,” he says shortly. “If you really think I’m playing with Kagami, do something about it. Otherwise, I have work to do.”

Hashirama doesn't say anything, and Tobirama gets to his feet, face burning with shame at the accusation Hashirama doesn't have the courage to make. Hashirama can think little of Tobirama, but he’ll only admit it with other people’s words.

Tobirama clenches his jaw as he passes his brother on the way out. He set shame aside years ago so he could do the things Hashirama’s big heart couldn't live with.

It's cruel for Hashirama to resurrect it like this.

* * *

Hashirama follows Tobirama to the training area, careful to keep his chakra hidden. It's difficult to dampen it all, but even caught up in his own anger, Tobirama will notice Hashirama’s chakra if it isn't suppressed.

Guilt comes more easily to Hashirama now. Without the dire stakes of planning war every day and convincing Madara to make peace, he has time to think.

If he'd guessed before Konoha was founded which person he'd failed the most, he would have said his mother. Hashirama was supposed to protect his brothers, but two of the three are lying in unmarked graves. Yet Hashirama still lives.

In this new time of nascent peace, he's been forced to see that he didn't only fail Kawarama and Itama. His other brother is suffering needlessly, and Hashirama hadn't noticed. The cracks in Tobirama’s Buddhist rejection of attachments have begun to show. As with all things with Tobirama, they're backwards; that's the only reason it took so long for Hashirama to notice.

Tobirama won't make attachments. He hasn't found a place of transcendence where attachments no longer chain him to this world; he’s beating any possibility of growing attached to anyone away with a stick. He even pushes Hashirama away. All the love Hashirama tries to give him meets an angry, unyielding force.

When Hashirama wasn't looking, Tobirama grew bitter. But he isn't dead. Hashirama can still make things right with him.

If only Tobirama would let him.

Of all the people in the world, Tobirama is the only one Hashirama has never been able to sway. All the arguments he makes, all his pleas, fail to cross the choppy waters around Tobirama’s heart. If they don't drown in them, they only agitate the water further.

The only way Hashirama can reason with Tobirama is by being unreasonable. If he pushes hard enough, says enough wrong things, Tobirama will corner himself and admit what the problem is. Once he's forced to do that, he’ll see what's wrong and fix it.

He's supposed to see what's wrong and fix it, but this time, instead of arguing until Hashirama made him argue with himself, he just got up and walked away.

Tobirama reminds him so much of their mother sometimes that Hashirama wants to shake him. She was a Buddhist, not Butsuma. She used to set out the seven bowls of water every morning and clean them each night, just as Tobirama does now. She was the reason Tobirama was born with a tuft of soft, blond hair.

Making peace with Madara required his attention, but Hashirama should have seen the turn Tobirama’s thoughts had taken. He should have known that without their mother holding Tobirama’s hand, Tobirama would become like their father. He should have known that without her, Tobirama needed him to hold his hand.

If Hashirama had seen that, he would have done it. He would have embarrassed his brother and held his hand tight every day.

But Hashirama didn't see it, and now, Tobirama is grabbing onto the first person to touch his hands since their mother.

Hashirama rubs his forehead.

Tobirama tosses a series of kunai up into the air, then disappears.

Hashirama leans against a tree and watches as Tobirama reappears and disappears, catching blade after blade, moving with each hiraishin mark until he plucks the last one out of the air.

Then he closes his eyes, throws them in random directions, and begins again.

It's been a long time since they trained together; Hashirama had forgotten how quick Tobirama is. When they were at war, Hashirama had been too busy with Madara to notice what his brother was doing.

Tobirama taught him how to use it, and Hashirama can do it, if he needs to. But hiraishin will never be something Hashirama uses except as a last resort.

It requires far more concentration and speed than any other technique. It would be a powerful tool for Konoha’s ninjas to have en masse, but to make it work effectively, the user has to be able to switch priorities and adjust rapidly. For most ninjas, the moment they need to adjust to the new orientation of the world lasts too long; in a real battle, they'd get cut down in a heartbeat.

Only someone like Tobirama whose focus is absolute could use hiraishin so well, but that unwavering focus is what gets him into trouble. He can't see the bigger picture because his attention is on the past.

He won't change on his own, and as he finally pauses to catch his breath, Hashirama braces himself for the rest of their argument. 

Before he can make himself known, someone else appears

“You're practicing with hiraishin?” Kagami asks. “I thought you were working on a new type of clone.”

Watching the rapid changes of Tobirama’s expression from exhaustion to joy to shame to blankness hurts, but Hashirama has to consider the stability of the entire village. In this case, Tobirama’s feelings are too dangerous. If he or Kagami got hurt, it could potentially destroy Konoha and return their clans, if not all clans, to their pre-village state.

Even Hashirama’s little brother has to come second to that.

 _Especially_ Hashirama’s little brother.

Tobirama shakes his head. “Using hiraishin helps me think more clearly.”

“If that were true, you would have noticed me at least five minutes ago. You wouldn't be having trouble focusing on me either, or are you going to pretend you're looking over my shoulder because you prefer that view?”

Hashirama blinks. Since when has using hiraishin bothered Tobirama? That's what Kagami is implying, isn't it?

“I shouldn't have told you that,” Tobirama says. There's no bite to the words, only weariness.

Kagami shakes his head. “Yes, you should have. I would have continued thinking you hated me if you hadn't explained that you were just having trouble seeing after using hiraishin so much in one battle. You're having trouble standing after all that, too. It's a draining technique.”

More truth Tobirama has been hiding, unless he's lying to Kagami. Neither makes sense.

“Perhaps thinking I hated you would have been better.” Tobirama lets out a long breath. “You wouldn’t have visited me when that mission ended, and we both would be better off.”

“Would we?” Kagami asks. “I'm happier now that we’re friends.”

Tobirama closes his eyes. “Friends… It's been a long time since I had a friend. I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them.”

Neither of them says anything for so long that Hashirama gets nervous.

Eventually, Kagami asks, “The hokage spoke to you, didn't he?”

“For the first time in more than a week.” Tobirama opens his eyes. “You got a similar rebuke, I assume.”

Kagami tilts his head, considering. “Hikaku spoke to me, yes. He was concerned about you pressuring me into a relationship.”

“A valid concern to have.”

“It is, which is why I didn't mind talking with him until he was reassured that you and I truly are friends. We discussed your position in the village, the potential disaster of a falling out, the difference in our ages- that was an accidental attack on me, though.” Kagami’s voice is light as he says, “Before I convinced him that our relationship is platonic, he suggested I won't love you so much when you can't blow my back out anymore.”

It's been a long time since Hashirama saw Tobirama blush, but that must be the reason Tobirama’s face turns red.

Kagami shakes his head. “I haven't even kissed you, yet the man second only to Madara in my clan felt compelled to call me to his home to discuss my carnal desires for forbidden Senju flesh."

“That isn't the order things have to go in,” Tobirama tells him, ignoring Kagami’s joke.

“It's the order I want them to go in with you. As much as I want to have sex with you-” Tobirama clears his throat “-I want to kiss you first. I want to spend time with you without a chaperone. I want to walk with you and hold your hand. I want to sit next to you while you work and kiss you when it's time to stop.

“I want to make you feel loved, Tobirama. _Then_ I want you to fuck me so hard I’m too sore to leave our bed.”

Hashirama watches in surprise as Tobirama looks away.

Has Tobirama ever done that before?

“There are things I have thought about as well,” Tobirama admits as he looks back at Kagami, “but they're out of my reach, as are yours."

“So this is it?” Kagami asks. “This is all I can have of you? The same thing every other person in your life can have?”

He's walking the line between hopeful and pushy, but Tobirama, who hates being pushed, allows it. 

“It is.”

“I can't kiss you even once?”

“The sooner you accept that this is impossible, the sooner the attachment will break.” Tobirama sighs. “The hokage will be here soon; I’m sure he thinks our argument wasn't finished. It would be better if we aren't together when he finds me.”

Kagami tilts his head, expression thoughtful. “Then you should go home.”

“Excuse me?” Tobirama asks.

Hashirama fights his own sigh. He could have told Kagami that saying that would make Tobirama bristle. He’ll dig his heels in even harder now.

“Hiraishin wasn't meant to be used the way you just did,” Kagami says evenly. “You’ll feel better if you go home and eat something before you talk to the hokage.”

Tobirama doesn't argue.

Tobirama, who won't listen to even the most gently couched of Hashirama’s requests, doesn't balk at Kagami’s order. He merely nods.

“I'll see you,” Kagami says. 

“It would be better if you didn't,” Tobirama answers, “but we live in the same village, so I’m sure you will.”

He glances away again, brow furrowing, then back at Kagami.

“Have a good night, Kagami-san.”

“Goodnight, Tobirama-sama.”

Hashirama watches Kagami watch Tobirama use hiraishin one final time.

Giving Tobirama a few minutes to eat couldn't hurt. It would give time for Hashirama to find a bottle of the sake he knows Tobirama enjoys and-

“Can we talk, Hokage-sama?” Kagami turns and looks directly at him. “I'm sorry for not acknowledging you earlier, but I was concerned that your brother wouldn’t be as forthcoming if he knew you were listening.”

Caught, Hashirama makes his way over to Kagami.

He expects an argument and is ready for it.

He isn't ready for what Kagami actually says.

“I love him.”

Hashirama stares. “You what?”

“I’m in love with your brother.” Kagami meets Hashirama’s eyes steadily. “I'm thirty-one. I've had crushes and serious relationships. I nearly got married once, but I couldn't go through with it because I knew I loved Tobirama more.

“People are already speculating. I’ve never been to his home, yet my own friends think he has me on my back every day. Any damage to our reputations has been done. I'm not an important member of my clan. What good is this doing?”

He's remarkably logical, but, Hashirama reasons, that's the only way Kagami could have convinced Tobirama not to dismiss him out of hand.

“The difference in your statuses isn't nothing,” Hashirama replies, equally logical.

“And? As I said, people already assume he's taking advantage, and you and I both know he isn't.”

Hashirama hesitates.

The horror on Kagami’s face is worse than anger. “Did he do something I don't know about?”

“Of course not!” Hashirama draws a deep breath. “No, he's never done anything. Tobirama has never had any kind of relationship, which is why I’m concerned.”

Horror gives way to confusion. “He's what?”

“He's _nearly_ had some relationships over the years. He may have even thought they were relationships, but if he told you otherwise, he was misunderstanding.”

“I'm not sure how you misunderstand fucking someone.”

Hashirama blinks. “Huh?”

“Tobirama and a Hyūga man were together for a while last year. We all knew.” Kagami tilts his head, frown deepening. “Did you really not notice? They got into it constantly toward the end.”

Pieces Hashirama hadn't thought to put together suddenly click into place.

“That's what those were?” he asks faintly. “They were having couple fights?”

Kagami nods. “He and I haven't talked about it, but I know he had something serious with a ninja from Kumo, too. It must have lasted a while, at least a few years. They get drinks every time they're in the same village.”

Hashirama’s world quietly tilts. He'd always assumed that Tobirama wasn't interested in sex or romance. The random disappearances and occasional disheveled look had seemed like indications of Tobirama working hard one one of his projects.

His brother likes to keep secrets. Hashirama had never thought this would be one of them.

Kagami studies him, forehead wrinkling. “I understand your concern, Hokage-sama, but is it so much riskier for us to want each other than it is for you to want Madara?”

“That's different,” Hashirama says without thinking. “Madara and I aren't comparable to this.”

“Perhaps not in terms of the relationship itself, but yours isn't that much safer than what ours could be, is it?” Kagami’s fists clench. “I just want to hold his hand.”

Hashirama lets out a long breath. Madara could help him solve this, but Madara is part of the reason why this is a problem in the first place.

“It just isn't that simple.”

“Because I’m an Uchiha.”

“Because you're an Uchiha,” Hashirama agrees.

Kagami’s jaw flexes, but he doesn't argue.

That makes it worse.

Even now, in the village Hashirama built, conflict endures.

“You should have more faith in Tobirama,” Kagami says, abruptly changing the subject. “He’s only being difficult because he's scared.”

“I've told him the Uchihas aren't-”

“Tobirama’s thoughts about my clan aren't the real problem. They're a symptom.” Kagami lays his hands on his hips. “He's afraid of us because our tendency to self-destruct is the greatest threat to what he cares about most- your happiness.

“With respect, Tobirama’s real problem is that he doesn't know who he is or what he wants outside of your dream, and you let him get this way.”

Hashirama raises his eyebrows. “It's difficult to find respect in that.”

“It's difficult to respect someone who doesn't treasure his family.” Kagami’s anger evaporates. “I wasn't always an only child, Hokage-sama.”

Few of them were.

Kagami doesn't let Hashirama try to come up with the right words of condolence. “Isn't peace supposed to be for our families? What peace does Tobirama know?”

Hashirama draws himself up without meaning to. He and Tobirama don't see eye to eye, but he would never let his brother suffer needlessly, not even for Konoha. “I can take care of my brother. I won't have peace for myself and neglect him.”

“That's part of the problem, isn't it? I don't think you've found peace for yourself either.”

Belatedly, it occurs to Hashirama that Kagami is a ward of Madara’s, a de facto son Madara took in until he was old enough to take care of himself.

There's something of Madara in the way Kagami is pushing him.

“What makes you say that?” Hashirama asks.

“Madara,” Kagami says. “As long as he's unhappy, you will be, too.”

The difference between them is that where Madara would yell or scold, Kagami simply says his piece and waits.

Hashirama tries and fails to find an adequate response.

Kagami's expression softens. “Can I give you some advice, Hokage-sama?”

Hashirama nods. He may as well.

“Madara has always been unstable, but he's always been open, too. Even when he was mourning Izuna and too hurt to sleep, none of us was afraid of him because we understood what he was thinking.”

“But you don't anymore?”

“We don't. I've seen Uchihas be driven mad with grief, but it doesn't look like this. He's keeping secrets. Trying to get others to reject the peace he was so happy we have in favor of buying into a war we don't want. Hiding away from the rest of us. That isn't like him; you know that. Whatever’s going on with him, it's unnatural.”

Hashirama studies Kagami for a long moment.

It's understandable that Tobirama would be drawn to him. Tobirama has always gravitated toward challenges, most often forbidden ones. He likes to learn more than he likes to think.

“I'll look into it,” Hashirama promises.

“Please do more than that.” Kagami shakes his head. “Something bad is coming, and you're the only one who can stop it. Madara won't listen to anyone else.”

Earnest, Hashirama thinks. That would be a good match for Tobirama’s stiffness.

“I’ll look after him. Thank you, Kagami.”

“It isn't entirely unselfish. I like living in a village, and I don't want to see my clan get hurt. There are finally children who've never cut their fingers on blades. I want that to continue. I want Madara to be happy."

Kagami gives him a crooked smile, and Hashirama finds himself smiling back.

“I should get going. I promised I’d have dinner with Madara tonight. Tobirama and I can argue tomorrow.”

“I understand. Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

Kagami leaves without another word.

Hashirama pretends he doesn't know where Kagami is going.

* * *

There's something compelling about Tobirama. He's forbidding, and Kagami is certain there's no heart of gold at the center.

But there _is_ a heart.

Kagami taps on the shōji.

Tobirama doesn't answer.

“Are you already avoiding me, Tobirama-sama?” Kagami asks. “Or can I have a little time with you first? I’ll get a chaperone if you want.”

He waits- patience is key with Tobirama- and eventually, Tobirama calls him in.

The light is low, but Kagami can make out the shape of Tobirama sitting on the floor, perched on his favorite pillow.

“Thank you,” Kagami tells him, seating himself on the pillow closest to Tobirama. There's an arm’s length between them, but they're closer than anyone else seems to get to Tobirama. Even Hashirama tends to drift away sooner than later.

Kagami wants to get so close he can climb into Tobirama’s heart. He wants to stay there, wrapped in Tobirama, for the rest of his life.

“I don't know why you're prolonging this when you could make a clean split,” Tobirama says.

The darkness makes the room feel more intimate. Tobirama’s voice is deep; when he isn't angry, it's a low, inviting rumble. Uchihas have always gravitated towards cats, and Kagami is no exception. Listening to Tobirama when he's in a good mood is like listening to a purring bobtail. The cats are friendlier, but having to earn one of Tobirama’s rare smiles only makes it sweeter.

Kagami doesn't know how Tobirama’s voice feels when it's rumbling from his chest into Kagami’s, but he knows it would be even nicer than holding one of his clan’s purring cats.

Setting aside the old, familiar fantasy of cuddling up with Tobirama, Kagami points out, “You could have said no.”

“That's true.”

There's nothing more to say, and they both know it. Even this much was redundant. Tobirama would never disobey Hashirama for the sake of romance, and Kagami would never ask him to.

What does that leave them with?

“I told Hashirama about Madara,” Kagami says. “He might be able to put together what's going on and fix it.”

Tobirama nods but doesn't reply.

There's even less than nothing to say. Kagami should leave.

Instead, he reaches arm’s length forward.

Tobirama catches his hand and stops it in the middle.

“Be careful, Kagami.”

“Can we once?” Kagami asks. “Just so I know.”

Tobirama doesn't answer, but when Kagami reaches harder, he doesn't fight.

He doesn't turn away when Kagami shuffles over.

“If you don't want me to, I won't,” Kagami promises.

Tobirama doesn't break his silence, and Kagami deflates. It's one thing for Tobirama to need a nudge to admit he wants something; it's another for Kagami to push his own desires onto him.

A kiss is no good if it's just Kagami taking what he wants.

He offers Tobirama a smile as he backs away. “Sorry, Tobirama. I understand. Maybe someday in the future.”

Tobirama tugs on Kagami’s hand hard enough that Kagami tilts forward.

The kiss is soft, but the second, which chases Kagami’s gasp of Tobirama’s name, is harder. Tobirama drops Kagami’s hand to cradle his face, and Kagami pushes his hands through Tobirama’s hair.

It's softer and finer than he'd imagined, almost like putting his hands in a river and feeling the water flow around his fingers.

Kagami pulls Tobirama closer, and Tobirama lets himself be pulled.

If they weren't the Senju hokage's brother and an Uchiha, this could be the beginning of what they both want.

Instead, it's a moment of weakness Kagami can feel Tobirama already hating himself for as they separate.

Kagami forces himself to let go. “Thank you, Tobirama. And I'm sorry.”

“I should be the one apologizing,” Tobirama argues.

Tobirama doesn't apologize. He doesn't say it when he's caught making a mistake, and he doesn't actually say it this time.

His stubbornness is one of his worst qualities, and this time, Kagami is grateful for it.

The tension in Kagami’s chest breaks with a laugh.

“We’ll have more than this,” he promises. “Hashirama will figure out what's going on with Madara, and when he does, the village will stabilize. Then I'll come back for more of you.”

“That may not happen. It's entirely possible that my brother will fail or your feelings will change. Don't deny yourself happiness with someone else out of stubbornness.”

“Only if you promise to do the same.”

Tobirama’s unusual eyes don't glow like the Sharingan, but they catch the light in a way that makes Tobirama look more like the figure of warning Kagami grew up hearing stories of.

A man with eyes like a failed Sharingan that somehow see through the thickest mist, who is only traceable by a single, sudden shift of chakra like a crack of lightning.

Kagami was taught to fear the head of the Senjus for his strength but to remember that the true threat to the Uchihas was the younger brother. Hashirama wanted to make peace; Tobirama would build it for him on the bones of their clan if he had to.

Kagami licks his lips, and for a moment, Tobirama's eyes drop to follow the motion.

“Goodnight, Kagami,” Tobirama says, looking back up.

It's a dismissal, but Kagami will be back. If he has to wrestle Madara to the ground himself, Kagami won't let the head of his clan break the fragile peace in Konoha.

It's the Will of Fire that’s begun to bind them together, after all, and no clan is more comfortable with fire than Uchihas.

Kagami gets to his feet. “Goodnight, Tobirama.”

He doesn't tell Tobirama that he’ll be back. They both know he will be.

There's a spot in that room where sunlight streams in; one day, he and Tobirama will curl up together in it and Kagami will feel the happy purr of the man he loves.


	8. Tobirama, M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: discussion of and references to honeypot missions and related work, ninjas taking jobs in which they perform sex work, and the inherent dubiousness of their consent in those situations; attitudes about sex that aren't healthy
> 
> Less abstractly: Kagami and Tobirama are in a relationship, Kagami returns from a mission where he feigned a relationship with someone else, and Kagami is insecure about whether Tobirama still wants him. Tobirama does

“What's with the face?”

Tobirama doesn't look up. “I don't know what you're talking about. This is my regular face.”

Izuna snorts. “No, it's the face you make when you're miserable.”

“You've made me more miserable than anyone else, so I suppose it's natural that you'd recognize the expression if I were making it.”

“Which I'm telling you that you are.” Izuna kicks the front of Tobirama’s desk. “Kagami got back, didn't he?”

“I don't see how that matters.”

“Did he get hurt?”

Fighting the urge to throw his brush at Izuna, Tobirama asks, “How would I know? I can only identify someone’s overall sense of well-being. I can't know something so specific.”

Izuna kicks the desk again, harder this time.

“Go see him.”

“There's no need-”

Eyes locked with Tobirama’s, Izuna knocks Tobirama's scroll to the floor. “Oops. Now you can't work. You may as well go check on my cousin.”

Knowing a lost battle when he's been dragged into one, Tobirama sighs and gets to his feet. “I expect you to have tidied up and redone what you just ruined by the time I get back.”

“Yeah, yeah. Get going.”

Tobirama shakes his head but uses hiraishin to escape.

He follows the hum of Kagami's mark to Kagami’s bedroom.

Tobirama hasn't spent much time here. Kagami has roommates, which cuts into their privacy, as well as the time they can spend together uninterrupted. Tobirama has his own home. Connected though it is to his brother's, there's ample silence and Hashirama learned years ago not to interrupt Tobirama without warning.

Spending time together in Tobirama's home instead of Kagami’s corner of his apartment is a mutually agreeable result with Kagami’s roommates.

“They aren't sure how to behave around you,” Kagami had explained after his friends scrambled away, his lips quirked in a smile.

As far as Tobirama is concerned, that's their burden to bear.

Despite the inconveniences, he's been in Kagami's bedroom often enough to recognize it. It's tidy, everything organized logically; the major derivations from the standard furnishings are the soft, thick blanket on his single bed and the full-length mirror next to the small closet.

The room is small, so when Tobirama appears next to him, Kagami’s startled jump nearly sends him crashing into his dresser. “Tobirama-san! Do we have plans?”

Usually, Kagami brightens when he spots Tobirama, and his chakra hums happily.

This time, his chakra only grows unsettled.

He doesn't meet Tobirama’s eyes.

“We don't. I would have waited for you to join me as usual, but Izuna was…” Tobirama pauses, searching for the right word. “...pushy about me leaving work to see you.”

The tension in his chest eases as Kagami’s expression softens into the look Tobirama associates with their reunions. It's uncommon for Tobirama himself to be sent out of the village, though it does happen, but Kagami is one of their most reliable jōnin. He’ll be assigned a genin team eventually, but for now, he's too valuable in the field. It leaves Tobirama spending more time than he likes waiting for Kagami's return, frustrated by his inability to do anything to help. Even he can't keep track of people after a few miles.

There's no need to go looking now; Kagami is back.

Tobirama leans in, expecting Kagami to want his welcome back kiss, but Kagami takes a step back instead.

“Sorry, I just got back from a mission.” Kagami’s eyes flick from Tobirama’s lips to his cheek, pointedly still not meeting his eyes. “It was, ah, intense and I haven't had a chance to shower yet. How about I come find you later? Maybe we could get a bite to eat.”

All very reasonable.

All true.

All beside the point.

Tobirama tilts his head. “What are you hiding?”

Kagami’s eyes skip away. “Nothing. I just want to clean up.”

He's a good liar. He's earnest and likeable; even within the village, he's able to get away with more than he should simply by seeming innocent.

This isn’t like him. Anyone could see through it.

“If you want to be alone, you can tell me,” Tobirama reminds him. “You've done so in the past.”

“Then I'd like to be alone, please.”

Kagami bows his head and takes a step forward, clearly intending to sidle around Tobirama.

It's so out of character that Tobirama does something he shouldn't.

He grabs Kagami’s arm.

Any ninja worth their salt will take that as a threat, and Kagami is no different. By the time Tobirama’s hand closes around his forearm, Kagami is swinging around, his other fist swinging hard and fast, aimed at Tobirama’s solar plexus.

His Sharingan spins like an eddy, not yet casting an illusion but ready to. 

Tobirama catches Kagami's fist with his free hand and holds Kagami's eyes until the Sharingan disappears.

Up close and breathing faster, Tobirama realizes what's going on.

“This is about the woman you were with, isn't it?”

“Man,” Kagami corrects.

The perfume Tobirama can smell on Kagami is one many of the women in the village are currently fond of, including Mito, but it makes sense that a man might be interested in it. It's strong, the type of scent that arrives before a person and lingers after them, so it's usually worn sparingly. Anyone interested in making a statement would consider it.

Make a statement, Tobirama thinks as he breathes through his mouth, or assert possession.

“It wasn't what you think,” Kagami says quietly. “We were just pretending to be a couple. I was with him for two months, though, and he wore a lot of it. I and all my clothes smell like this now. That's all.”

Tobirama searches Kagami's expression for some clue as to what he thinks Tobirama was thinking but finds only signs that Kagami is unhappy.

It shouldn't take him as long as it does to remember that Kagami’s view of their relationship skews toward Tobirama being less invested in staying with him than Tobirama actually is.

“Did you think I assumed you were cheating on me?” Tobirama asks.

Kagami shakes his head.

“Were you ashamed of being sent on a mission like that?”

Kagami shakes his head- after hesitating.

Tobirama was sent on more honeypot missions and assignments that required feigning relationships than almost any other Senju. They're easier than they seem. Because nothing is real, he doesn't have to think as hard. He’ll never see these people again; they’re pieces to be anticipated and moved as necessary. If anything, he found them useful practice for predicting behavior.

He isn't alone in having no objections, but not all ninjas feel the same.

Uchihas as a rule make terrible honeypots. They either actually fall in love or have to invest so much energy in making themselves seem to be in love that they burn out.

Kagami, though more resilient, isn't immune to his clan's fatal sentimentality.

Tobirama squeezes Kagami’s hand. “You know I don't hold it against you, don't you? Your work is important. I understand that it requires letting other people touch you. You'll have to kiss them or go further. If I objected to that, I wouldn't have begun a relationship with someone on active duty.”

Kagami nods, but he only looks more unhappy.

Why?

Other people grow unhappy when their partner obsesses over their missions. The fights can be as loud as they are tragic; otherwise sound relationships can fall apart over a single kiss that never would have happened if they weren't compelled to for a mission.

If the couple doesn't split, then they may go the other way, tearing at each other’s clothes wherever they come across each other.

It's unhygienic. Tobirama has had to chase couples who ought to know better out of all sorts of unusual places, and they're always so caught up in each other that they don't even bother to apologize.

It's always one or the other. A fight or a fuck.

“Kagami.”

“Yes?”

“You know that I’m glad we have this, don't you?”

Kagami nods quickly. “Of course!”

“And you know that I would like to continue to be… intimate with you.” This is excruciating. “Regardless of what you're required to do, I always anticipate your return.”

“I know. You don't have to say anything. I know I'm overreacting. You wouldn't-”

Kagami’s lips are chapped, and when he opens his mouth to deepen the kiss, he tastes like tea. It isn't a kind either of them drinks, or either blend favored by the heads of their clans.

“Not my favorite,” Tobirama announces as he pulls away. “But acceptable.”

Kagami nods. “If you let me brush my teeth-”

Tobirama kisses him again. “Still not the best, but it may be growing on me.”

It takes Kagami another kiss to catch on, but once he does, he reclaims his hands and grabs Tobirama’s shirt, pulling him in and holding him close for kiss after kiss.

Kissing Kagami is something Tobirama always looks forward to. He got used to having Kagami at hand while Kagami healed from a blow to the head a few months back; not being able to reach over for a quick peck whenever he wants- or be pulled into a deep, distracting kiss any time Kagami sensed he was getting worked up- has been frustrating.

He doesn't mean to reach under Kagami’s shirt, but he missed holding Kagami as well as kissing him.

Kagami shivers and kisses him harder.

Tobirama also doesn't mean to start pushing Kagami backwards toward his bed, but he does. He pushes and strokes Kagami’s soft, warm skin, biting his lip just to make Kagami yank him closer.

It's going perfectly until Tobirama lowers his head to kiss Kagami’s neck and gets hit by a powerful wave of the perfume.

Choking, he pulls away. Tears spring to his eyes, but he keeps a tight hold on Kagami as he coughs. 

Kagami waits where he is, expression only growing more guilty by the second.

“I’m glad you've returned,” Tobirama wheezes when he finally catches his breath, “but you need to shower first. That perfume is disgusting.”

Kagami’s laugh isn't as strong as it usually is, but the kiss he presses to Tobirama’s chin is happy.

“My ‘date’ spent most of the first week thinking I was homesick because my eyes kept watering. Although-” he looks up at Tobirama steadily “-he wasn't entirely wrong.”

Tobirama swallows against the lump in his throat.

“Come,” he orders, grabbing Kagami’s wrist. “I hope your shower isn't as weak as I remember.”

Kagami catches up quickly and passes Tobirama.

“It's probably weaker, so if I’m going to get clean, it's going to take a while. Unless you'd like to help?”

He's only saying that to get a rise out of Tobirama, but it's been weeks of sleeping in a cold bed with a shirt Kagami accidentally left behind that now smells like Tobirama instead.

There's going to be a bruise on Tobirama’s leg from Kagami’s instinctive, defensive kick, and it isn't going to be a small one.

It's a small price to pay for the privilege of grabbing Kagami and carrying him to the shower.

* * *

Kagami is a warm, comfortable weight on top of Tobirama. After a thorough shower with only a couple detours, he smells like himself again. Even his neck, where the perfume was strongest, smells like Kagami and the standard, unscented soap once more.

They're both warm and clean and mostly dry. Kagami is dozing; his head is resting on Tobirama's shoulder, one leg tucked between Tobirama's.

Tobirama strokes Kagami’s back. The skin there is one of few unscarred places, smooth on top of firm muscle.

Holding someone wasn't in Tobirama's plans.

Looking forward to seeing an Uchiha wasn't either.

Yet here he is, more content than he'd ever thought he could be, seriously considering the possibility of further extending his absence from work to take a nap in Kagami’s bed.

“Thank you,” Kagami says. His voice is soft, almost inaudible.

Tobirama pauses.

He doesn't do Kagami the disservice of brushing off the thanks.

Honeypots and missions like them take a toll. Tobirama hadn’t hated them, but even so, taking them would wear on him over time if he didn't take other missions periodically.

One of their first conversations as a couple was about missions like this. Tobirama likely won't be sent on many, but those he does get assigned will likely be more involved. Kagami, while less likely to be sent on a mission as pressing, is more likely to be sent on more of them.

It wasn't jealousy that made Tobirama worry when Kagami left. It wasn't concern that Kagami would fail. It was concern that Kagami would doubt himself when he returned- a just concern, it turns out.

Tobirama could use his influence to prevent Kagami from being assigned these missions, but he won't.

His position isn't to be used to gain favors. Doing so would be inequitable, and it would endanger the trust he, Hashirama, and the heads of every clan have worked to build.

Kagami would hate it and him for doing it- he would never accept if Tobirama offered. It would have to be done without his consent.

“I'm glad you're back,” Tobirama tells him. He resumes stroking Kagami's back. “Next time, I’ll tell the hokage to pick someone less pungent.”

He gets a laugh.

“I really should have known not to worry about this.”

“You did know. Logic has to give way to emotion sometimes- didn't you tell me that?” Tobirama traces the curve of Kagami’s ribs with his fingertips. “I'm concerned that you were trying to avoid me. Did you think I’d judge you? You know my own past and possible future.”

Tobirama has learned over the course of his relationship with Kagami that honesty begets honesty. He just has to wait for it.

So he does. He continues tracing the contours of Kagami’s body, following the knobs of Kagami's spine and the wings of his shoulder blades. He’s lightly pressing the pad of his finger into the dimple above Kagami’s ass when Kagami says, “I didn't think you'd judge me.”

“But?”

“But you might not want me as much.” Kagami runs a finger down Tobirama’s sternum. “It wouldn't be conscious, but it's one thing to know abstractly that I was with someone else and another to smell that person on me. I didn't want to see that change. I was sure I was catastrophizing, but the chance that I wasn't…”

“You've seen that my opinion of you hasn't changed, correct?”

“Seen and felt. And heard, as have my roommates.”

Tobirama frowns. “I thought we were alone.”

Kagami chuckles, and Tobirama lets himself relax.

“They came and left while we were in the shower,” Kagami tells him. “Did you really not notice?”

“I was distracted.”

“Are you pouting?”

Tobirama doesn't answer, and Kagami pushes himself up onto his elbows.

“You are.” He grins, openly pleased. “Why are you pouting? I would have been disappointed if you’d noticed them on the rooftop when I was getting you _sudsed up.”_

Kagami leans in and kisses the tip of Tobirama's nose.

“This is what the village is for, isn't it?”

“I don't follow.”

“You got to relax because I was listening for you. We aren't alone anymore, Tobirama. We have friends, lovers. Life gets to be easier now. Not easy,” he says before Tobirama can say anything. “But easier. Happier. We get to improve the world together so the next generation won't have to do the things we do.

“Who knows? Maybe they'll grow up in a world where they only kiss for love.”

He bumps their noses together, and Tobirama lets himself smile.

Konoha isn't only Hashirama’s dream. It's Kagami’s as well.

“Maybe they will,” Tobirama agrees. “Until then, we’ll keep working for their sake.”

“Working and kissing the people we do love as often as we can,” Kagami adds. “Even if you aren't the only person I kiss, you're the only one I want.”

He doesn't make Tobirama try to come up with a reply to that; he just steals another kiss.

“And now,” he declares as he lies back down, “we sleep. The future will come when it comes, and I didn't sleep nearly as well on that man’s lovely spare bed as I should have. It was too big, I guess. Or maybe I’m just too used to sharing.”

Tobirama’s heart pounds in his ears. Kagami must hear it- his head is resting on Tobirama's chest right above his heart- but he doesn't say anything. The brush of his lips on Tobirama's neck feels like an acknowledgment, but it could as easily be a kiss goodnight.

Izuna can’t handle the rest of the day’s work, but it wouldn't be right to leave Kagami alone.

Wrapping his arms around Kagami, Tobirama closes his eyes.

He couldn't want Kagami less because other people have touched him. No one in their world is entirely untouched; if something as fleeting as kisses or sex can sully someone, then Tobirama must be poisonous.

Kagami will understand that someday.

Until then, Tobirama will do what he can to make him happy, even if it makes losing him hurt more later.


	9. Tobirama, M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: descriptions of minor wounds being cleaned, discussion of a fatal injury to the gut (occurs before the fic and not to a major character), previous parental death, referenced canonical child abuse, behaviors and thought patterns of undiagnosed mental illnesses

Kagami is trying to slip out the window when Tobirama catches him.

They stare at each other for a long moment.

Already tired and sensing an argument, Tobirama nods at the bed. “Sit.”

Kagami sits. He perches on the edge at the foot of the bed, the bloody tatters of his shredded uniform pants stark against the white sheets.

“You're very good at not letting people take care of you,” Tobirama says as he comes around the edge of the hospital bed and stops in front of Kagami.

“There are other people who need it more,” Kagami argues.

“We aren't at war. You can be looked after without overburdening the system.”

“It's nothing worth burdening the system with at all. I just landed on my hands and knees. They'll heal on their own.”

“That isn't the point.” Before Kagami can get more worked up, Tobirama leans in and presses his palms to Kagami’s knees.

The yelp that slips out of Kagami makes Tobirama’s gut churn, but Kagami needs to see that this is a problem that needs to be dealt with.

“How often,” Tobirama asks, “are you going to put the idea of the village ahead of your own actual worth?”

Kagami bristle. “That's what I'm supposed to do!”

“You aren't listening.” Tobirama squeezes Kagami’s knees. “The _idea_ of the village isn't worth dying for anymore; it already exists. It's one thing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of protecting your village. It's another thing entirely to use the well-being of others to justify pushing yourself so hard you get hurt and to neglect treatment. You're part of Konoha. The Will of Fire includes you.”

He feels the change in Kagami’s chakra from shame to anger.

“You aren't taking something away from someone else by existing,” Tobirama continues before Kagami can rally his anger. He nods at the empty bed next to Kagami's. “There's no name on that bed. These sheets aren't labeled. The salves aren't divvied up by person. The food isn't rationed. Whatever you need is yours.”

“I've never said otherwise.”

“Not with your mouth, but do you think you're so subtle that I don't know you refuse to take even the weakest painkiller? Do you think I can't see you buying bandages that everyone else gets for free?”

“You said you wouldn't look at my records!” Kagami snaps. His chakra prickles in anger.

“And I haven't. I know you're in pain because I know your face, and I know you buy bandages because I see the wrappers in the trash. Our first aid kit’s supply doesn't diminish, so you must have your own.” Tobirama lays his forehead on Kagami’s. “I realize we haven't had much time together lately, but I can still recognize when you're in pain.”

Kagami looks away, anger rushing out of him like air from a punctured balloon.

Tobirama pulls away. “Somehow, telling you that you have worth hurts you more than anything that's happened to your body. I wish I understood it.”

Kagami doesn't answer, and Tobirama rubs his forehead.

There's no way to get through to Kagami like this. 

“I have to finish some work, but I’ll be home in time for dinner. If you don't want to eat with me, there's soup in the fridge and rice for the cooker. Hashirama slept over last night, so if you’d rather sleep alone, the sheets are fresh in that room.”

Kagami nods, and despite the frustration building in his chest, Tobirama leaves.

* * *

By the time Tobirama leaves his office, the sun has dipped below the horizon. He's never been fond of winter. The cold doesn't bother him overmuch; it's the early nights that make him uneasy. Even inside Konoha, there are risks. Any shadow could be home to a threat, and Tobirama dislikes being surrounded by them.

Usually, he would be eager to get home, if only to rest, but his argument with Kagami, such as it was, weighs on him.

Even in Konoha, children's lives are subject to their parentage. It isn't uncommon for orphans to get lost in the shuffle. Bastards are often subject to disregard, though the capable ones can excel.

Kagami, by virtue of being an orphan whose parentage came into question after his mother’s death, began to look after himself young.

The others his age are mostly used to having everything they could possibly need. They assume food is a guarantee. They take their clean, dry homes for granted. They never question that if they're injured, the village will provide for them.

This is as it should be. Sheltering children is the point of society.

Tobirama doesn't need to hear the words outright to know it's more complicated for Kagami.

Madara happened to meet him when he was a boy and took a liking to him. Despite the bad blood between them, Tobirama can't imagine Madara doing any less than keeping Kagami well-fed in a good home. Madara’s faults stemmed from the common Uchiha paradox of having too much love, not a lack of it.

But favor comes with a price. Tobirama knows that well. He has a scar on his cheek from a time he wasn't quick enough to duck a rock thrown by an envious cousin.

Without Madara, Kagami was once again on his own, and the connection to the disgraced head of his clan that once protected him could only have made Kagami’s life more difficult.

It wasn't Tobirama’s intention to start a fight, but it rarely is. He isn't as quarrelsome as his brother seems to think; he's just accepted that arguing is inevitable. That doesn't make it enjoyable, but disagreements have to to be addressed or they will fester.

Hurt feelings are another inevitability.

Fists clenching- he knows how to argue effectively, and his behavior in the hospital was driven by fear, not logic- Tobirama resigns himself to a lonely dinner and a cold bed.

The door isn't locked when he gets home, so Kagami must not be so angry he's staying with someone else.

The meal will still be cold, but there's a chance Kagami will decide he’d rather not spend all night in the cold. 

Pushing the thought away, Tobirama heads inside.

Kagami is waiting in the kitchen. There's a bowl in front of him, but it's full.

“I'm home,” Tobirama says.

“Welcome back,” Kagami answers. He gives Tobirama a weak smile. “How was work?”

“Productive. We finally have a draft of a comprehensive set of laws to present to the Council. The code of conduct for Konoha’s ninjas is also nearly formalized.”

Kagami hums but says nothing.

Tobirama heads to the counter where the container of soup is waiting. He fights the habit of stopping to kiss Kagami’s forehead as he passes. Indulging will only encourage them to ignore the problem.

He knows this, but watching Kagami drop his eyes hurts.

They have to see this through, he reminds himself as he ladles soup into the pan Kagami left on the stove. He turns it on and reaches for a spoon.

He'd rather have this face to face, but Kagami speaks more freely when Tobirama isn't watching him.

It feels, at times, like Tobirama is the real problem in their relationship.

A voice that whispers things Tobirama is old enough to know are lies tells him that he _is_ the problem. As is always the case, he's too rough. No matter how careful he tries to be, he always causes more pain. The love the Senjus are supposed to have passed him over; Tobirama is an endless chasm of anger that only grudges can fill.

In Hashirama’s voice, the voice asks, “How many Uchihas do you have to hurt before you're satisfied?”

From the table, Kagami asks, “Hey, Tobirama?”

“Yes?”

“Do you ever wish we weren't a couple?”

Tobirama stirs the soup. His heart can beat as fast and hard as it needs to, but he won't waste food by burning it. “I don't.”

“Even though-” Kagami cuts himself off and takes a deep breath. “Don't you feel like a parent?”

“I couldn't say. I have no children.”

Kagami's voice is quiet as he says, “Right, of course.”

Tobirama's answer was wrong. It's as obvious as it is common.

“However, I did take care of my younger brothers when they were alive, which could be comparable,” he retries. If he's careful with his words, if he takes his time and thinks about Kagami instead of just saying what he thinks, he can push the argument to the end without making it worse. “My intention is to make you understand that being looked after is something you shouldn't run from, not to clean up because you're unable. That isn't how I felt with my brothers.”

Kagami’s voice is stronger as he asks, “Why?”

“Why does it feel different?”

“Why is it so important that I be looked after?”

“You exist.”

Too simple. Everyone exists.

“I dislike seeing you suffer. Refusing to allow others to help only needlessly puts you at greater risk, and I don't want you to do that.”

Tobirama stirs the soup and hates himself for being a coward. He's always taken pride in telling the truth even when it’s difficult, but matter how hard he tries, he can't get the more important truth to come out. It's been waiting in his throat for more than a year, but every time he tries to say it, his throat tightens, trapping his voice in a cage of his own body.

He loves Kagami, but he can't say it.

How long will Kagami last when Tobirama can only give him silence?

Hashirama made it into their twenties. Tobirama can remember the look of disappointment on his brother’s face as he realized the words that come so easily to him will never come from Tobirama.

It's too late in Tobirama’s life for him to learn how to give love. If it weren't, he wouldn't struggle so much with such a simple phrase.

The soup reaches a simmer and Tobirama takes it off the heat. He takes a bowl from the cabinet, tips the pan into it, and fetches chopsticks from a drawer. He isn't hungry and hasn't been since Kagami left on his mission last week, but he eats every meal. He goes to bed and sleeps despite being restless without Kagami beside him.

He isn't good at pining. Pining is disruptive. He has work to do, commitments. He has more important things to do than miss someone. A broken heart isn't fatal, and even if it were, Tobirama’s heart can't be broken.

That's why he's the only person who holds it. It's too heavy for others to hold without dropping it on themselves. Tobirama is fine when it lands- his heart is heavy because it's strong- but the person who dropped it gets hurt.

Kagami is discovering this.

“You and your health are important to the village,” Tobirama tries. “And to me, specifically.”

Closer. But Kagami has been silent for too long. He may have already decided to leave.

If Tobirama’s heart isn't too heavy, then it's closed too tightly.

Leaving is an act of self-preservation; Tobirama admires it. His exes saw a problem they couldn't fix, and they accepted that their happiness mattered too much to stay with someone like Tobirama.

Behind him, Kagami’s chair scrapes against the floor.

Tobirama begins searching his memory for any shirts Kagami might have left behind recently. Sleeping is less difficult when he has something of Kagami’s to hold.

Kagami’s footsteps don't head toward the door; they bring him to Tobirama.

There's a soft tug on Tobirama’s shirt, a familiar gesture that's both a warning and a request.

Tobirama lifts his elbows, and Kagami slips his arms around Tobirama’s waist. He lays his head on the back of Tobirama’s shoulder and noses at it.

Tobirama waits for an explanation, but none comes.

“Kagami?”

“I like holding you,” Kagami says. “It's really nice.”

“…I see.”

Kagami chuckles softly. “No, you don't.”

“I suppose I don't.” Tobirama sighs. “We have to finish the argument.”

“Is it an argument? It seemed like you were angry with me and I didn't know what to say.”

Two fingers run across Tobirama’s belly, tracing the skin above the waistband of his pants. It isn't a tease; Kagami is just touching him without thinking. He often touches Tobirama in ways that would be overtly sexual from other people but are simply Kagami’s way of being close to him.

It took time for him to get comfortable enough to do it. Months of small, innocent touches he was hesitant to reach for. Tobirama had wondered if it was just a case of him being seeming unreceptive- it had happened before, a partner assuming he was only tolerating something when he was simply enjoying it quietly- so he'd caught Kagami’s hand as he withdrew and lain it on his chest. He hadn't explained it, the words caught in his chest under Kagami’s hand, but he'd met Kagami’s eyes and waited until Kagami realized it was an invitation.

After that, Kagami grew bolder.

He’s come to the point where he takes hold of Tobirama as it suits him. He doesn't get as handsy with Tobirama in public, but he doesn't keep his hands to himself either. His fingers brush Tobirama’s. He takes Tobirama by the elbow. He steals quick pecks of kisses when no one is paying attention.

He doesn't seem to realize he's doing it; getting close to Tobirama is just something he wants.

No one else has held Tobirama’s heart against their chest as firmly as Kagami does.

He’ll get tired of the weight eventually.

Tobirama lets out an uneven breath. “I don't understand why you're so set on suffering.”

“I'm not.”

“Then why aren't you letting yourself be healed?”

Kagami doesn't answer.

Tobirama considers his dinner. “He wouldn't want you to suffer.”

“Please don't,” Kagami rasps.

“You aren't nothing,” Tobirama continues, ignoring him. “Madara recognized that. It's one thing he and I agreed on. If he knew I let you blame yourself for what he became, he'd hate me even more, and he'd be right. You're the closest to an heir he had. That doesn't mean you have to be punished for his choices.”

Kagami runs his fingers up Tobirama’s belly. “That isn't it.”

“Then what is?”

“I don't know.” Kagami presses his nose to Tobirama's back. “I wish I did.”

Tobirama nods, accepting that.

“Can we go to bed now?” Kagami asks.

“Not until we've eaten.”

“…Which we have to do in the kitchen, right?”

Tobirama nods again.

Kagami sighs, but he pulls away.

He catches Tobirama’s wrist as he does, firmly tugging him along.

Free hand picking up his bowl, Tobirama lets himself be sat down beside Kagami at the table.

“I understand that it's difficult,” he says, pushing the meat in his bowl to one side. “Just eat a little. You need the protein.”

Kagami nods and picks up his chopsticks. He picks up a slice of eel, and after a moment, he takes a bite.

Tobirama takes his own bites, picking between kelp and eel. It's a good, filling meal; when he was making it, he'd been thinking about Kagami's fondness for eel. 

The two of them, like all ninjas, are adequate cooks. The possibility of becoming stranded somewhere inhospitable requires knowledge of edible and poisonous plants as well as animals; knowing the correct way to prepare a potentially lethal plant could be the difference between life and death. All Academy graduates have to demonstrate an ability to forage and cook safely, as did all adult ninjas who were brought into Konoha.

Kagami prefers meals he doesn't have to fuss over, and eel requires more care than most foods. Even a few drops of blood can be lethal. Rather than risk it, he contents himself with other meats.

Tobirama doesn't mind fussing, especially when eel is so nutritious and plentiful. Kagami needs to eat well; his fondness for something so good for him should be encouraged.

Seemingly without realizing, Kagami makes his way through nearly all of the meat. 

“I'll reheat yours,” Tobirama says as Kagami blinks in surprise, realizing how much he ate. “This is why I told you to eat. You never eat enough when you're on your own. Emotions can suppress your appetite, but that's all the more reason to eat.”

Kagami nods but makes a seal before closing his hands around his neglected bowl.

Warm again, he pushes it at Tobirama.

Tobirama pushes the bowl they've been sharing at Kagami in return. The broth and vegetables are important, too.

“I've always wondered,” Kagami says as he accepts the trade, “did you learn all of this from someone? Or did you put it together on your own?”

“Some of both. I suspect my mother had the greatest hand in it.”

Kagami hums and returns to his meal.

Tobirama does the same, but can feel Kagami’s curiosity. He lets it lie; when Kagami is ready to ask, he will. Until then, Tobirama has his own eel to eat.

By the time they finish, Kagami still hasn't asked his question, so Tobirama gathers the dishes and brings them to the sink to be washed.

Kagami follows him wordlessly, and together, they wash and dry the dishes as they do whenever they share a meal at home.

Once everything has been put away, Kagami takes Tobirama’s hand in his once again and leads him to their bedroom. Tobirama allows it as he did before and, as thanks for not fighting about dinner, doesn't mention the cuts on Kagami’s knuckles reopening.

They help each other undress. One of Tobirama's shoulders doesn't rotate well, and having Kagami lift his shirt is helpful. He takes care of Kagami’s buttons and zippers so it's only a matter of pushing his pants down and off.

Kagami pulls him into a hug as soon as they finish, and Tobirama squeezes him just as hard.

They don't say anything, and when they kiss, it's chaste. Tobirama would go further if Kagami wanted to, but just holding him is good.

“This is nice,” Kagami tells him. “Your hands are cold, but I hug you and you're so _warm.”_

He hums to himself as he rubs his cheek on Tobirama’s chest, and Tobirama gives into the urge to pick him up.

Kagami usually protests, but this time, he merely wraps his arms around Tobirama’s neck and his legs around Tobirama’s hips. 

Lifting Kagami is an easy way to rile him when they're in the mood for it; this time, when neither of them is interested in doing more than being close, it only feels like trust.

Trust that, Tobirama realizes as he carries Kagami to bed, he's about to endanger.

There's a first aid kit in Tobirama's bedside table, as well as a bowl and a box of cloths. He doesn't want to start another fight, but Kagami’s wounds still haven't been treated.

Kagami knows about the kit. They've both had to use it for one reason or another.

Once he's set Kagami down, Tobirama makes no secret of opening the drawer and pulling things out; if Kagami objects, it's better to argue openly.

“You don't let me get away with anything, do you?” Kagami asks, pushing the blankets back. He sounds more curious than angry.

“I don't want you to get sick, nor do I want you to bleed on our sheets.”

There's a long stretch of silence until Kagami asks, “Your mother died in bed, didn't she?”

They had this conversation before they got together. Hashirama made a comment in passing that struck Kagami as odd, and he sought Tobirama out for clarification.

It's a reliable trait of Kagami’s. He’s more judicious than nearly anyone Tobirama has encountered.

Tobirama admires it.

“She did.” Tobirama picks up the bowl in one hand and makes a seal with the other, creating enough water to fill it. He makes a second seal, mimicking Kagami, to warm the water. “A sword wound through the gut that got infected.”

It was a wound inflicted by an Uchiha.

“That can take a long time," Kagami observes. "It's an awful way to die."

“It is.”

He lifts Kagami’s leg with a hand under his calf and braces Kagami's foot on Tobirama's thigh.

“Did you look after her?” Kagami asks.

Tobirama picks up a cloth and dips it in the water. “I wasn't allowed to. The four of us were prohibited from seeing her.”

He pats Kagami’s bloodied knee, and Kagami sucks in a breath.

“But you went in anyway.”

“No, I obeyed my father. I was six. There was nothing I could bring her but more pain.”

“What about your brothers?” Kagami asks.

“Hashirama disobeyed, so Itama and Kawarama did as well. If our father had found out, he would have turned his anger at the Uchihas who’d left her to die on them, so I kept watch for them."

It had been nerve wracking. Tobirama hadn't been nearly the sensor he is now, and Butsuna’s rage could be overwhelming.

“I see.”

Kagami lets the conversation drop, and Tobirama switches the damp cloth for a dry one. He rubs ointment over the broken skin then covers it with a bandage.

Finished, he returns Kagami’s foot to the floor and begins the process on Kagami’s other knee.

He's dipping the cloth back into the water when Kagami asks, “Do you really think that's all you would have done?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because she loved us. She never would have wanted us to see her in so much pain. Death doesn't leave anyone dignity, least of all when you’re loved. She deserved to leave us a better final memory of her." Kagami hisses, and Tobirama, realizing he'd begun to wash the cuts too forcefully, eases the pressure. “There are slower deaths, but hers was messy. The best I could do for her was warn my brothers when our father got close and clean up the room after she died. Hashirama and our brothers were too distraught to think to return, and by the time they did, I'd put her things back in order.”

There's a carafe on the table that Tobirama typically fills with water so he doesn't bother Kagami if he wakes up thirsty during the night. It's empty now, so he dumps the dirty water into it.

He refills the bowl, lets Kagami’s leg slide to the floor, and moves onto Kagami’s hand.

Kagami’s voice is soft as he asks, “They didn't like that, did they?”

“They didn't.”

“Do you wish you'd gone in with them?”

“No.” Kagami’s knuckles are dirtier than his knees were; Tobirama has to work harder to clean these wounds. “My mother didn't need me to watch her suffer. What she needed was proof that I would continue to look after her other sons in her absence. I wasn't selfish enough to bother her, so she understood that I wouldn't neglect my brothers.”

Neglect, no, but he did fail them. Itama and Kawarama weren't even old enough to drink when they were killed. Tobirama wasn't there to protect them. They died frightened and alone. All Tobirama did was direct other Senjus to where they were in time to fetch their bodies.

He's been doing his best for Hashirama, but more often than not, he and his older brother just argue. The words Tobirama can't tell him drive them further apart.

They weren't always at odds so much, but they did argue as children. Their mother fixed it every time. She was like Hashirama; everyone loved her without meaning to, and she loved them all in return.

She was the person who taught Tobirama the importance of looking after himself. He's smarter and less emotional when he makes sure he sleeps well. He doesn't get angry as quickly if he's eaten a nutritious meal. He can run faster if every footstep brings him closer to something he wants. He’ll be stronger later if he looks after his wounds while they heal. 

Kagami’s hand is finally clean, but Tobirama pauses before drying it, eyes drawn to the bowl.

The water is a sick color, neither rich brown like the earth Kagami slid down nor deep red like the blood he washed off Kagami's skin.

His mother had loved water.

“Tobirama?”

Shaking his head, Tobirama dumps the water out.

Kagami doesn't ask, and Tobirama resumes dressing Kagami’s wounds.

He's finished Kagami’s hand, forearm, and shoulder and has moved onto the scrape on Kagami’s cheek when Kagami speaks again.

“Water is a symbol of purity, isn't?”

“It is, though I've never understood why.”

“Really?” Kagami asks. He sounds curious again, some of his spark returning.

“One touch and the pure water becomes dirty. That's a poor kind of purity, don't you think?”

Kagami catches Tobirama’s hand as he dries Kagami’s cheek.

“Maybe you're looking at it backwards.”

“What do you mean?”

“Water isn't meant to remain untouched.” He lays his other hand over Tobirama’s. “When I put my hands in the water outside a shrine, it takes away what isn't pure about me. By your logic, that makes the water impure, yes, but I've been purified. Water becomes dirty for others' sakes. It's unselfish. That's why it's a symbol of purity."

He looks up at Tobirama steadily. There's a knowing line in his forehead that Tobirama wishes weren't there.

“You know,” Kagami says, bringing their hands down to rest on his thigh, “when I got back from missions, Madara used to make me tell him every injury I'd gotten and how I'd treated it. He would get really pushy if I tried to hide anything.”

Tobirama lays his forehead on Kagami’s.

“You miss him.”

“I do, but you don't.”

“I don't.”

Kagami tilts his head and kisses Tobirama.

Tobirama leans into it.

“Thank you,” Kagami says against his lips.

“Welcome home,” Tobirama answers. He kisses Kagami again. “Let me finish your face, then we’ll go to bed.”

“It isn't too early?”

Tobirama hesitates.

“No,” he says after a moment. Sleep when you're tired, he remembers his mother telling him. You can always wake up; you can't always sleep. “No, if you want to go to bed now, we should go to bed.”

Kagami’s smile is bright. “This is the welcome home I was hoping for.”

Tobirama straightens up and grabs the ointment, smoothing it over Kagami’s skin but leaving the wound uncovered. Kagami doesn't pull the blankets over his head, so the ointment won't be disturbed.

Finished, he sets the ointment down and lets Kagami tug him into bed. They curl up like spoons with Tobirama tucking himself against Kagami’s back. Kagami is also warm, and as Tobirama pulls the blankets up, he tucks his nose into the curve of Kagami’s neck.

He puts his arms around Kagami and pulls him close.

He knows Kagami wants a kiss before Kagami says anything. It's in the turn of his head.

The kiss is soft, but the way he arches his back says he's going to want more when they wake up later.

“Goodnight, Tobirama,” he mumbles, turning back.

Tobirama pulls him a little closer. “Goodnight.”

Kagami falls asleep quickly, and despite Tobirama’s intentions of staying awake a little longer, he finds himself lulled to sleep by Kagami’s steady breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to play with fanon interpretations, and it occurred to me that Tobirama might not be the usual type of workaholic. For optimal health and cognition- which he needs to have- a nutritious diet and a consistent, sufficient sleep schedule are vital. So what if, instead of working long hours, Tobirama overdid it by having a routine he wouldn't budge from?
> 
> What if Kagami neglects himself and is burdened by guilt? (I continue to steal father figure Madara from adolescentlycan)


	10. Kagami, E

The futon in Tobirama’s office is there so he can rest even when he's forced to work long hours. Kagami started napping on it after he and Tobirama began their relationship.

It's more like they're friends with benefits, but sometimes, like tonight, it feels like they're more.

Tobirama is on top of him, both hands holding Kagami’s hips in place. He's sweaty and breathing hard, and the lines in his forehead aren't the usual ones that mean he's concentrating.

Kagami wants to ask why Tobirama is looking at him like this, but every time he tries, Tobirama snaps his hips and takes Kagami's breath away.

Sex with Tobirama is rarely fun- intense, yes, and _good,_ but not lively. The one time Kagami managed to make him laugh, Tobirama shut down immediately. Kagami had finally gotten to see the soft side Tobirama pretends not to have, and it was sweet. Tobirama had let Kagami pull him through the house, stripping off their clothes piece by piece and leaving them strewn around, and smiled when his cold hands made Kagami jump.

And then he'd laughed and it all came to a stop.

Sex with Tobirama is rarely gentle- it never hurts or goes anywhere Kagami doesn't want it to go, but it's never just the two of them slowly rocking together, taking their time just to be with each other. Kagami has tried to slow Tobirama down, but Tobirama always takes it to mean Kagami doesn't want it. He pulls away fast and has to be reeled back in carefully or he’ll avoid Kagami for days. Even getting a kiss from him after that can take a week or two.

The whole time, he looks like he did something wrong.

Where, Kagami wants to ask, did you learn not to want to have fun? Who taught you to look at my mouth instead of my eyes? Why are you so afraid of just feeling good with me? What are you thinking that hurts you so much you won't tell me about it?

Getting Tobirama to talk about his thoughts is both easy and impossible. He’ll say the actual thought without much cajoling, but he won't engage with it. Sometimes, he doesn't even seem to recognize that there's context for what he's thinking.

It's the difference between _My feet are hot_ and _I’m standing in a fire._ He has all the pieces, but he doesn't put them together.

Doesn't or maybe can't.

Tobirama dips his head and lays it on Kagami's shoulder. His breath is coming fast, and Kagami shivers at the feeling of hot air on his sweaty skin.

Passion is good. Being kissed until his lips hurt is good. He never feels undesirable. Even when he's supposed to be working or dirty from a mission, if he wants it, Tobirama will have sex with him. Tobirama will enthusiastically have sex with him.

It's intense, hurried sex, but Tobirama will touch Kagami all over and pant his name. He’ll look Kagami in the eyes and suck bruises into his skin.

But he won't go slow. After he's taken the time to make sure it will be good for Kagami, he doesn't slow down unless Kagami needs him to.

It isn't that he wants someone else; Kagami is certain of that.

So what's going on?

They've been doing this for months, but Kagami is no closer to the answer than he was in the beginning.

He tries to put it out of his mind, and with Tobirama doing his best to fuck him until Kagami can't think about anything but him, it isn't hard to do.

Tobirama isn't completely silent, though he is quiet. Kagami buries a hand in his hair, and Tobirama moans into his skin.

“Are you-”

“I’m good,” Kagami pants. He holds Tobirama's head against his shoulder. “You make me feel so good. I wish we could stay like this.”

The sound Tobirama makes is pained.

Kagami strokes his hair. “Don't stop wanting me.”

“I don't understand,” Tobirama rasps. “What do you get from being with me? Why do you keep coming back?”

Kagami groans as Tobirama snaps his hips.

“You could have anyone, so why- Why do you want this? Why am I the one you invite into your bed?”

He sounds so lost, Kagami's chest aches with how much he wants Tobirama to be happy.

The floor is cold and hard, but Tobirama doesn't protest as Kagami uses one leg to heave them over. He doesn't protest Kagami pinning his chest down either.

He looks up, expression open and uncertain, as Kagami takes over.

It feels so good like this. Kagami doesn't try to go slowly- he still wants Tobirama as desperately as he had a moment ago- but it's different. Their bodies fit together differently, and for the first time since their first time together, Tobirama looks truly vulnerable.

Biting down on his lip, Kagami stays upright, hands braced on Tobirama's chest, and doesn't stop even when he sees Tobirama's eyes go wide.

He keeps going until Tobirama wraps his hand around Kagami’s cock and says his name.

Kagami chokes on Tobirama's name as he comes.

When he's recovered enough to sit up and pull off, the air is cold on his sweaty skin, and Kagami shivers.

Tobirama’s hands are hot as he rubs heat back into Kagami’s arms.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

He always asks. It's an unusual habit in a man so determined to focus on his own thoughts.

Kagami nods. “I'm good. Are you?”

Tobirama nods. “I'm fine.”

“Are you really?”

“If this is about what I said, just ignore it."

“I want you because I feel good with you,” Kagami says, ignoring the order to ignore him. “You're handsome, you're interesting, and you make me laugh. Being with you makes me feel good.”

Tobirama doesn't look any less confused, so Kagami leans down and kisses him.

“I like you as a person, Tobirama-sama. I'd spend more time with you if I could.” Weighing the risks, he adds, “It doesn't hurt that you're a good lay, though.”

Tobirama makes a sound somewhere between a cough and a choke, and Kagami reaches for the nearest piece of clothing to clean them up. The condom takes a little more work, but he gets it off and ties it, then throws it in the trash before he gives Tobirama a quick wipe with the shirt he used a moment before. Then he lets himself lean forward and stretch his legs out until he's lying comfortably on top of Tobirama's chest.

“Let's take a shower,” he suggests around a yaw. “Right after we nap.”

He feels Tobirama's chuckle as much as he hears it.

“You're tempting fate.”

“What's the worst that could happen? Someone sees us? The gossip will save me the effort of telling everyone that you're mine.”

The easy rise and fall of Tobirama's chest stutters, but he only lays his arms across Kagami’s back.

They'll sort out the details later. For now, Kagami is content to let himself drift off on top of Tobirama.


	11. Tobirama, T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter inspired by a talk with adolescentlycan, who brought up the idea of Tobirama struggling because he's such a powerful sensor that he can't help feeling other people's chakra

Mito figures it out within a month of becoming a jinchūriki. She doesn't say anything, but Tobirama catches her watching him sometimes, her forehead wrinkled in concern. He should say something to her; there's no need for her to feel guilt over something she has no say in. Hashirama would do that. He'd walk up to her and promise her that there’s nothing wrong.

Tobirama doesn't have a talent for comforting people or telling lies. He'd only upset her further.

So the uncomfortable silence between them grows, looming over them like a colossus built of pain neither can tear down.

It should hurt him to hurt his sister-in-law, and it does. The list of people Tobirama has hurt is a long one, though, and if he can bear Hashirama’s pain, which he can, he can bear Mito’s as well.

* * *

Once, Tobirama told Hashirama that because he hadn't been kneading chakra, he hadn't noticed Madara hiding outside the window. That was the truth and a lie- Tobirama had felt someone nearby and assumed it was Madara but hadn't been sure. Why would it matter when Tobirama had nothing to hide? His feelings were no secret. He hadn't told Hashirama anything he wouldn't have told Madara as well; it would have fractured the village to make an Uchiha hokage. To pick Madara, who’d been scorned by his own clan, would have endangered them all.

Hashirama won't ask why Tobirama didn't trust Madara from the start, and to offer the explanation on his own would make it an excuse.

Tobirama would only hurt Hashirama with the truth now, and despite Hashirama's beliefs otherwise, Tobirama has no interest in inflicting unnecessary pain.

Madara had been unstable even before Tobirama killed Izuna. He never could have withstood the emotional burden of being hokage. Sending his friends and, by Hashirama’s logic, family to their deaths would have broken him.

If Hashirama did ask, Tobirama would tell him that Madara’s chakra had been disturbed. It had felt akin to Butsuma’s chakra when he was angry; it was an insatiable, growing rage that didn't want to be quenched.

It had felt, in a sickening way, similar to Tobirama's own, but Madara was impatient. He was short-sighted and fearful. No one could have changed his mind.

The nightmares that had plagued Tobirama when Madara lived nearly disappeared after Madara died.

As if to balance his good fortune, Hashirama’s worsened. The weight of Hashirama’s sorrow is crushing, but even though they're brothers, even though all Tobirama wants is to make Hashirama happy, even though Tobirama could make him hurt less, Hashirama won't ask Tobirama to sleep in his room anymore. The spare futon that used to lie on the floor near Hashirama’s own is gone, put away the day Hashirama drove his sword through Madara's chest.

He didn't have to say anything. Tobirama knows his brother. The missing futon was as clear as Hashirama shouting at him.

The nauseating feeling of Madara’s chakra doesn't keep Tobirama awake anymore, but his brother’s secret, unending mourning does. The joy that used to warm Tobirama whenever he felt Hashirama’s chakra is gone, replaced by a misery so deep that Tobirama envies Madara.

* * *

The Kyūbi’s chakra bubbles. It feels like a stomach that's been empty for too long; it twists and snaps, demanding attention and growing louder as soon as it's noticed.

Tobirama does his best to ignore it, and he usually can. He just has to focus on something else, use one of his senses to distract himself.

Even so, there are times when he has to feign a reason to leave so he can vomit without upsetting his brother or Mito, but he feels the weight of his sister-in-law’s gaze when he returns and knows he didn't manage to fool her.

Hashirama remains unaware. The unspoken agreement between Tobirama and Mito holds.

Tobirama doesn't tell Hashirama that the Kyūbi’s anger is so strong Mito sometimes begins to lose herself in it, and she doesn't tell Hashirama that Tobirama passed out and hit his head during a meeting because he was overwhelmed by the weight of the Tailed Beast’s rage and Mito’s despair.

All Hashirama seems to know is that his wife and his brother get along well. He doesn't recognize that Tobirama most often finds Mito when the Kyūbi is frightening her.

Despite not understanding how desperate being a jinchūriki is, Hashirama is good to his wife. He dotes on her, and the love he has for her keeps her strong.

The pain of Madara’s betrayal and murder hasn't stopped him from being in love, and Tobirama takes what comfort he can in the knowledge that Mito tucks each booming laugh and little gesture into her heart, building up the bars on the Kyūbi’s cage. 

It's cold comfort when his body is shaking from the strain of ignoring the roiling, malicious chakra that shrouds Mito, but it is comfort.

* * *

Tobirama was seven when Butsuma realized his second son had a talent for finding people.

He brought Tobirama to a watchtower and told him to reach with his chakra and describe everything he could feel.

A kilometer was as far as Tobirama could reach, but it made Butsuma smile.

The smile disappeared quickly, as did the glow of pleasing his father. It was replaced by days on end of standing in the watchtower and telling the person keeping watch over him everything he felt.

Distance and understanding were key, so Tobirama focused on those.

He never told his father, but he never had to focus hard to find Hashirama. His older brother’s chakra felt different from everyone else’s. There was something more to it; it was more alive, brighter than anyone else’s.

Before Hashirama began to resent him, Tobirama would reach for it when he was worried. The steady, familiar pulse was reassuring.

He never told Butsuma any of this either.

* * *

As an adult, Hashirama’s chakra is unbearable. Even when Tobirama isn't actively sensing, he can tell exactly where his brother is.

Tobirama quietly endures it because Hashirama is his brother and nothing can be done.

The bouts of blindness that come with the pain are predictable, and knowing how to ignore a strong chakra signature to follow other, weaker ones is a useful skill. The learning curve is steep, but Tobirama has always been a good student.

* * *

Most chakra signatures are only vaguely familiar to him or belong to people with unremarkable reserves. These are the easiest to ignore.

Kagami has one such chakra. He's an adept shinobi but not one who will ever become kage-level; his chakra hums like an augmented weapon, steady and waiting but unassuming.

“Is Mito having a bad day?” Kagami asks.

Tobirama nods and lets his eyes fall shut as Kagami rubs his temples. He finally finished work, and the moment he returned home, he laid his head in Kagami’s lap.

Kagami brushes his fingers over Tobirama's cheek. “She must miss Hashirama. They were married for a long time.”

“Not long enough.” Tobirama rubs his forehead. “She should have had him for longer than she did.”

“That's true.”

Kagami moves his fingers across Tobirama's forehead, gently pushing Tobirama's hand away as he goes. Between Kagami and the ice pack over Tobirama’s eyes, the raging chakra that’s mixed with Mito's isn't as overwhelming, but the greatest relief comes from Kagami’s chakra.

Unremarkable as it is, it's familiar; its shape fits Tobirama’s like a key in its lock. Tobirama can't completely stop himself from sensing chakra, but he can focus on Kagami's.

Mito’s pain is a distant thing, muffled by Kagami’s presence. There's no way for Tobirama to convey adequately how much Kagami does for him just by being near; all he can offer is a kiss to Kagami’s knuckles.

It isn't enough, but it makes Kagami happy, which is more than Tobirama has ever managed with anyone else.

* * *

The absence of Hashirama’s chakra is worse than his death. Tobirama reaches for him only to find emptiness.

It’s worse than losing Kawarama and Itama. Without Hashirama, the world feels less real.

Without Hashirama’s chakra, Tobirama begins to doubt whether he existed at all.

The world separates from him like a dream. If Tobirama could just wake up, Hashirama would be alive again.

“Come back to bed,” Kagami says, appearing next to him at the window.

Outside, the village glows with the lights in each home.

Tobirama shakes his head.

“Come back to bed,” Kagami says again. “You won't find him by staring out the kitchen window. He isn't here anymore, Tobirama.”

The temperature drops in Konoha as summer gives way to autumn. A shiver runs through Tobirama.

Kagami takes his hand and tugs on it. Tobirama lets himself be pulled away, but they don't go to their bedroom. There's an overstuffed chair in the living room, and Kagami pushes him into it.

“Let me grab a blanket.”

Tobirama nods, and a moment later, Kagami sits down on his lap and arranges the blanket around them.

When Tobirama doesn't put his arms around him on his own, Kagami does it himself.

“I know you're lost because he died, but the world didn't disappear.”

Tobirama nods. He does know that.

Kagami lays his head on Tobirama’s shoulder. “I’m worried about you. You've been getting reckless without Hashirama. I've seen the projects you've continued without him to step in, and I know you know they're wrong. Doing heinous things won't make him decided to come back to life to yell at you.

“Your home is still here. The village is still here. I'm still here.”

“I know you are.”

“Your behavior says otherwise.” Kagami strokes Tobirama’s neck. “The world isn't empty because your brother died. It's just less bright. Reach a little further, Tobirama. The village is full of life; you'll feel it if you let yourself.”

Tobirama closes his eyes and does as Kagami suggests.

The villagers' chakra signatures light up before him. It feels like an earthquake inside his head before he's reached even half of them, but the earthquake is real. The menacing chakra roiling within Mito’s is too threatening not to be real.

Next to Tobirama, Kagami’s chakra is humming steadily.

For the first time since he saw Hashirama's body but couldn't sense his chakra, the world has some depth. 

It isn't the same, but it doesn't feel so much like a dream.

In Tobirama's home, perched on his lap, Kagami is asleep. His chakra is calm and his breathing even.

Tobirama pulls him closer, holding him against his chest.

He hasn't lost his world entirely. Konoha still exists. Kagami still exists.

As long as he has these, Tobirama isn't alone.


	12. Kagami, T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: discussions and descriptions of extensive scarring; the scars are initially described in a way that may make them sound self-inflicted, but they are not

Tobirama is heavily scarred. He lived through decades of war; of course his body shows signs of that. The scattered scars Kagami noticed don't stick out enough to make Kagami wonder.

A trip to an onsen makes him pay more attention.

Hiruzen is practically yanking Kagami's arm out of the socket as he marches them to the water. Danzō is following them, approaching normally. Kagami can't see him, but he can feel Danzō rolling his eyes.

There are two other men already soaking, but Kagami, who's busy trying not to fall over, doesn't notice them until Hiruzen comes to a stop and hauls Kagami in front of himself.

“Hashirama-sama, Tobirama-sensei!” he calls cheerfully. “Have you met Kagami?”

Hiruzen’s inexplicable desire to visit a remote onsen suddenly makes sense. Clear, Danzō-worthy sense.

One drunk confession after an exhausting mission and now Kagami is going to be saddled with Hiruzen’s meddling for the rest of his life.

Hashirama beams as he comes over. “I haven't! Uchiha Kagami, right? You have the look of an Uchiha.”

Kagami fights the urge to cover himself. He keeps his eyes fixed on the hokage’s face. “Yes, I’m an Uchiha.”

“Are you a close relative of Madara?”

“I don't believe so.0

“Ah, I thought not. I'm sure he would have introduced us otherwise.”

Hashirama reaches the edge of the water and peers up at him, expression hopeful.

“Ah, yes, I'm sure he would have,” Kagami agrees.

“Of course! You must be the friend Saru talks so much about, then. Does your Sharingan really have three tomoe already? Did your parents have it as well? What about your siblings? Do you have any?”

Kagami flounders, overwhelmed by the questions.

Hiruzen doesn't help. Danzō passes them and gets into the water.

It's Tobirama who intervenes.

Eyes closed, Tobirama calls, “Brother!”

“What?”

“People come here to relax, not to be interrogated. At least let the Uchiha get into the water.”

Hashirama blinks, then bursts into booming laughter. He ducks his head in apology and rubs the back of his neck.

“Sorry, sorry! Of course you did. Come join us, Kagami.”

Tobirama sighs but doesn't scold his brother further.

Kagami exchanges looks with Hiruzen, who nods encouragingly, then heads into the pool.

Hiruzen’s agenda is clear now, but Kagami can't say anything in front of the Senjus. Besides, the hot water is relaxing; aches Kagami hadn't realized had been bothering him ease as he sinks in up to his chest.

Attention diverted, Hashirama doesn't resume his questioning in favor of returning to Tobirama’s side and elbowing him. He frowns when he doesn't get a response, brow wrinkling like any rebuffed sibling.

Hashirama’s kekkei genkai is a combination of earth and water releases, Kagami recalls. It's interesting that the only man known to have it also has a brother who's known for his preference for suiton techniques.

The two of them, unlike most Senjus, seem to have settled into using one style. Hashirama never seems to use anything but his mokuton, and despite Tobirama’s arsenal of techniques, when he has a choice, he uses suiton.

Specializing so heavily is dangerous, but then, who's on their level? Izuna and Madara are their only equals- perhaps with the exception of the raikage’s lightning release against Tobirama, but even he can't match Tobirama’s speed- and the two of them fall back on their clan’s katon.

Kagami loves Konoha. It isn't ill intent that makes him question the brothers. He can support them better if he knows where they're weak.

That and simple appreciation.

Hashirama is the most handsome man Kagami has ever seen. He has high, sculpted cheekbones and a strong jaw. His dark eyes are knowing but kind; he doesn't have any wrinkles yet, but from the frequency of his smiles, he’s going to have crow’s feet by his eyes and laugh lines around his mouth.

Tired of being ignored, he flicks water into his brother's face.

“Don't be a child,” Tobirama scolds.

Next to Hashirama, he's more striking than handsome. The familial resemblance is there in the cheekbones and jaw, but Tobirama’s face doesn't look like it was built to smile.

Perhaps the difference is partly due to how lean Tobirama is. Hashirama is built solidly. His chest and broad shoulders are round with muscle. Tobirama is thinner, his muscles corded rather than thick.

From what Kagami has heard, their personalities diverge the same way. Hashirama is as generous; Tobirama is severe.

Encouraged by his brother’s refusal to engage, Hashirama laughs and plucks the cloth off Tobirama's forehead.

“You're going to wrinkle,” he cautions around a smile . “Always frowning like that.”

Tobirama holds out his hand. “Brother.”

Hashirama, smile firmly in place, tosses the cloth over his shoulder.

It hits the ground with a wet slap.

“We’re guests here,” Tobirama grumbles.

Hashirama only settles in beside his brother.

Lined up so conveniently, Kagami can't help but compare them.

A thin, winding scar runs from the wrist to shoulder of the arm Tobirama has out of the water and lying along the edge of the pool, but there are other, smaller scars scattered across his body. He's so pale that every discoloration stands out in sharp relief.

There's a healthy glow to Hashirama’s dark skin. It's unmarked; Kagami can't see so much as a freckle.

Both are signs of a threat. Tobirama is tenacious; he'll endure whatever you throw at him. Hashirama is too powerful for you to reach him to begin with.

With a happy sigh, Hashirama pinches Tobirama’s cheek. The red line that cuts through Tobirama’s cheek thins as the strongest ninja in history stretches his younger brother's cheek like an affectionate aunt.

Expression flat, Tobirama stares forward.

Hashirama says something too low for Kagami to catch but makes Tobirama turn and glare at him, and it truly strikes Kagami for the first time that Hashirama and Tobirama are brothers in the most fundamental sense. They're familiar with each other in a way no one else can be.

Hashirama is the only person who's allowed to bother Tobirama like this.

Hiruzen sighs. “I wish Hashirama wouldn't do that. Tobirama-sama’s going to be in a bad mood later, and I need him to help me figure out the right seals for a water technique I’m modifying.”

“It does look like it hurts,” Kagami says, wincing in sympathy as Hashirama pulls Tobirama’s cheek.

“You have no idea.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s never said it outright, but I’m pretty sure Tobirama collects chakra for sensing in those lines. That's why they're on his face- they work like whiskers.”

Hiruzen helpfully mimes whiskers with his hands.

Over Hiruzen’s shoulder, Danzō snorts.

“He hasn't said that outright because it's a stupid idea. Only you would come up with such a ridiculous theory.”

“Hey!” Hiruzen whips around, annoyed but keeping his voice low. “What's your theory, then?”

Danzō shrugs. “They're just markings. Lots of people have them.”

“But not like Tobirama-sama’s,” Hiruzen insists.

The two of them continue going back and forth. Kagami closes his eyes and doesn't join in.

He hasn't had time to relax in months, and the hot water feels incredible. As awkward as Hiruzen’s joke is, at least something good happened.

He's starting to overheat when he hears water slosh.

Blinking, he opens his eyes just in time to see Tobirama move away from the edge.

“You have to leave already?” Hashirama asks.

Tobirama runs a hand through his hair. “I have the meeting we discussed and an appointment with Saru. As pleasant as this has been, I need to go.”

Hashirama looks disappointed but nods. “You'll eat with us tonight?”

“Of course, provided Madara hasn't spat in my food.”

“That happened once, and you caught him.”

Tobirama shakes his head and makes his way to the steps.

Without meaning to, Kagami watches as Tobirama climbs up the stairs.

The scarring on Tobirama’s arms isn't unique to them.

His torso is flecked with scars, but the biggest scar is wide and uneven, almost a collection of scars that stretches from one shoulder and his ribs down his leg. It doesn't stand out much, so it must be old, but the thought makes Kagami shudder.

He’s only seen something like this once before; it comes from being dragged.

Tobirama sluices water off his arms and chest as he climbs the stairs, and Kagami is relieved to be distracted by how trim Tobirama's waist is. His hips are narrow, the grooves that run from them to under the water are defined; they draw Kagami’s eyes to his sharply defined abs.

Tobirama is tall, so the water quickly drops below his hips-

Kagami bites his cheek and looks over at Hiruzen, hoping to pull him into some kind of conversation to distract himself, but Hiruzen isn't there anymore.

Danzō’s expression says Kagami should have noticed earlier.

“Behind you,” Hiruzen says, tapping Kagami’s shoulder on the opposite side of where he'd been. His eyes are bright and untrustworthy. “There's something you should see.”

Kagami turns to ask him why he moved, but as he does, he spots Tobirama behind Hiruzen.

Tobirama is the type who doesn't put his towel on immediately. Lots of people are like that; it's more unusual to comment on it than to do it.

Staring is rude, but Kagami can't look away as he catches an eyeful of… everything.

His face gets so hot it hurts.

“Something wrong, Kagami?” Hiruzen asks sweetly.

Tobirama finishes walking inside, and Kagami, attention freed, looks to his treacherous friend.

“What are you doing!” he hisses.

“Why are you mad? I was helping you take in everything this beautiful onsen has to offer.”

Unable to risk articulating why he's about to strangle his friend, Kagami gestures at Hashirama, who's still soaking where Tobirama left him.

Hiruzen only grins harder.

Danzō grunts. “I've endured enough of this.”

“Not yet!” Hiruzen whines. “We haven't even relaxed yet!”

“Like I can after you made me-”

Kagami slaps a hand over Danzō’s mouth. “Let's stay for another five minutes. Okay?”

That should give Tobirama time to finish getting dressed.

Danzō shoots him a poisonous look, but when Kagami takes his hand off Danzō’s mouth, he agrees to stay.

Five minutes is long enough to plan how to get back at Hiruzen.

* * *

Kagami doesn't forget the onsen, but as years pass, it fades to the back of his mind. His crush fades with it. He sees Tobirama periodically, but the agonizing, opposite feelings of wanting Tobirama to see him and desperately wanting not to be noticed slowly become the simple desire for Tobirama’s hard won praise. It's a common motivation, and Kagami settles into the hopeful crowd.

He earns approving remarks here and there and walks away proud of having proved his worth.

When he's twenty-six, he’s assigned to Tobirama.

It was the hokage’s doing. Madara and Tobirama had had an argument the entire village had heard, and a day later, Kagami had found himself standing in Tobirama’s office, fixed in place by a face he used to fantasize about gazing into as he and Tobirama made love on his desk.

In reality, Tobirama had looked at him across the desk with his usual frown.

“A delegation from Iwa will be here in four days,” Tobirama had said. He'd pulled a set of scrolls from a drawer and held them out. “You'll find a briefing and relevant information in these. Be sure to read them before the delegation arrives.”

Kagami had heard the implied dismissal, taken the scrolls home, and immediately looked through them.

Tobirama had looked up with open interest the next morning when Kagami arrived with a scroll of his own.

“I have questions,” Kagami had told him. “There are gaps in protocol, and some of the information is self-contradictory.”

The quirk of Tobirama's lips had been small, but Kagami had gotten the distinct impression that he'd passed a test he hadn't known he was taking.

It's been nearly two years since then, and Kagami’s crush has been replaced by something worse.

He swallows the feeling down as he sets his brush down.

“Is it your shoulder again?”

Tobirama shoots him a warning look. “I’m fine.”

Kagami takes it as the warning it is, but he still says, “You're about to yell at me for someone else’s messy kanji, so with respect, I don't think you are.”

“I slept on it, but it isn't a problem,” Tobirama allows. He rolls the joint, and Kagami fights the urge to point out how little it moves. “I’ll be fine in a few hours.”

Kagami doesn't argue. He just waits.

“I can see you thinking that I should get something for it,” Tobirama grumbles, “and you're right.”

He pulls a bag of rice out of his desk and holds it out for Kagami to warm as Kagami trained him to do, but rather than simply heating it up, Kagami takes the bag from him.

“Moist heat is wasted if you put it on over clothes as thick as yours,” Kagami points out. He comes around the desk. “This has a nice cloth cover so you can put it on directly without burning yourself.”

He gestures at Tobirama to lift his shirt, and with only mild skepticism, Tobirama pulls it up and over his shoulder. There's no external sign of the poorly healed injury, only the old scarring, but it bothers him more than any of the scarred injuries.

Kagami pretends not to see him wince as Kagami presses the bag to his shoulder. “Do you still have that roll of bandages?”

Tobirama reaches into the desk again and silently hands the roll over.

They've never done this before, but Kagami is used to wrapping injuries. This isn't much different.

When it's finished, Kagami returns to his chair.

Tobirama pulls his shirt the rest of the way off, and Kagami flashes back to the onsen. In the years since then, Tobirama's scars have barely changed. Neither have the solid muscles of his arms and the distracting pink of his nipples.

It's cold in the room, and Kagami tries to focus on that instead of remembering unhelpful things.

After he finishes tying the hot pack in place, he returns to his chair and casually crosses his legs until Tobirama dismisses him for the night.

* * *

Over the course of working with Tobirama, Kagami finds himself walking in on him in various states of undress. Tobirama has an almost aggressive disregard for modesty. His clothes come off and swap out as needed. His only concessions to society’s expectation that he be clothed are closing the door and giving anyone in his office the opportunity to leave.

The first time he brought it up, Kagami, in a moment of self-destructive pride, had informed him that there was no need for them to interrupt their work more than necessary.

Kagami reminds himself that a body is just a body as he reads the same sentence for the third time in a row.

After a long day of diplomacy, Tobirama is going to spar with his old team, but before he can, he has to change. His brother’s habit- or perhaps Izuna’s habit- of hiding the bag with the change of clothes has prevented him from putting clothes on for nearly ten minutes.

Why he doesn't locate the bag before he strips is a mystery, but he does have a lot on his mind today.

No matter what direction he's facing, he's distracting.

The worst isn't the obvious parts; it's all the details that lead Kagami's eyes to them- like the hair on Tobirama’s chest.

It’s more blond than gray, as Kagami discovered when Tobirama got distracted in the middle of getting dressed and decided he needed to get something off a shelf just above Kagami’s head. Like his brother's, it's sparse. Unlike Hashirama’s, it's so light that it glints when sunlight catches it.

Despite what his eyes want to do, Kagami doesn't follow the trail that runs down Tobirama’s chest.

Tobirama's shoulders are safer, but even they aren't entirely safe.

He can't miss the scars. He's seen them so often that he could draw them from memory, but he’s still curious.

What could be so dangerous that Tobirama, the fastest man alive, couldn't escape?

It's unfortunate that the scars make reading Tobirama easier. Running his thumb over the scar that runs up his index finger means he's losing patience. Crossing his left leg over his right means he's aching and needs to be given space. Absentminded touches to his jaw mean he's interested.

He doesn't touch any of them when he's in a good mood.

Inevitably, Kagami is drawn to Tobirama’s side. There's more discoloration than anything, but that only makes it more obvious.

“Still curious, I see.”

Kagami looks up quickly.

Tobirama raises his eyebrows, not angry yet, but that could change.

“Tobirama-sama,” Kagami says, feeling small. “I didn’t mean to-” To what? Stare? Overstep? Make him uncomfortable? “-do that.”

Tobirama hums in thought. “I'd thought you would have lost interest by now, but I suppose that was shortsighted.”

Wincing, Kagami looks down at the floor. “I'm sorry. I’ll leave.”

“Why? Did I dismiss you?”

“I- No.”

“Then you'll stay. And lift your head; you've made your apology.”

Kagami looks up, and Tobirama fixes Kagami with a searching look, not unlike he had when they were first put together.

“You're most drawn to this one.”

He taps his hip, and Kagami nods.

“It isn't an exciting story. Few are.”

“You don't have to explain.”

“I'm well aware of that.”

Kagami winces a second time.

Tobirama ignores it. “I was a reckless child.” He taps his side again. “This is the result of an attempt at recreating a kekkei genkai externally.”

“Externally?” Kagami asks. “How?”

“Transformation happens as chakra is molded. In theory, different natures can be combined before that process is complete.” Tobirama snorts. “I was convinced I could mimic my brother’s mokuton. Perhaps not fully, but enough to be of use to our clan. If I could do it, I could find a way to recreate any kekkei genkai short of dōjutsu. I could even potentially create new ones.”

He isn't the first person to come up with the idea of mixing transformations, but Kagami has never heard of anyone actually attempting it.

“You couldn't do it?”

“In a way. I was able to combine the transformations, but the combination was imperfect. I couldn't control what I’d created, and my warped mokuton drained my remaining chakra. Obviously, the easiest way to return home from the mountain I’d climbed was to slide down it.”

He shakes his head.

“It was poorly planned but useful. Had my brother not returned before I recovered and explained that I shouldn't do it again, I would have figured it out.”

He looks wistful, and Kagami realizes with a start that if Hashirama hadn't caught him, Tobirama might have killed himself attempting to recreate his brother’s kekkei genkai.

Hashirama must have known that, just as he must have known Tobirama was too stubborn to stop simply because he was asked.

“Much of this is my own doing,” Tobirama continues, gesturing at his body. “Though Izuna did contribute.”

Kagami doesn't follow his hand, but he lets himself smile at the joke.

“I understand.”

“Good. Now I can look for my clothes.”

He returns to his search, and Kagami, after a moment, joins him. The first place he looks is so obvious Tobirama must have discounted it.

“Here,” Kagami says. He holds the bag out. “It was under your desk.”

Tobirama takes it with a sigh then opens it and begins dressing.

Kagami reclaims his seat and remains there until long after Tobirama has left and the sounds of Team Tobirama fighting have begun, but his thoughts are elsewhere.

* * *

It would be helpful if Kagami’s feelings would fade now that he knows Tobirama is so self-destructive, but his feelings have never been helpful.

* * *

The scars neither add nor subtract from Tobirama, Kagami decides the next time Tobirama undresses. They're interesting because they're unique, but Tobirama wouldn't be any different if he didn't have them.

* * *

Kagami is lucky and unlucky that the first person other than Hiruzen and Danzō who notices his feelings is Mito.

She finds him training one day; he jogs over to her without being called. They have little to do with each other, but he recognizes a summons when he sees one.

“I'm going to be blunt,” Mito says when he gets to her. “You're in love with Tobirama, aren't you?”

Hearing it aloud is like getting hit in the gut.

“I didn't mean to,” Kagami promises.

Mito shakes her head. “I’m not here to punish you. Tobirama is a bit of a fixer upper, but you could do worse.”

“I don't want to try to fix him.”

“Yet you've already begun to.” Mito’s smile isn't entirely happy. “He lets you look after him. I’ve never seen him allow that.”

Kagami shifts, uncomfortable. “He's only a man, Mito-sama. He gets hurt like the rest of us.”

“I wonder about that.”

“Why?”

“He doesn't heal well. It takes a long time, and he scars easily. You've seen his body. He keeps his pain with him to his own detriment.”

“Are we talking about him as a person or his body?”

“Is there a difference?”

Kagami frowns. “I don't know.”

Mito hums to herself. “Sometimes I wonder if Hashirama heals at his brother’s expense. You've noticed, haven't you? Hashirama forgives; Tobirama holds grudges.”

Kagami swallows. “They're very different men.”

Mito smiles at him, and this one is more genuine. “That's true. I’ll let you return to training. I just came to check on you. Loving Tobirama can't be easy.”

She's wrong, but Kagami doesn't correct her.

Loving Tobirama is easy. Keeping it secret is the hard part.

* * *

“Are you a masochist or just dumb?”

Kagami winces. “Neither.”

“You're doing a good job of pretending,” Danzō tells him flatly. “Or maybe you're just crazy. I always knew you were too normal to be an Uchiha. The inevitable decline has begun.”

“Danzō,” Hiruzen warns.

Danzō waves him off. “He knows what his family is like, and he knows this is ridiculous.”

“It's just a massage!”

“For Tobirama.”

Kagami pinches his nose. “I don't like to see him in pain. It's too old to be fixed, so I offered to help. It isn't that weird.”

Danzō looks at him flatly. “Just try not to get hard while you're on top of him for this generous massage.”

“I knew I shouldn't have told you about that,” Kagami mutters to himself. “It's just his shoulder; I’m not going to be on top of him. Besides, that happened ages ago.”

“Didn't you use shunshin to leave his office last month so you wouldn't have to stand up?”

Hiruzen clears his throat. “Danzō might be right. Spending a little time on your own before you go. So your body won't-”

Kagami kicks him. “Finish that sentence and I'll put you so deep under a genjutsu you’ll think you're a chicken.”

Danzō’s eyes brighten with interest, so Kagami kicks him, too.

* * *

Maybe Hiruzen had a point, Kagami thinks.

Tobirama is sitting in his chair with Kagami standing facing his arm. The oil Kagami brought smells sweet like the burdock root it's infused with, and as it warms, the scent intensifies.

Helping each other work out knotted muscles is part of being on a team. Kagami has given massages and gotten them for most of his life. As he told Mito, Tobirama is just a man, and he isn't immune to stress. He's been a team leader and a lone adult; unless a partner did this, which Kagami is willing to bet they didn't because he's never seen Tobirama relaxed.

He would have noticed if Tobirama had looked like he does now: eyes shut, lips parted, literally nodding off.

Kagami tries to focus on that as he digs his fingers into Tobirama’s taut tricep.

Tobirama’s only input from the moment Kagami began has been soft sighs and the occasional grunt.

Kagami wants to kiss him.

He wants to do other things, too, and the longer he spends with his hands on Tobirama, the more difficulty he has breathing evenly. His heart is beating fast and hard in his throat.

Once, Kagami had to hide and fight from Iwa back to Konoha on his own. He’d had to hide every sign of where he was for days. He hadn't been able to sleep, and the paranoia of being caught and endangering Konoha had made his nerves fray.

He’d made it back, but he'd nearly died doing it.

Completing that mission had won him one of Tobirama’s rare praises.

Reliving that experience would be easier than this.

Tobirama’s head lolls to one side, only for him to straighten up a second later, eyes opening in surprise.

He sniffs once then closes his eyes again.

It's cute.

Tobirama is cute.

In the past, that isn't how Kagami would have described him, especially after the onsen, but dozing off like this, that's exactly what he is.

Kagami has never forgotten what Hiruzen tricked him into seeing that day, but he'd convinced himself that he'd imagined most of it. If his memory of Tobirama’s muscles is right, though, then the other things he saw must be, too.

Face heating, Kagami makes himself think about last week when Hiruzen smacked him in the head with Enma in his adamantine staff form. It was a solid hit that knocked Kagami out. He'd woken up in the hospital with a concussion; the headache and nausea had lasted for days.

Back on track, Kagami ignores the itch to run his fingers up Tobirama’s arm.

He came here with the intention of working on Tobirama’s shoulder, but there's so much tension in the muscles around it that the massage would have been rendered pointless in a day.

If Tobirama were unhappy about Kagami reaching beyond what they agreed on, he would have spoken up.

He's never been trusted like this.

Part of why he's been allowed to continue, he suspects, is that he isn't talking. Tobirama is prone to headaches, and being talked at all day sets them off.

Even if that weren't the case, what would Kagami talk about? They work together. The missions Kagami is assigned either can't be discussed or aren't interesting.

The other options are Kagami himself, which is dangerous considering where his thoughts are, and Tobirama, which is dangerous, too.

Kagami’s fingers catch on a scar in Tobirama’s forearm. He ignores the impulse to trace it and follows the muscle instead.

The only acknowledgement they've made of Tobirama’s scars tonight was Kagami hesitating over one and Tobirama reassuring him that Kagami can't make the pain worse.

It isn't much of a reassurance, but Kagami wasn't about to argue.

From the look of them, he'd thought he would feel the scars more than he does; if he couldn't see them, he wouldn't have any idea how many there are. The few he can feel are severe. He knows how Tobirama got some of them, but most just exist, clear on Tobirama’s skin and unexplained.

Kagami runs his hand up Tobirama’s arm; the patch of skin just below Tobirama’s elbow that doesn't have hair is even smoother than the delicate skin along the inside of Tobirama’s arm. What could leave a scar like that, Kagami doesn't know. He doesn't ask.

Tobirama’s eyes flutter but don't open as Kagami grabs a little more oil and gets to work on his fingers.

Two of Tobirama’s fingers broke and healed crookedly.

Broken bones don't hurt if they heal correctly, only ache, but Kagami takes extra care with them anyway.

He leaves Tobirama’s hand for his neck. He pushes in deep with his fingers as he moves them up Tobirama’s neck, and Tobirama makes a sound Kagami has never heard from him.

Kagami doesn't say anything, but he thinks about Mito’s theory. Being the bad guy so Hashirama can assume everyone has good intentions- and, Kagami suspects, taking the blame for some of the hard decisions the village has had to make- must be exhausting.

How long has it been since Tobirama wasn't a lightning rod for anger?

Too long, Kagami thinks.

When he finishes with Tobirama’s neck, he goes over Tobirama’s shoulder one last time.

Reluctantly, Kagami takes his hands off Tobirama and comes around to stand in front of Tobirama.

“Do you feel better, Tobirama-sama?”

Tobirama blinks at him, eyebrows pulling together, and it hits Kagami that Tobirama hadn’t just been nodding off. He'd fully fallen asleep.

He must have been comfortable.

“I do,” Tobirama says, voice thick with sleep.

He stretches, arching his back and raising his arms. The motion draws Kagami's eyes to his chest. In the low light, Tobirama's skin gleams. It catches the light as he moves, and for a moment, Kagami has the crazy thought that he should kiss him.

Tobirama returns to his usual posture with a yawn.

“I’m glad,” Kagami reminds himself to say. The feelings he needs to learn how to smother made it an agonizing experience, but it's worth it to see Tobirama so comfortable. “I've done my job. Do you need anything more from me or should I leave you to get home?”

“No, you can go. I've kept you long enough.”

He hasn't.

“Then I’ll take my leave you.” Kagami picks up the bottle of oil and the towel he'd brought to clean off his hands. “Good night, Tobirama-sama.”

Tobirama inclines his head, and Kagami makes his way out. He's just opened the door when Tobirama speaks.

“I owe you for this.”

Kagami turns back. “You don't. You were in pain, so I helped.”

Tobirama gives him a flat look. “You've been limping since your last mission. Why haven't you gotten it worked on?”

“Oh, that's- I didn't realize you'd noticed.”

“Of course I noticed. Stay late tomorrow and I’ll help you with it.”

“You will? But you're busy, and I’m-”

Kagami's thoughts catch up.

Tobirama is a sensor. He’s better at locating people than knowing how they feel, but he can do the latter well enough. He must have picked up on how Kagami was feeling.

Mortification burns in Kagami's cheeks.

“You knew?”

“It was difficult to miss.” Tobirama puts his hands on his hips. “As I said, don't immediately go home tomorrow.”

All of this is more than Kagami can take in. “You aren't angry?”

“I don't understand it, but I’m not angry.” Tobirama clears his throat. “We’ll be late, so I’ll get dinner for us. You like the place that does good from the Land of Wind, don't you?”

It takes Kagami too long to recognize what Tobirama is dancing around.

“It isn't just me, is it?” he asks. “You're making it a date.”

Tobirama isn't as imposing when he's sleepy. “If you want it to be, yes, tomorrow will be a date.”

Dinner and a massage- Kagami has had worse first dates with people he liked less.

Tobirama wants to touch Kagami the way Kagami touched him, and he's going to bring Kagami the best food in the village.

Kagami’s smile grows so wide it hurts.

“I’d like that,” he says. “It’s a date.”

Tobirama nods at him, but there's a smile in the corner of his lips, and Kagami leaves the room feeling happier than he has in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considered making this its own fic, but it felt too under-developed


	13. Kagami, E

It was a long mission. Kagami barely slept for two weeks, then didn't sleep at all for the last two days it took to return to Konoha.

His knees are barely holding him up in the shower, but he can't handle the idea of going another minute with the weeks’ worth of grime that have built up.

A long shower would feel better, but Kagami can't risk falling and cracking his skull.

If nothing else, it would upset Tobirama.

“You're home.”

Kagami nearly jumps out of his skin at the sound of Tobirama’s voice.

“Why aren't you at work?” he yelps.

Tobirama lifts one eyebrow. “Would you prefer it if I were?”

“No! No, I’m glad to see you.”

Kagami stretches unsteadily to give Tobirama a kiss safe from the spray, but to his surprise, Tobirama steps into the stall and wraps his arms around Kagami.

Being apart isn't fun, but this more than makes up for it.

“Welcome home,” Tobirama says against his lips.

“I’m happy to be back.”

Hands slipping around Kagami, Tobirama kisses him again, and Kagami happily relaxes into him. It's a relief not to have to hold himself up. It’s as good as feeling Tobirama’s hands wandering over his body.

It isn't a reunion if they don't paw at each other.

Kagami sighs, but it catches when Tobirama sinks to his knees.

The first touch of Tobirama's tongue sends a hopeful shiver up his spine; between work in the village and the mission and falling asleep the moment they lie down, they haven't had more than a few meals together here and there for more than a month.

Compared to Kagami's earlier partners, Tobirama is almost always interested in having sex. There's no pressure from him to always be in the mood, but knowing that Tobirama wants him this much makes Kagami’s head spin.

It spins faster as Tobirama pushes him against the wall and faster still as Tobirama lifts Kagami’s legs, slipping his thighs over Tobirama's shoulders.

Tobirama takes him into his mouth, and Kagami groans.

He hadn't let himself think too much about what Tobirama would do when Kagami got back; it would have distracted him.

Watching Tobirama swallow him so deep his nose presses Kagami's belly knocks every thought out of his head.

Their eyes meet, and Kagami lifts his hands to Tobirama's head. He strokes Tobirama's hair, warmed by the sight of Tobirama getting drenched by the water still pouring from the shower head.

He feels Tobirama swallow and, without intending to, spreads his legs a little wider.

The twitch of Tobirama's eyebrows says he noticed, but he doesn't try to say anything; he just bobs his head again. His eyes fall partly shut as he looks up at Kagami.

“Did you miss me?” Kagami asks.

Tobirama hums, and Kagami can't help arching his back.

Nothing turns him on like Tobirama watching him.

Kagami shivers again as Tobirama pulls back. He stops just short of pulling off; his lips stretch around the head as he looks up at him.

Kagami curses, and Tobirama takes him in again.

It makes Kagami tilt his hips as he tries to get even a centimeter deeper. He wants to be everything Tobirama is thinking about; he wants to be selfish and have all of Tobirama’s attention, all of his body. He wants to be more important to him than anything and anyone else.

The look on Tobirama’s face says Kagami can be all that.

If they stayed like this forever, Kagami would never tire of it. Tobirama’s eyes are fixed on his. Tobirama’s mouth is his. Tobirama’s fingers are his; they press firmly just below where Kagami wants to feel them because Tobirama knows how much Kagami likes it. Everything Tobirama is doing is for Kagami. No one knows Kagami's body better than Tobirama, and Kagami is the last person Tobirama will learn how to please.

Tobirama sucks on him, and Kagami groans.

It's perfect. There's nothing more Kagami would add to this.

Tobirama continues what he's doing, head bobbing as he works Kagami the way Kagami loves.

It's everything Kagami wants, but he has to acknowledge an uncomfortable, embarrassing truth.

“Um, Tobirama?”

Halfway down Kagami’s shaft, Tobirama pauses. His eyebrows knit tonight in a silent question.

“It’s been a while, hasn't it?”

Tobirama nods, but he disguises it by taking Kagami the rest of the way into his mouth.

His lips are red and wet with saliva and water, and Kagami fights the impulse to push him back.

“You can stop.”

Tobirama hums another question, eyebrows knitting together farther.

“You know what's going on, don't you?” Kagami asks. His face burns with mortification; his voice is tight with it. “I can't get it up.”

For a long moment, Tobirama doesn't react. He swallows a few times, which feels good, but that only makes Kagami’s embarrassment worse. It isn't that he doesn't love this. It isn't that Tobirama is terrible at it.

Kagami just isn't getting hard.

This has happened to him before, but not with Tobirama.

He's tired; that's all.

Tobirama, who loves having sex, has never seen him like this.

Slowly, Tobirama pulls off. “You want me to stop?”

“It isn't like that. It's just-” Kagami worries his lip. “I guess I do, yeah.”

“Because you aren't hard or because you don't like it?”

“I don't like it because I’m not hard. There's no point in doing something that won't go where you want it to.”

Tobirama studies him. “As long as you like it, it's already gone where I want it to.” He noses at Kagami’s hip, eyes fixed on Kagami’s. “You're embarrassed, aren't you?”

“Of course I am!” Kagami hisses.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why? Because I can't get it up! I'm twenty-nine and getting blown by the man I love. I missed you. I want to have sex with you. This isn't supposed to happen!”

All he gets is a shrug.

“Please say something.”

“Like what? You're exhausted. I wouldn't be able to, either.”

“Then why were you doing it?”

“I thought you'd enjoy it. If you did get hard, I’d enjoy it, but I wasn't assuming you would.”

Kagami rubs his face. “You don't have to do something like that.”

“I don't, but I enjoy it.” Tobirama’s expression softens. “I also like how you taste. You don't have to be hard for me to have that. The same is true for the way you say my name.”

Suspicious, Kagami frowns at him. “Are you hard?”

“Of course.”

“Then I can-”

Tobirama shakes his head. “It's been a long day. Let's just take a bath.”

The rush of energy evaporates, leaving Kagami too tired to argue. “A bath sounds nice."

* * *

The water is hot and full of bubbles, and the room smells sweet with the contents of the bottle Tobirama upended into the water.

Kagami sinks down until he's submerged to his chin.

Behind him, Tobirama is working shampoo through Kagami’s hair. He gently brushed the knots out as he let the bath fill the usual way; now, his fingers move through it easily.

“Feeling better?”

Kagami nods. “This is nice.”

“Not upset about earlier anymore?”

Kagami slips lower, letting his mouth dip below the surface.

Tobirama massages Kagami's head. “You'll survive.”

Kagami answers with bubbles.

“You aren't going to bounce back tonight, I see.” Tobirama wraps his arms around Kagami. “Let's say hello properly tomorrow, after we've slept.”

Lifting his chin, Kagami points out, “I know you're still hard. I can feel it."

Not the way he wants to feel it, or where, but he can feel it.

“Anticipation never killed anyone. Who knows? It might make tomorrow even better.”

“That's overdoing it.”

“Is it? Who knows, I might embarrass myself in the opposite direction.”

He must be feeling bad if he's trying to make Kagami feel better this way. In all the time they've been together, Tobirama has always been able to last. Even when Kagami deliberately pushes every button, he has a terrifying amount of self-control. “It's nice of you to comfort me.”

Tobirama takes Kagami’s hands in his.

“I haven't had your company in too long,” he says, moving his mouth against Kagami’s ear, sending a shiver through Kagami despite his exhaustion. “This isn't comfort. It's honesty. Or have you forgotten our promise not to lie to each other?”

He squeezes Kagami, and Kagami reluctantly allows himself to relax into the hug. It feels nice just to be held, and making himself comfortable in Tobirama's arms is only natural.

“I don't want you to do anything,” Tobirama says abruptly, holding him in place, “but if you keep wiggling like you have been, I’m going to ruin our bath.”

Kagami snorts.

He refuses to acknowledge the guilt creeping up his throat. Tobirama doesn't mind, so Kagami doesn't need to worry.

Water splashes down on Kagami’s head.

“Stop fretting,” Tobirama orders. His hands shield Kagami’s eyes from the water washing his hair clean. “One occurrence doesn't make something pathological. Even if that does prove to be the case, do you think I’d leave you? I know how much you enjoy sex. I'd find a way to make you feel good.

“If that failed, then yes, my feelings for you would change; sex is a significant part of our relationship. However, you wouldn't be less important to me. Your company would remain my favorite. As I’ve told you, I intend to keep you until you tire of me. No longer having sex wouldn't mean your place is forfeit."

Romance is a strange thing. Logically, Kagami knows all of this is true, but he closes his hands around Tobirama's because he can see perfectly how hard Tobirama would work to make something for him.

“When I can get it up,” Kagami says, “I’m going to ride you so hard you’ll sleep for a week.”

Tobirama chuckles, and Kagami smiles to himself as Tobirama pulls him close.

“I really did miss you."

“It was mutual." Tobirama kisses Kagami’s temple.

Comfortable and less embarrassed, Kagami relaxes into Tobirama's chest once more.

When it comes, Kagami doesn't fight the pull of sleep.

* * *

Tobirama comes with a choked cry.

Kagami blinks at him.

“I told you, didn't I?” Tobirama pants. “Did you think I was lying?"

Despite knowing better, Kagami runs his hand up the front of Tobirama’s boxers just to see Tobirama shudder.

“I wish I didn't like this,” he admits. “You really do get pent up when I'm not around."

“You told me to wait for you to get back, so I waited.”

Tobirama twitches but doesn't pull away as Kagami continues to run his fingers over Tobirama's cock through his boxers.

“It's a shame no one else knows that you do follow directions sometimes.” Kagami gives him another firm stroke and watches in delight as Tobirama arches his back. He reaches down and strokes himself a couple quick times to take the edge off before he replaces his hand on Tobirama with his mouth.

The sound Tobirama makes yesterday’s humiliation fade.

Kagami has never been wanted by someone like this. Tobirama is proud to a fault; it's the root of many of his sharp edges. He's closed off and Machiavellian. He doesn't allow himself to have regrets.

He isn't as strong as Hashirama and Madara, but he might be more dangerous.

He tugs Kagami up and forward until they can kiss.

Tobirama’s resistance to shame is dangerous, yes, but as he pulls on Kagami to get him to sit on the damp front of his boxers, his mouth hot and hungry as he chases kiss after kiss, Tobirama’s lack of shame makes Kagami’s skin feel too tight in the best way.

Yesterday didn't change Tobirama's mind, and Kagami doesn't doubt that he meant everything he said.

They aren't there yet, and until they do, Kagami is going to make Tobirama feel every bit of desire Kagami has for him.

Telling him how much Kagami has missed his company while riding him hard seems like a good way to start.


	14. Tobirama, E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Kagami intentionally takes something that's basically Viagra but didn't believe it would be as potent as it is. He and Tobirama, who wasn't brought in on this, are in a relationship and, because the effects don't wear off, keep having sex to the point where neither of them is enjoying it anymore.
> 
> I promise this does have comfort.

“Why didn't you tell me earlier?” Tobirama pants.

Kagami groans and tilts his head back against the wall. “I didn't think it would do this much. It was just-” He groans, cutting himself off. “Things can be a little awkward at first, so I thought a little help would be good.”

It's been an hour since they got home, an hour and a half since Tobirama realized that leaving the party at the hokage’s residence was necessary, and Kagami is still flushed.

Tobirama’s hand aches.

“Did they tell you how long this would last?” he asks.

“They said to set aside a day, but I thought they were just being funny.”

Kagami looks embarrassed, which isn't an incorrect reaction but isn't a helpful one either.

Tobirama presses his fingers in hard. He and Kagami generally don't get rough with each other, but an hour and a half is a long time and Kagami has the look that says he does want Tobirama to get a little rough.

So Tobirama works him hard and fast. He says things into Kagami’s ear that he knows Kagami wants to hear; they’re more possessive than he feels comfortable with, but they make Kagami moan and tilt his hips into Tobirama's hand.

They haven't even made it all the way inside. Kagami hadn’t been able to keep his hands off himself, so Tobirama had pushed him against the nearest wall, opened Kagami’s kimono, and tried to help.

Since then, Kagami has come four times, and he's still wound up tight like he gets when they haven't seen each other in weeks.

Despite being out of breath and desperately riding Tobirama’s hand, Kagami pulls Tobirama in to kiss his forehead. “I'm so lucky you're always prepared.”

Tobirama lifts his head and kisses him gently.

Kagami deepens the kiss.

They kiss until Kagami breaks away to gasp Tobirama’s name.

Like every time before, he comes on the front of Tobirama's kimono- cleaning it without getting caught will be a hassle, but it's Kagami’s favorite, which keeps Tobirama from simply throwing it away- and slumps back.

“Maybe that was the last time,” he says.

It wasn't. Tobirama doesn't have any reason to think that, but he gets the feeling that this is far from over.

* * *

Tobirama is as deep in Kagami as he can possibly get when Kagami blurts, “I love how big you are. Nobody else could give me what I need to make this better.”

He’s on his back, but he still tries to fuck himself on Tobirama's cock.

“None of my exes could do this.” He's babbling, but he’s been doing that from the moment Tobirama took his kimono off and pushed him on the bed.

“You aren't better yet,” Tobirama cautions.

Kagami only groans. “I feel like there's nothing inside me except you. Just you, Tobirama. Just you giving me what I don't want anyone else to even try to give me. Fuck, just like that! I could almost come just like this-”

His words disappear in a low groan.

Tobirama touches the mess on Kagami's belly with two fingers. “Not almost, huh?”

Kagami puts his hands over his eyes. “I'm sorry.”

“It's fine.”

The corners of Kagami’s mouth quirk in a weak smile. “If you say so.”

He's already getting hard again, so Tobirama takes him in hand and tries to find a way to get even a centimeter deeper.

* * *

Kagami’s rambling dirty talk continues. As if to match what Tobirama said earlier, it's its own kind of possessive.

“You don't want anyone else, right?” Kagami asks. He's on his elbows and knees, ass in the air. “You get everything you need from me, don't you? I’m yours, Tobirama. Everything you want is right here.”

His knuckles are white from his fingers digging into the blankets. He keeps talking, but Tobirama doesn't try to follow what he's saying.

Kagami needs Tobirama to be with him. Kagami is begging for Tobirama to be his because Tobirama is the one he needs.

Tobirama has been his from their first kiss. Anything Kagami wants from him is his.

* * *

After finally falling asleep after having sex for too long, Tobirama wakes to the muffled sounds of Kagami trying to keep his voice low as he touches himself.

“Dawn will be here soon, but your side isn't cold yet,” Tobirama thinks aloud. “The reprieve must have lasted longer this time.”

“It did,” Kagami admits. He’s on the floor on the other side of the bed. Tobirama can hear exactly where he is; telltale sounds of what Kagami can't stop himself from doing haven't lessened. “I tried to get to the bathroom, but my legs were too unsteady. You didn't wake up, so I thought I might be able to finish on my own.”

Tobirama rolls over. “Can you get back up to bed?”

“No.”

“Have you tried?”

“Of course I’ve tried!”

Kagami’s voice is tight. He must be exhausted as well as embarrassed. It's a potent combination, one that Tobirama never wants him to feel.

The sounds haven't so much as paused.

“Then I’ll come to you.”

Slipping off the bed, Tobirama seats himself between Kagami’s open thighs. In the low light, Kagami doesn't look like the cheerful, handsome man Tobirama has been with for years. His expression is drawn as if every moment he feels like this costs him something.

Tobirama rests his hands on Kagami’s thighs. “Does it hurt?”

“Not really. My wrists aches, but my dignity is what's taking the most hits.” He sighs unsteadily. “I'm sorry for waking you up.”

“There's no need for you to do this on your own.”

“Isn't there? It's my fault. You didn't even know I was thinking about trying something like this. They told me it would be intense; I thought there was no way a civilian’s tea could be that powerful. This is all my fault. I’m the only one who should have to lose sleep.”

“You're angry with yourself, but I’d rather lose sleep than leave you on your own to self-flagellate.” He reaches higher with one hand and basks for a moment in the hopeful sound Kagami can't keep to himself. “Touching you is hardly a sacrifice.”

He lifts one hand and closes it around Kagami's cock, pushing Kagami’s away when they don't move on their own. It's hot and slick with the lubricant they've been keeping on hand, and if Kagami weren't so unhappy, Tobirama would gladly lose sleep for this.

Kagami sinks against the side of their bed with a moan.

“Besides,” Tobirama points out as he begins to move his hand, “didn't you have a bruise on your back from indulging me at work last month? This is nothing.”

“You're a better liar than this,” Kagami accuses, but his voice is already breathy.

“I'm good at lying when I need to be, yes. I made a promise not to lie to you about our personal lives, however.”

“That's-” Kagami cuts himself off with a groan. “That's poor logic.”

“It's no poorer than thinking I wouldn't want to touch you. My only reservation is that you’re in distress. As soon as you’re finished this time, I’ll get to work on a treatment.”

“But you-”

Kagami interrupts his own argument. He arches his back and whines as Tobirama reaches one hand between Kagami’s legs and presses his fingers just below where he knows Kagami wants to feel them.

Empty hands scrambling for something to hold, Kagami latches onto Tobirama's shirt. He pulls hard enough to yank Tobirama forward.

Close enough now, Tobirama kisses his temple.

Kagami pants against Tobirama’s neck and opens his legs wider.

“I’ll fix this,” Tobirama promises. “Let me take care of you now. Don't try to help. Just feel.”

He’s pulled closer again, and Kagami rests his head on Tobirama's shoulder. There was a glimmer in his eyes earlier; it becomes two damp spots on Tobirama’s shoulder.

Tobirama once had to stay awake for a week straight. He felt emotions that week that he'd never felt before and hasn't felt since.

He didn't have anyone to help, but he didn't have anyone to witness either.

“Do you want me to talk to you?”

Kagami shakes his head.

Tobirama kisses the top of Kagami’s head.

In the silence, the sounds of Tobirama’s hand stroking Kagami are painfully loud. The desperate noises Kagami doesn't manage to stifle are the same as the ones he usually makes; Tobirama bites his cheek, fighting a rush of guilt at getting hard even though Kagami isn't sounding this way because he wants to.

The sooner he brings Kagami off, the sooner Kagami will be able to relax. Once Kagami can do that Tobirama will take a quick walk to get his body back in order, then get to work.

He's grateful that whatever Kagami took isn't making him last longer. If they had to take half an hour or even longer every time, they'd never rest. It would be even faster if Tobirama could open Kagami up, but he doesn't like the thought of taking his hands off Kagami’s body even to grab the lube.

When Kagami comes, he makes a mess of his own chest while gasping Tobirama's name.

If Kagami were simply relieved because they'd stopped drawing things out, Tobirama would love the way he sounds.

As it is, he works Kagami until he gets a familiar mumble that says Kagami’s body has had enough.

He reclaims his hands, but before he can help Kagami sit up, Kagami tightens his grasp on Tobirama’s shirt. “Please.”

“Please what?”

Without taking his head off Tobirama’s shoulder, Kagami cups him through his pants. “Please still want me.”

Tobirama sucks in a sharp breath through his nose.

“Why wouldn't I still want you?”

“I need to hear you say it.”

“Of course I still want you.”

Tobirama lifts Kagami so they can kiss.

“Can I?” Kagami asks when they separate. He gives Tobirama a light but pointed squeeze through the front of his pants.

Words sticking in his throat, Tobirama nods.

Kagami kisses him.

He doesn't stop kissing Tobirama when he reaches into Tobirama’s pants. He doesn't stop when they're both breathing hard. He doesn't stop when Tobirama comes or when Tobirama realizes Kagami got hard again.

He only stops when Tobirama does get the lube and Kagami can't do more than beg.

* * *

“We've been approaching this incorrectly.”

Kagami looks up from his chair. It's off to the side instead of directly across from Tobirama's desk, and there's a towel under Kagami’s bare ass.

He's been stroking himself listlessly, too turned on not to touch himself but too tired to put any effort in. The hand not on his body is holding a cup of water. Tobirama hasn't had to make him drink from it, but he may have to push food on Kagami soon.

Kagami hasn't managed to get any more sleep, and he's moved from insecurity to frustration. The exhaustion from earlier left with the insecurity. He's been crackling with unhappiness since Tobirama opened the second book that might have an antidote.

Five books after that, only one has had anything close to an answer.

“What do you mean?” Kagami asks. “What other approach is there?”

“We've been playing catch up. Each time you come, we stop to see if that was the last time you needed to.”

Tobirama walks over to Kagami and tilts Kagami's head up. He hasn't said anything about it, but he realized early on that Kagami always wants to be looked at. The more Tobirama looks at his body and meets his eyes, the more it turns Kagami on.

Kagami frowns, but his eyes don't leave Tobirama’s as he asks a question he must already be able to answer. “And the alternative?”

Tobirama catches Kagami’s hands with his own. “I make you come until you can't anymore.”

* * *

Kagami clutches at Tobirama’s hair. He’s shaking, eyes closed, his breaths coming in deep, shuddering gasps. The towel under him is damp with sweat. His skin is slick with it; the low light from the lamp catches on it.

Tobirama doesn't blame him for closing his eyes. This is more than anyone could take. It’s more than Tobirama can give. He’s had to switch to a toy; his hands cramped too hard to be useful and he can't get hard anymore. There are thin, wet trails down Kagami’s face. He’s admitted he's sore but promised he isn't in real pain. Tobirama is keeping a close eye on him to be safe, but that does seem to be holding true.

“I’m sorry,” Kagami whispers as he comes.

Tobirama kisses his chin. “If you must apologize, do so when this is over.”

“I'm sorry,” Kagami says again. His fingers dig deeper in Tobirama’s hair. “I'm sorry, Tobirama.”

He’s soft, but when Tobirama twists the toy, Kagami starts getting hard again.

“This isn't what I wanted.”

“Of course it isn't.” Tobirama sucks a kiss into the side of Kagami’s neck. “Haven't I had unexpected results from my work? I recall you looking after me for a week after I burned my hands with chakra.”

“This isn't like that.”

“Because I was on my back instead of you?”

Kagami doesn't answer.

Tobirama draws the toy out part way then pushes it back in firmly.

Kagami’s nails dig into Tobirama’s skull, and Tobirama runs his teeth over Kagami’s chest.

* * *

“I can't,” Kagami chokes out. “I can't keep doing this.”

He's slumped against the wall, one leg held up with Tobirama’s hand under his knee. The toy Tobirama has been holding in place for him to ride is still in Tobirama's hand, most of it buried in Kagami’s body, the end stark against Kagami’s skin.

His eyes are open but focused on a point across the room instead of on Tobirama. It hurts, but he can understand it.

“Do you have a better idea?” Tobirama asks. He wants Kagami to know how to end this. His body hurts, and he knows Kagami is feeling even worse.

“You're practically asleep on your feet,” Kagami says. “Go to bed, Tobirama.”

“And leave you like this?”

“I’m almost forty. I've been making myself come for the majority of my life. I can manage. You have to work in the morning. You need to rest.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Tobirama, please.”

“I won't.”

Kagami shoves him. “I’m telling you that I’ve had enough. No more touching. No more making me come. My body is disgusting; there isn't an inch of me that isn't dirty. I feel sick. Looking at you makes me sick.”

He doesn't meet Tobirama’s eyes as he echoes the words from the worst moment of Tobirama’s life.

Izuna was dead, Madara had become fully unhinged, and Hashirama knew who to blame.

They've never talked about it and never will. Kagami only found out about Hashirama’s one true moment of rage because he heard Tobirama talking in his sleep.

“You aren't the first to say that,” Tobirama says. He lowers the hand holding the toy and watches Kagami wince as it slips free. “I can see you trying to hurt me. Uchihas aren't good at deception, Kagami. You should know that by now.”

Kagami clenches his jaw. “Leave me alone.”

He's already getting hard again.

Tobirama lowers the leg he’s holding but doesn't back away; if he does, Kagami won’t understand what Tobirama is trying to do. Instead, he runs his hand up Kagami’s chest.

“I just told you-”

“Let's shower.”

Kagami shakes his head. “I don't want to have sex again, Tobirama. Not now. Maybe not ever.”

“I’m not suggesting that we have sex. We’re both dirty. Let's get clean.” Kagami looks at him dubiously, so Tobirama adds, “You can barely keep your eyes open. You’ll fall over on your own. We’ll go in together, get clean, then decide how to proceed.”

Slowly, Kagami nods once and lets his eyes fall shut.

* * *

The hot water feels great on Tobirama’s aching muscles.

Kagami hums as he leans against the wall. He hasn't opened his eyes since their talk, and if this were a normal mutual shower, Tobirama would kiss him until Kagami got impatient and pulled him in for more.

In this shower, Tobirama only kisses Kagami’s cheek and works the soap into a lather.

He runs his hands over Kagami’s skin clinically. He doesn't tease. He doesn't linger. He doesn't try to make Kagami change his mind.

They all have a breaking point.

Tobirama washes away the sweat and the come and the lube. He shampoos Kagami’s hair and pulls the shower head down so it rinses faster.

He doesn't touch his own body until Kagami is clean and safely sitting on the edge of the tub. Lying in bed or at least sitting on the floor would be better, but he refuses to leave.

So Tobirama cleans himself off, too. He reaches for the shampoo, only to feel Kagami touch his hip.

“Let me.”

It's the first thing he's said since Tobirama promised him the shower.

Tobirama hands him the bottle and kneels between his legs.

Kagami opens his eyes but doesn't meet Tobirama’s. He’s working the shampoo out of Tobirama’s hair when he speaks up again.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“You didn't.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Not much, then.”

“But I did. I don't want to hurt you. You've been through enough. Neither of us knows how to fix this. You're just as confused as I am.”

Ignoring that Kagami’s cock is hard again and close enough to taste, Tobirama lays his head on Kagami’s knee. “Has it started to hurt?”

“My body? Not more than it has in the past. I won't sit comfortably for a week, but it won't be the first time.” Kagami almost smiles. “If you're worried, I was fine with it until I told you I wasn't.”

“What changed?”

“You did.” Kagami strokes Tobirama’s jaw. “I know you, Tobirama. I know when your thoughts are moving in directions that will hurt you. Not being able to help me was driving you that way.” He runs his thumb over Tobirama's lower lip. “Your voice is rasping because you spent so long blowing me earlier. Did you even notice?”

Tobirama doesn't answer.

“I thought not.” Kagami sets the shower head aside. “Let's go to bed.”

* * *

Kagami is still hard when they finish showering. He's still hard as they get dressed and when they climb into bed. Not touching him feels wrong. Even tired, Tobirama wants to make him feel good.

He doesn't tell Kagami that. He doesn't say anything while Kagami tries and fails to get comfortable.

Tobirama waits until Kagami is getting angry then pulls him in.

“What are you doing?” Kagami yelps.

“Getting ready to sleep.”

Tobirama keeps pulling on Kagami until he's got Kagami lying on top of him face up. He bends his knees, puts his hands on Kagami’s belly, and closes his eyes.

He won't be able to continue when he’s asleep, but for the moment, with a little chakra, he draws some of the heat away from Kagami’s groin.

“Oh,” Kagami sighs. “Thank you, Tobirama.”

“Thank me by sleeping. Tomorrow, we’re going to find the person who sold you that bottle and get some answers.”

Kagami hums and lays his hands over Tobirama's.

* * *

Tobirama wakes up to Kagami shaking him.

He blinks against the sunlight coming through the window until he can see Kagami clearly.

Kagami grins. “I've been awake for an hour,” he announces. “I wasn't hard when I woke up and I’m still not.”

What a strange direction things have taken for that to be worth excitement, but Tobirama feels himself smile.

“And the rest of your body?”

Kagami clears his throat. “Sore. I’d forgotten how big you are. A week of not sitting might not cover it. Although,” he adds quickly, “that’s probably because we haven't had sex in a long time. I’m not complaining about you blowing me, but it just isn't the same.”

He’s still smiling, and he doesn't lose it as he crawls on top of Tobirama.

“Thank you, Tobirama. I know it wasn't easy.”

“As I've said before-”

“It wasn't easy to have sex with me when I wasn't able to enjoy it like we both wanted. I know you were struggling toward the end, too.” He kisses the tip of Tobirama’s nose. “I meant what I said, though.”

“When you said what?”

“You give me what no one else can. I wasn’t just talking about cock. I wasn't at home anywhere until you opened the way. I was happy, but I wasn't happy like I am now. Years ago, you saw worth in me that no one else cared to see. You barely knew me, but you let me go on that mission with Hiruzen. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to prove myself to my clan and to Konoha.

“And now I get to be loved by you. You gave me last night. It wasn't a good night, but I had you through it.”

It's Tobirama who clears his throat this time.

“I didn't do anything more than recognize what any competent person would and acknowledge it.”

Kagami hums and kisses him softly. “You did more than that, but I won't argue this time.”

He kisses Tobirama again, and Tobirama smiles against his lips.

“However,” Kagami says between that kiss and the next, “in exchange, you're going to come up with a reason for me not sparring with Danzō this afternoon.”

“You're a ninja, Kagami. You can handle worse.”

“So you _do_ want my friend to resume gossiping about how big your dick is. I thought you were uncomfortable with that, but if you're fine with Danzō making correct insinuations about why I’m walking funny, then that's fine.”

Saru and Kagami’s old friend can be a conniving bastard. Tobirama respects his tenacity, but there are limits. “Tell him you’re helping my brother with something.”

“Will I be?”

“Of course. There's a backlog of paperwork, and Hashirama needs help getting through it all. You’d be saving me the effort.”

“Then I’ll tell him.”

Kagami smiles softly, and Tobirama carefully flips them over.

He looks over Kagami’s body and winces. There are bruises all over him. They're different shapes and sizes. Some match Tobirama’s fingers; others match his teeth. One might be from knocking into a door.

“I didn't know you could get worked up like that,” Kagami says, drawing Tobirama’s attention to his face. “You were worried about me, weren't you?”

“Of course. Did you think otherwise?”

“No, I was just surprised that you let me see it.” He stretches with a soft groan. “You don't have to go into work yet, right? Let's stay in bed for a little longer.”

Tobirama had been planning to go in early today, but it's already too late for that.

He lies down on top of Kagami.

He's tucking his nose against Kagami’s neck when Kagami asks, “Could you do what you did last night again but for somewhere else?”

“Of course. Where?”

“My ass. I wasn't kidding about not sitting.”

“You should have said that earlier.”

Tobirama rolls them over again. Kagami hums when Tobirama lays his cold hand on him.

“You should teach me that trick.”

“As soon as you get comfortable with suiton, I will be glad to.”

Kagami makes a noise of frustration. He's been training with Tobirama for months and has made little progress.

He may never master it, but it's been interesting to watch him puzzle through it. A useful exercise for Tobirama as well- teaching Kagami requires using katon to explain the difference in change, which pushes Tobirama to use an element he prefers to avoid.

“Perhaps your brother or sister-in-law could teach you some healing techniques,” Kagami suggests.

“I’ll ask.”

Hashirama would badger Tobirama into explaining why, and Mito would give him a look of understanding that Tobirama doesn't want to face.

It would be useful to be able to do some, however; holding Kagami’s ass, while pleasant, isn't practical.

It's a matter for later. Kagami is already breathing deeper. He’ll be asleep momentarily, and Tobirama could benefit from the extra rest.

He’ll just wait another minute or two. Just to be certain Kagami gets the rest he needs.


End file.
